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Local Want Ads
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Mehgamehn
 Local Want Ads
#1
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I don't know if you guys get a bunch of unrequested papers with solicitations in your mail every week, but I do. Here are some that I'm a fan of, with sensitive information removed for courtesy.

Quote:Haircuts $5: Men, women, children. Located to left of XXXX. Open Mon-Sat. Yorkie for sale and vehicles. XXX-XXX-XXXX, XXX-XXX-XXXX

Quote:Looking for Someone: to move in and take care of middle-aged, handicapped lady. Room, board, and small weekly salary. No druggies, must be honest and reliable. XXX-XXX-XXXX

Quote:Washer and Dryer: Kenmore, large capacity, matching set. Both work good. Approx. 10 years old. $125. Call XXX-XXX-XXXX, leave message, will return your call

Quote:Many preachers quote Rom 10:13, but do not touch 10:14! Teach days with ties to paganism for their so called Christianity and not a single one of them corresponds with The Bible! Most carry Bibles and teach promises Christ made to His disciples are promises He made unto them! The Biblical 10 commandments are twisted and made to appear righteous! 250 churches in XXXX, who are not of one mind and heart, yet claim to be a Christian church! Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light, therefore it is no great thing if his ministers are also transformed as the ministers of righteousness whose end shall be according to their works (2Cor 11:13-15)! The devil is now as a roaring lion, walking about, seeking whom he may devour (1Peter5:8,also please read 1Jn 3:1-24)! So be It!
Ron XXX-XXX-XXXX

Quote:Donkey For Sale: Jack. XXX-XXX-XXXX
(This post was last modified: 02-26-2016, 08:34 AM by Mehgamehn.)
02-26-2016, 08:33 AM
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Wheat
 RE: Local Want Ads
#2
 

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Quote:****CALZONE WANTED****
**wanted: hot calzone, new or used. Ham or salami preferred, but i'm flexible. will accept models with up to one bite taken out. Call XXX-XXX-XXXX and we will discuss price

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02-26-2016, 09:59 AM
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Wheat
 RE: Local Want Ads
#3
 

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Quote:
OAKEN DREAMS!
Full-length oak tree for sale. 65ft total.
85% of limbs live/leaf-bearing. Contains
family of Downy Woodpeckers in top midwest
sector. $150, supply your own transportation
if you wish to take it to your property.

[Image: RjvYOd.png]
(This post was last modified: 02-28-2016, 05:18 AM by Wheat.)
02-28-2016, 05:18 AM
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Mehgamehn
 RE: Local Want Ads
#4
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Something I didn't list: At least 4 calls for "Stump Grinding"
02-28-2016, 06:05 AM
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SleepingOrange
 RE: Local Want Ads
#5
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Disembowelled in a Ditch
Unsurprising. I am in want of same
02-28-2016, 05:36 PM
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Wheat
 RE: Local Want Ads
#6
 

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Quote:MAKE CHUMPS OF STUMPS!
Riding woodchipper modified for street racing and stunt grinding, can reach up to 4000 rpm and 150 mph with its 1200 horsepower engine. 40 foot grinding disc installed. Great with banked turns. NOT street legal. $18000 OBO. In perfect condition and the apple of my eye but I need to sell quick because I killed a drunken foolish teen, and need lawyer cash fast.

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02-28-2016, 06:23 PM
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ICan'tGiveCredit
 RE: Local Want Ads
#7
Demonic Kitchen Appliance

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The deepest, most petrifying depths of your local Wal-Mart
wheat. it's extremely difficult to tell if that ad is sarcastic or not

i mean i laughed either way but... i have to know!!!

"A day without a laugh is a day wasted."
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(This post was last modified: 02-29-2016, 03:23 AM by ICan'tGiveCredit.)
02-29-2016, 03:23 AM
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Wheat
 RE: Local Want Ads
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No no everything I posted are made up joke ads, for the heck of it (FTHOI)!!

I thought it would be fun to do and i was right, and I encourage others to try it too

Spoiler :
i'd be lying if i said it's not obviously stylistically borrowing from the dog classified ads series

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02-29-2016, 09:08 AM
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Wheat
 RE: Local Want Ads
#9
 

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Quote:WANTED: MY CHILDHOOD BACK
Unpaid overtime. Impossible deadlines. These bloodsuckers at the office have drained my spirits to the breaking point. Looking for one (1) spare childhood to revitalize my aura. The machine is ready and humming; all you need to bring me is a willing donor. I will not pay for this - you will simply do it because I deserve it and you know it is the right thing to do. XXX-XXXX and ask for Ly'ryjtscu and we can get this over with.
If you'd rather just call and nerd out with me over nintendos we enjoyed as a youth, that'd work too.

