A Happening

A Happening
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(aka my second attempt at my first attempt at a forum adventure)

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Do you ever feel like life is sort of a really bad, obtuse practical joke?
Maybe not like life in general, maybe your life specifically. Or maybe life in general. It's not super important but like damn, man. You know?
Like you put in all that work and boom it gets you nowhere just bam pow right here in the middle of fucking so much god damn dark blue.
Like you've never even done anything that bad man what is even up? Who's got it out for you huh. What did you even DO.
Like you pay your dues and stuff and you don't really pick on other demons too much. Anymore than like, any demon does anyway.
It's like hell. Everyone's a dick there. No one goes to hell for like being a chill dude. Being chill isn't even a sin. You know being chill isn't a sin because if it was you'd be fucking prince of darkness instead of.
Well. The guy looking like an idiot right now.

Uh. Anyway. You're a HELLMAN. Summoned to preform the usual acts of CHICANERY and MISCHIEF and occasionally INTENSE VIOLENCE.
As far as HELLMEN go though you're like pretty down there on the rungs of WICKITUDE. Slightly above an IMP but below THOSE COOL GUYS WHO GET TO MESS WITH THE MORTAL SOULS.
It's a rank that is sort of so middle of the road it rarely gets any work summoning wise. It doesn't even have a real title, you guess. Maybe like. BRIGHT RED ASSHOLE. Or something.
Anyway, as per your luck theres no one here at your summoning site because your DARK LORD hates you and usually does DUMB SHIT like this to you for no reason.
Maybe he does it to everyone. It's kind of hard to tell. There's a lot of DUMB SHIT in HELL.
Anyway yeah here you are on some fucking stone temple in the middle of some field? Why can't summoning rituals happen somewhere nice. Like a bar. Or a bar mitzvah.
You decide to poke around a bit and find a spot where it's easier to get the lay of the just incredibly blue land.

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There's a uh. There's a lot going on here, huh.
There's like. At least three towns. A big tree. A forest not connected to aforementioned big tree. Another temple. A uh.
Planet? Up there. In that sky.
Man why can't shit just be EASY.
Like it's hard enough being summoned to do someone's bidding but there isn't even a person here to bid you bidding to do.
Free will just. Sucks. No joke.
What are you gonna do now, lil hellman?
Also maybe think of a name. Like, a fake one. You have a real one but those are dangerous to just give out.
Fake Name: Dennis Twoeyes. Why bother having a clever fake name? Besides it'll confuse the hell outta people!

ALSO GO TO THE TREE. That Big Tree is probably cool. If you're getting called out, and it's basically a ding-dong-ditch, might as well make a day- er night trip of it.
Dennis Twoeyes begins his epic trek across the blue expanse to the alarmingly large black tree, because, like. Gotta do something, right?
You're already so ready to get people so fucking good with this eye gag.
With the name settled you're off, shuffling down the hill and across the bluegrass plains.

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(cartoon bonk)

God there's a whole lot of nothing out here huh.
Some rocks, plants, cute bugs and so much fucking blue.
Why is it so god damn blue. It's like. Even under moonlight shit shouldn't be this blue. It's wild. Like. The amount of blue here is just CRAZY. Wowie. SO BLUE. It's almost as blue as this walk is long and uneventful.

It's a lil cold out here...

Quest 1: Treequest: The quest to fuck with a tree, has come to a pause.
There's like. A town in the way or something.

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Halsey? The town is named Halsey. That's more of a person name, but alright town.
After spending a few minutes distracted by that charming lamp you decide to check out the town proper.

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What a depressing main street.
Wow. What kind of lakeside town does not have easily accessible boats for a kind hellman to steal? Frankly, this is just inconsiderate. Terrible service.
Well. If you still wanna get to the tree you gotta find a boat. Water is a tough ask already but swimming? Psh. Pff. No. Absolutely not.
There's like. Standard town fair.
Some inn.
General store.
Some kind of? You think that might be a sheriffs office. Not sure about local laws on hellmen being around but laws and hellmen don't usually mesh.
Then there's. A tent. It's got a little red cross on it and as much as you like red, crosses are usually a no.
Well, where to?
Nip to the general store
I agree with nipping to the General store. Steal a chocolate bar, or something. That's considered pretty evil, amiright or amiright.

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You nip it to the general store. You don't exactly have a lot of money, certainly none you can spend on junk but like.
What kind of hellman buys stuff. A bad one. A shitty hellman.
Carefully you sneak through the street, doing your best not to attract too much attention as you creep into Tired Tirbold's 24/7 General Store.

