The 2am thread

The 2am thread
[Image: Australia-Timezones-Daylight.png]

Fuck this shit
I worry I'm not enough constantly. I worry I don't achieve enough or create enough. I'm not a useful member of this planet. I'm just a drain on limited resources.

But I want to live! I want to be something! I want, I want, and I want. When will I start to do?
Quote:[23:31] <Dalm> im going home
[23:31] <Dalm> then i get 3 hours before im gonna go to that life drawing class
[23:31] <sdegenko> Life drawing?
[23:31] <sdegenko> That seems a bit ambitious.
[23:32] <RomytheRed> myahh
[23:32] <Dalm> ye its like
[23:32] <RomytheRed> well hey
[23:32] <Dalm> u get a person and then draw them?
[23:32] <Dalm> thats not really that ambitious
[23:32] <RomytheRed> you needa be ambitious to get better
[23:32] <RomytheRed> pyahaha
[23:32] <Dalm> unless that was some kinda passive aggressive jab at my art skill but im assuming its not bc sdeg is cool
[23:32] <Dalm> :B
[23:34] <Dalm> anyway i'll talk to you guys later
[23:34] <Dalm> ttfn
[23:36] <sdegenko> No, I meant that drawing an entire life seems like a lot to draw.
[23:36] <sdegenko> Those things are pretty long.
[23:36] <Dalm> oooooh
[23:36] <Dalm> pff
[23:36] * PickYerPoison ( has joined #eagletime
[23:37] <Dalm> ye thats true
[23:37] <sdegenko> Yeah, it was just a stupid pun.
[23:37] <sdegenko> Sorry.
[23:37] <Agenvortex> not necessarily.
[23:37] <sdegenko> Thanks for assuming I wasn't being an asshole.
[23:38] <sdegenko> Yeah, but short lives would be super depressing to draw.
[23:39] <PickYerPoison> morning!
[23:39] <Agenvortex> hey pypsy
[23:39] <Agenvortex> we're being depressing
[23:40] <PickYerPoison> aw
[23:40] <PickYerPoison> i'm sorry to hear that :<

[Image: shortlife.png]

[23:55] <Agenvortex> okay scott i drew a short life
Quote:[00:01] <sdegenko> Oh god, agen.
[00:01] <sdegenko> That's depressing.
Eight more minutes on the clock. Do I come back to this? I might. Who knows? Petty frustrations and campaigns of blood, wipe the slate clean. Who will be our next lord and master?
I'm not sorry.

I'm not sorry I'm not sorry I'm not sorry I'm not sorry I'm not sorry
I exist as a tiny microcosm of complexity in a sea of macrocosmic indifference. What do I do? How can I change the universe?

You can't. That's the long and short of it. Humanity is all but the beginning of a breath in the universe's eyes. A mote of dust. A little blue dot.

I want to have mattered.

Five minutes.
That escalated quickly, my little avatar says. Things escalate quickly, a lot. The universe is the mother of all escalations, and like all things, it will one day run down. That's the truly scary thought: that one day, no matter what we do or where we run, nothing we do will truly ever matter. It's enough to make nihilists of us all.

I made that GIF. I was proud of it. I created something.
The matter I am made of mattered.
Three minutes.
See me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me see me
Your conduct is deplorable. How is anyone going to ever understand you if you do not refine your thoughts? Learn to wield them like a scalpel, and you will know how to cut into your reader's heart. Not this unconscious drivel.
One minute.

It's time to go. The curtain is falling. Space is expanding. The last strands of matter are decaying, the last iron atoms are dissolving, and all is heat and mystery and hate.