[Image: RjvYOd.png]
(This post was last modified: 02-29-2016, 09:30 AM by Wheat.)
02-29-2016, 09:27 AM
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Wheat
 RE: Local Want Ads
#10
 

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Quote:FOUND! 2 CATS!
I found two cats the other day when I was out jogging. they were in a "not safe for tv" position. I just thought you all should know as a public service announcement.

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02-29-2016, 09:35 AM
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Wheat
 RE: Local Want Ads
#11
 

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Quote:Wanted: Last Night's Episode of How It's Made: stepped on remote while episode was recording a quarter-way through, leaving me in the dark for segments B through D. Don't want to wait for the DVD to come out. If you've got it, let me come over and watch it. Will pay in the food and refreshments I bring over, and the friendship we forge.


Quote:FOUND! 3RD CAT!!
There's three of them at it now. what filth

[Image: RjvYOd.png]
(This post was last modified: 02-29-2016, 09:48 AM by Wheat.)
02-29-2016, 09:46 AM
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Wheat
 RE: Local Want Ads
#12
 

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Quote:FOUND: UNKNOWN AMOUNT OF CATS, INCREASING EXPONENTIALLY
The catsex pile just does not stop its outward expansion. This is the last thing our community needs. I am hereby declaring a stage 4 child quarantine around Clancy Street. Keep your kids' eyes away until further notice lest they be corrupted by odious feline depravity

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03-01-2016, 04:40 PM
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Marelo
 RE: Local Want Ads
#13
 

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Quote:LOST: EXTRADIMENSIONAL CAT CARRIER, INFINITE CATS
If found please return any escaped cats to the carrier and return to Zzuzu at ΦΔ59 Clarion Lane. My precious babies must be secured or all mortal life will be in peril!!!
03-01-2016, 05:52 PM
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Loather
 RE: Local Want Ads
#14
cool?

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i came here looking for local want ads but everyone keeps making jokes :(
03-02-2016, 06:09 PM
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Loather
 RE: Local Want Ads
#15
cool?

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if people don't start taking this thread seriously i'm going to start posting things off of craigslist
03-02-2016, 06:09 PM
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Loather
 RE: Local Want Ads
#16
cool?

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wildly inappropriate things
03-02-2016, 06:10 PM
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Schazer
 RE: Local Want Ads
#17
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Wanted: a loather
03-02-2016, 10:01 PM
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Mehgamehn
 RE: Local Want Ads
#18
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Well, Loather, its Wednesday so I got a new batch of 'em in the old mailpocket. A lot of repeats (No Stump Grinding tho, must have gotten handled), but a few new ones.

Quote:Single Father, 33: Looking for female companion 30-40. No drugs. No drinking. No dipping. No chewing. Honest, loyal, respectful. Morals and values. Christian faith. Serious inquiries only. Call or text XXXX@ XXX-XXX-XXXX
Quote:Old Barn To Be Torn Down: Call XXX-XXX-XXXX

Quote:
Many so called Christian Churches keep days declared by pagan rulers as honoring Christ, which history shows apostasy. The Holy Bible does not support Christmas, valentine day, Easter servitude and the list goes on much further! Most keep days not in The Bible, then deny The Holy Days that are! Worshiping the beast (Dan 7:25,1Jn 3:8-9), when man's doctrines are taken for truth (Mt 15:9) and The Holy Father's Word (Jn 1:14-Christ) is made as lies (Mt 5:17-19,7:21-23,Mt 24:4-51, Jn 3:16,14:6,15:10,26, Acts 3:23, Rom 1:25, Heb 10:26-29,13:8,Rev 22:18-19)! So Be It!
Ron
(This post was last modified: 03-02-2016, 10:21 PM by Mehgamehn.)
03-02-2016, 10:21 PM
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ICan'tGiveCredit
 RE: Local Want Ads
#19
Demonic Kitchen Appliance

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The deepest, most petrifying depths of your local Wal-Mart
no dipping, no double-dipping, no skinny dipping, no dunking, no grand-slams... this guy is strict

"A day without a laugh is a day wasted."
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03-02-2016, 11:11 PM
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Wheat
 RE: Local Want Ads
#20
 

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Quote:Old Barn to be Torn Down. Wanted: paid spectators to make it look like there's enough of a crowd to be considered "the event of the decade" to my brother Brups. That bastardman is always making little jibes at me, saying i'm unpopular, not eventful, that I lack flavor, etc.. I will show them when I embed a video of Old Redsides being rent to pieces into the yearly christmas card. They will be shocked to see an overflowing mob gaping to witness the carnage and my final victory will be complete. your going down, brups

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(This post was last modified: 03-03-2016, 12:14 AM by Wheat.)
03-03-2016, 12:12 AM
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Loather
 RE: Local Want Ads
#21
cool?