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It's maybe a bit more general than you thought. Usually general stores are just like grocery stores but sometimes they'll have some like tools and stuff too. Lightbulbs. Whatever. This time all the grocery shit is put off to the side and instead a weird cabinet thing showing off a bunch of garbage is center stage. Some of this seems. A little interesting at least.
Except that bottom middle shelf that just looks like. Bags of vegetables.

When you opened the door it rang a small bell, which must've woke up the clerk because it takes him a minute before he finally says anything to you.

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Tirbold: Hi i'm Tired Tirbold's welcome to Tired Tirbold where our motto is please buy something, please buy something. We have great deals on weapons, food, clothes, weapons, food, clothes, and weapons and food and clothes. We never at close at Tired Tirbold's because we never close here and we sell food and clothes and a few weapons. If you wanna buy something just go get it and bring it here and well exchange money for goods. And I'm uh. Tirbold. Hi.

He is quite clearly not all there in that whole being awake way. Probably working twenty four seven. Even you get days off. Who's the real villain here? Capitalism.
Also probably you when/if you start stealing his shit.
But, his urging you to buy something does compel you to actually check what you got on you. You pop open your INVENTORY INFERNAEL.

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You got about DICK DIDDLY SQUAT, as you thought.
There's your TWO GOLD COINS to get back across the Styx for when you die. Or get dispelled.
There's some PRIMODIAL FLAME you stole back when you were an Imp. It's virtually priceless on the Infernal Plane, but here it's just a fire that would never ever go out.
The last thing, in your special seventh slot, is your TRUE NAME, written on the safest thing in the universe, a folded piece of paper.
If you want to actually barter you'd have to do it with one of these things.
But is that fun enough?



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>Maybe, Y'know, look for security measures before you start pummeling the storekeep here.
Quiet. Good for an unusual opinion. Doesn't talk much.
You are quickly taken by violent, wonderful thoughts.
Yes, yes you could OBLITERATE this man's shins, take his stupid turtleneck and get all of his stuff and take HIS NAME and see who's the big mortal with a normal not magic name then???? You could be.
Tirbold the Terrible, formerly known as David Twoeyes, or whatever. And after this store what's stopping you? Just set fire to everything, the whole town. Burn it. Burn it all.

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But cooler minds prevail and you decide to check and see if he could maybe kick your ass before you kick his shins until they are ex-shins. Former shins. Bloody leg stumps formerly known as the part below the knee but above the foot.
To this new nefarious end you deploy a bit of trickery.

Twoeyes: Hey could you come around the counter and help me with something.

Tirbold: Uh. Sure. One sec.

You're briefly caught off guard when there's a much louder shifting and shuffling noise than you expected, as well as a few very loud clops as he comes around the counter and moves to stand in front of the goods.

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Tirbold: So what do you want... Is it pants? I... I kind of hope it's pants. Like no offense but you are a bit naked and like I mean chase your bliss or whatever we each have our own lives to live and paths to walk down so on so forth but like some things I just don't want to see and-

He keeps talking as you ponder having twice as many shins to kick. Which to even start with? The mind boggles.

Tirbold: -Anyway, uh, since you clearly don't have money I could live. Give you clothes? Was that what you wanted? Clothes? I got some. You can just uh. Have 'em. As long as I don't gotta uh. See this. Anymore.

In his obvious, super blatant fear that is very real and there, he's offering you a bribe of clothes. Do you accept? You can always just. Kick his shins after.
>...Yes, we would like pants. Pants would be appreciated.
Quiet. Good for an unusual opinion. Doesn't talk much.
>nO clothes r 4 nerdz
>K I C C

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Kicking is for squares, take the offered pants. Also, ask him if you can have a job. Y'all gotta do SOMETHING while you're in this Realm. Might as well let this dude get some sleep. Then, He could no longer rightfully call himself Tired Tirbold. THUS MEANING YOU HAD STOLEN HIS NAME. in a subterfugic, non shinkicking manner. and also you'd get money, which is pretty useful, for the purpose of obtaining goods and services. Like TORSOPANTS. Like, y'all were saying it was pretty chilly out there
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You want those sweet KICCS so bad you can taste it.

But. It is a little cold out here, and you can obliterate his shins after he gifts you some nice new duds. You decide to accept the offer with all the grace and tact you can manage, while carefully sprinkling in some questions to lay the groundwork of his eventual destruction at your vicious hooves.

Twoeyes: Give me clothes. Do you have a job I can have?