Look upon my works and despaior
oh shit it's 2 pm sorry
daylight savings next week so i think now would be 2 oh nine am who cares though i think its close enough and im tired and moany and bad so here we go ok i love ffxiv im scared of it im scared of getting to the end and what happens then and i dont know because ive never played an mmo and i like what ive had to do and i have fun with it so i guess the answer is nothing chances excet i have to wait longer to do story quests instead of putting off story quests but its still a fear because i fear and overthink everything i love my new computer i call it an edgy piece of garbage because it looks like shadow the hedgehog and video gamers suck and its a gaming computer the graphics card has a my rig tab i hate gamers gamers literally hate children en masse someone was like in what context and the answer is every fucking context skyrim and fallout mods have kill children mods made super fast and are super popular people hate children being in their games and being reminded of their existence except in edge cases or worse if its an anime moe bait stuff people legit complain about not being able to kill children in some video games and its like why is this an issue that there is more than one stance on how fucked up and broken is gaming as a culture that its even down to just hating kids and wanting to murder kids on screen in this virtual entertainment device software shit im so tired of everything and i want to just not die and have a good time i guess i need to listen to all these podcasts now that i can do that with my laptop but its effort and i hate effort and i hate choices and i am made out of hesitation i hesitate and hesitate and hesitate and i will never be complete i will never ever be as good as i say or think i keep thinking maybe i can do nanowrambo and try to either redo rm or start lagomorpher or something but whats the point they will never be realized because im not good enough and because doing anything thats not playing games with jac, waiting for jac to get out of work, or playiing xiv until i get tired so i can wait for jac to get out of work so we can play games together is the entire loop of my life and the nly loop i can handle and if i tried to do anything with that outside of edge sccenarios i think id die but i probably wouldnt id just lay doing nothing i cant force myself into anything i can hardly make mysel do things i want to do im so gross im so horny im so tired im so alone im so angry and pissy and spiteful i never know what i want or why or what the point of anything i think or say is its almost three thirty but jac doesnt wake up for another hour and a half instead of just the half hour the only way i can tell the diffrences of time is based on jacs timezone i thought that time was going to go a different way but it wasnt and i only realized this when i realized that if the clock moved the way it did then instead of noon being five o clock when jac getsout of work it would be three o clock there so im wrong or i was wrong and im so good at that and i will never recover from my wounds
It's 2 AM so I should probably wash my only work shirt. I miss my old work shirt. We used to have polos that we could easily wear on top of another shirt, so I could just change the shirt underneath and not have to wash my work shirt in between every shift. But this work shirt goes directly on my gross sweaty skin. Man, I hope this promotion ends soon.
finally i can set right what once went wrong
It's that time again! I'm doing sudokus. I have one book which is 'super tough red belt martial arts sudoku' and one which is pink and covered in flamingos. The flamingo book has an easy, medium and hard section, and i'm halfway through the medium. I can finish them at a reasonable speed i think? I haven't tried a hard one yet, though. The martial arts book is driving me up the wall, because i've been getting to a certain point then getting stuck. I should be able to logic it out but it seems like i'm getting to the point where i just have to guess at a number, and then hope i haven't fucked it up for later.

Anyway i got these books to do on the plane to europe but i sometimes end up doing a bunch of them sitting in bed at night because they calm me down when i'm feeling anxious.
[Image: WEdy1pW.png] [Image: cyTsdj6.png]
[Image: 30058_799389.png]
I made some choc chip cookies earlier that came out perfectly (crunchy around the edges, soft in the middle), except that i started making them ater midnight and in order to get them to come out so well i had to use the electric beaters

They're super loud, so i ended up taking them as far away from the bedroom end of the house as possible at sat and creamed my sugar and butter in front of the fireplace. The cat was sitting nearby and she looked very alarmed
[Image: WEdy1pW.png] [Image: cyTsdj6.png]
[Image: 30058_799389.png]
cucumber quest comic of the bigg man usin the cake beaters
[Image: RjvYOd.png]
oh yeah i tried to post this yesterday but my connection flubbed in the wub wub for too long and by the time I noticed it wasn't posted, it was chiller

<post body>
hi agen, you matter

also I'd say reading your stream of consciousness hits close to the heart because you see a big level of sincerity in leaving absolutely unedited thoughts out there for others to see, and as i've said before, that sincerity coupled with your introspection is why i think u will do good things

if you don't no pressure but i'm just saying you seem like you are the persontype that tends to gravitate naturally toward doing good things
<[ost end>
[Image: RjvYOd.png]
So I tried going to sleep early because last night I just kept waking up after about an hour of sleep due to being sick and then fell asleep again and figured I might as well get that cycle started sooner and possibly feel better-rested tomorrow.

Problem is, once it hit midnight I couldn't seem to get myself back to sleep, so here I am.

Yeah, uh, that's all I've got. No exciting rambly thoughts. Actually, I'm thinking I'll try to sleep again now. Wish me luck.
hi I'm here it's me
my 2 am stream of consciousness stress rant is about my future! I'm applying for graduate school because I literally don't know how to do like anything besides study but I feel like I stand little to no chance of getting into any of the programs I'm applying for because they're all hyper competitive and I'm not actually that smart! I mean, I'm smart, but not smart smart and that's what matters is having a 4.0 GPA and publications and all that stuff that I don't have
like if I don't get into grad school I'm not fucked, really, I can still apply again or find work or whatever
but like, it means my one future plan got messed up or whatever?
I'd move out maybe but good luck finding affordable housing anywhere in the bay area, lol