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thank you mehgamehn
03-03-2016, 01:34 AM
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Mehgamehn
 RE: Local Want Ads
#22
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This week was a complete dud. Like the best I got is "Yard Sale Inside", which really is just, I'd be joking about semantics. I did learn something I wouldn't have thought about, that cattle farmers would need "Dead cow removal".

At the very least, tho, I do know my boy Ron is still thumping.

Quote:Just maybe some Bible toting scripture quoting God fearing so called Christian minister can give, by The Bible, why some of the Bible is denied? "Example of a few" (Mt 4:4, 5:17-19, 7:21-23, 28:20, Lk 4:4, 6:46, Rev 22:15, 18-19)! Why is your Easter servitude established by man not The Holy Bible? The Holy Father plainly by The Holy Bible gave the exact day even to the hour for His children to observe The Sabbath, Passover, Feast of unleavened bread, Pentecost, Feast of trumpet, Day of Atonement and Feast of tabernacles! Since the Holy Father, The Holy Son and Holy Ghost are one (Jn 10:30, 14:9-11, 1Jn 5:7), then to nullify the Holy Biblical Days is seeking to divide The Holy Father's House (Mt 12:25) by bringing history proven pagan days (Mt 15:9) into thy church worship(apostasy)! So be it! Ron

Like I don't really fully understand what he's getting on about but he's clearly spitting hot fire. It doesn't even feel like the complete thought it feels like someone caught him mid-rant, when he's already got a full head of steam.
03-11-2016, 01:56 AM
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ICan'tGiveCredit
 RE: Local Want Ads
#23
Demonic Kitchen Appliance

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The deepest, most petrifying depths of your local Wal-Mart
sounds like a drunken sermon.

"A day without a laugh is a day wasted."
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03-11-2016, 02:51 AM
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Mehgamehn
 RE: Local Want Ads
#24
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Okay okay let's see what we got this week.

Quote:STOP WOOD BEES NOW!: With Wayne's Wood Bee Traps. Keep bee's from drilling holes in your wood decks, houses, barns, outbuildings, etc. Only $15. Call Wayne at XXX-XXX-XXXX. Apr. 27

Quote:Salon XXXXX: Has an available booth for rent. If you are an experienced stylist with a following clientele looking for a drama free, faith based salon, give me a call. XXX-XXX-XXXX

Also, the middle-aged handicapped lady from the first post is in need of caretaking again, but they've grown a little lax on their restrictions, as they posted the exact same Want Ad but minus the "No druggies" caveat. I sincerely hope she gets the help she needs, and I only included the ad in the first place because of the juxtaposition of the LOOKING FOR SOMEONE headline, which has a certain connotation, matched to what the actual want was. Also the No Druggie part but whatev. The point is there's nothing funny about a disabled person in need of help surviving, and I only giggled at the manner in which it was asked.

And boy do I have a treat for you. Not only do I have this week's Ron...

Quote:Some try to have The Holy BIble approve Easter (Acts 12:4) yet man gives the day and way. History does reveal pagans have a feast day unto Ishtar their mother goddess of fertility and brought her and rabbit eggs into the church (apostasy), changed her name to Easter, for the resurrection of Christ on a pagans feast day. The Bible does reveal the beast to think to change times and laws (Dan 7:25). Those that change the truth into a lie, a reprobate mind (Romans 1:21-32), the wise is made foolish (1Cor 1:25-27). Blasphemy is not taught (Mt 12:31), or accepting the beast's changed times and laws (Rev 19:20-21)! The Holy Father's Word (Jn 1:14) did not destroy the law or prophets(Mt 5:17-19)! So Be It! Ron

...but I also found an older paper that has his Valentine's Message.

Quote:Valentine's day of love origin. Juno Februata was a Roman goddess of febris (fever) of love and Romans held a feast called Lupercalia on Feb 13th-15th unto her with sacrifices of goats and a dog. As a fertility rite, strips of skin were cut from these and used to strike women who came near. Pope Valentine was beheaded on Feb 14th, 278 c.e., and Pope Gelasius, in 474 c.e., changed the Lupercalia feast of love into St Valentine's day. In 1969 some of the faith disowned because of confusion of authenticity. So Be It! Ron XXX-XXX-XXXX

Happy Valentine's Day everybody!
03-17-2016, 11:18 PM
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a52
 RE: Local Want Ads
#25
the god eater

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Ron is now my new favorite person.
03-17-2016, 11:36 PM
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