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Tirbold: Uhhh. I mean this is a mostly one man/horse operation. Things are pretty slow around here. I guess I mean like. You could watch the store for a bit. Sometimes. A little bit. Maybe carry some heavy stuff. I dunno. Uh. Here I'll just. While you find something to wear we'll have an interview I guess?

Tirbold: Okay so. Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Tirbold: What makes you want to work here?

Tirbold: Are you like a demon or...?

While you ponder answers to these complex, deep, very well thought out questions that no one has asked a prospecting employee before you are free to dig around for some shit to wear. You dip into the bargin bin and get to searching.

That's right it's that time of quest. You can either write a description for some digs, let Tirbold pick out your clothes or draw on this dang thing I guess.
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Answers; 1; Second In Command of a Vast Line of Tired Tirbolds. Going to FRANCHISE this mother all upwise. TIRED TIRBOLDS IN EVERY TOWN. 5 TIRED TIRBOLDS ON A SINGLE CITY BLOCK. You'd be willing to settle for assistant manager though
2; Shrug. You got offered pants and the dude looks like he needs a nap.
3; Would it be a problem if you were?

As for clothing, literally anything that isn't nippled tassles, for the lvoe of god
khakis. and a hawaiian shirt. lots of flower patterns.
maybe some hoof-friendly sandals
Quiet. Good for an unusual opinion. Doesn't talk much.
It was pointed out to me that they would be too cold in the previous outfit, so I have taken it upon myself to give them a nice wooly shirt and some jeans.
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Quesh 1: in ur mom

Quesh 2: ur mom. Very nice lady.

Quesh 3: no im jesus motherfucker

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(Fun fact had to to that all on my phone cuz my computer's too far away.)

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1. Back in Hell, probably after dying.

2. It's easier to get cash this way.

3. Yes *flex a bit while staring directly into their eyes*

>As for clothing,
(07-18-2017, 01:34 PM)Arcanuse Wrote: »khakis. and a hawaiian shirt. lots of flower patterns.
maybe some hoof-friendly sandals
Tirbold guides you over to the changing room, and you proceed to engage in a cheesy montage where you come out in various outfits and he nods or shakes his head whilst a classic 80s good-time hit plays in the background.
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In between outfits you get to actually answering his questions.

Twoeyes: Alright so, for the first one. Probably back in Hell. Living a long time is not exactly my speciality.

Tirbold: Well that is always a wonderful thing to hear from a prospecting employee. I guess like. As long as you don't die here, whatever.

Twoeyes: Secondly, I wanna work here because of your just. Super hot mom. Your just. Thick and juicy mom. So spicy. Hot, hot mom. I just wanna. Dude I wanna like. Ride your mom. Like a horse but like. Sensually. In a uh. Like. Sex way. You know.

Tirbold: Okay so that's a strike against you and like between that and the fact I've had to see you in tassels that might be two whole strikes and this is just the like. Simplest form of interview here. This is babyshoes stuff man how are you blowing it.

You take a brief break from your banter to try and work some of these clothes into something you want to wear. You go back to the robes, tearing about half of them off, pick back up the earring, find another vibrantly patterned shirt, apply some yellow paint directly to the robes and...

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Twoeyes: Thirdly, would it be like. A problem if I was a demon? A really cool, powerful demon with great, powerful legs and an amazing sense of humor? Also how's this?

Tirbold: Good enough... A bit like. A really weird PTA mom or something but. I mean yeah, being a demon is like. A bad thing. Demons do like. Bad shit. Burn towns. Hex and curse people. Steal stuff. Kick shins. Y'know?

It's like he can read your mind. Terrifying. To be fair though, it's been a long time since you've hexed or cursed. Though at your rung on the demonic ladder your curses and hexes range from mildly annoying to minorly inconvenient.
Well you got a free outfit now and this interview seems to be going, uh. Poorly.
What now?
>should i say it

>should i

>is this even a good idea, cuz he has twice legs and twice the kicc

>no, but i hope we're doing it anyway


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Well, what you should do is pretty simple honestly. Burn down this disgusting testament to capitalist profiteering and ride through the town with tribolds head on a pike. It will be the first good deed you'll ever do.
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>We're not exactly high on the demonic totem pole right now, yeah?
>Let's thank them and remember this when we take over the role of Archdemon in a few centuries. The people who assist you today are the one's that get to live when you rise to power. Live comfortably with a real nice tax-free house. In one of the nicer Neighborhood's in hell.
Quiet. Good for an unusual opinion. Doesn't talk much.
>seduce him into giving you a job position. It's our only chance at easy money.
burn down the building.