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The Pointless Adventures of Nopor Puss! (Text, done offsite)
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Dragon Fogel
 The Pointless Adventures of Nopor Puss! (Text, done offsite)
Post: #1
The Goddamn Pacman

Posts: 7,562
Joined: Jul 2011
Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

I'm following Baphomet's lead. This is a text adventure I did on another site.

I've editing it to make it clearer which block of text I wrote went with which command, and to note some things that may not be clear.

If you want to see the whole thing on the original site, it's here.

And now, on to Part 1!

Spoiler :
The Pointless Adventures of Nopor Puss

(Contextual note, though it will be a while before it becomes relevant. The forum I originally posted this on has an auto-censor. The two most common swears are censored to "fudge" and "crumpets", and I took advantage of this in a few commands. Although I think only "crumpets" was actually used...)

Text adventure time again! In today's text adventure, you (whoever wants to play) will take on the role of Nopor Puss.

(Clarification: I'd already introduced this character on the forum in question. Nopor Puss is the Master of Pointlessness, and his goal is to do the most pointless thing he can think of at any given moment.)

Your mission is to obtain the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity. Why? For no reason whatsoever, of course! Naturally, though, being Nopor Puss, you strive to make your quest as pointless as possible. Expect a perfectly straightforward command to be ignored because Nopor Puss doesn't find it pointless enough.

And now, we begin.

You are in an ancient temple. The Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity is sitting on a pedestal in front of you. What will you do?

>Look for something to climb the pedestal with. Dammit that's tall.

You see a ladder nearby which is much taller than the pedestal.

>take pedestal

You attempt to take the pedestal, since it's quite pointless to do so. However, much to your disappointment, it's not attached to the ground and is actually rather light. You were hoping to pointlessly struggle to move it for hours, but since that won't be the case, you decide to leave it where it is for now.

>Use ladder to hit the pedestal and knock it down.

You pick up the ladder, but it's so tall that it throws you off-balance and you trip, dropping the ladder in the process. The ladder is now propped up against the side of the pedestal, and extends a long way up past it.

>find grue

You attempt to search for a grue, reasoning that since they don't exist in this game, you'll never find one and so it's pointless to look. You continue doing this until you think of another pointless action.

>Find another quest.

You spend several hours searching for another quest, but there isn't one nearly as pointless as this one. You're quite pleased at what a waste of time that search was.

>Climb the ladder all the way to the top.

Since the ladder goes far past your intended target, it would be quite pointless to climb all the way to the top. So you do. You emerge through a hole at the top of the temple.

>push the button

There is no button to push. This means it's pointless to attempt to push any buttons, so you do. Much to your delight, this has no effect whatsoever.

>jump off temple

You jump off the temple - quite pointlessly, as there's a perfectly good set of stairs leading down - and land by the main entrance.

>Take temple.

You attempt to take the temple. It won't budge an inch, and you spend hours pointlessly attempting this. What a wonderfully pointless idea that was!

>integrate temple

You begin calculating the integral of the temple. You come to the conclusion that the temple is a constant, so integrating it produces (Temple)x + c.

>temple ladder

You decide to build a temple to worship the ridiculously long ladder. You look around for a particularly pointless material to build it with, and decide to build it out of sand on a nearby beach. You build the sand temple in exquisite detail, including a 1:1 scale model of the ridiculously long ladder, only for all your work to be washed away when the tide comes in. How wonderfully pointless that was! Oh, wait, upon further inspection, the sand ladder is still there.

>Observe daylight savings.

You decide to observe daylight savings time for no particular reason. Since there are no clocks in the vicinity, and you aren't even wearing a watch, you can't even do anything as a result of this pointless decision. You're pleased that you thought of it.

>take amulet

You go back to the temple entrance, climb the wall of the temple while pointlessly avoiding the stairs, climb down the ladder, and take the amulet, since it's quite pointless to just take it without checking for traps. Unfortunately, you find this doesn't trigger any traps, so you put the amulet back and climb the ladder, jump down to the temple entrance, and go back to the beach. It won't do to just take the amulet like this, you'll need to pointlessly set traps for yourself, and then pointlessly trigger them by taking the amulet.

>Reproduce by budding.

You attempt to reproduce by budding. You lack the necessary biology to achieve this, however, making it a pointless endeavor. Perfect!

>Take amulet and throw it in the sea.

You go back, take the amulet and throw it into the sea, since this will make it much harder to retrieve. You then go through a pointlessly convoluted series of events to retrieve it, then put it back where you found it and return to your current position. Once again, you've gone through a large amount of trouble to accomplish absolutely nothing. Well done.

>take sea and throw it into amulet

You cup your hands and pick up sea water, then go back to where the amulet is and throw water on it. Somehow, you manage to do this without spilling a drop on the way. You do this repeatedly, eventually flooding the amulet's chamber with sea water. This will make a nice trap if you enter the chamber through one of the pointlessly watertight doors instead of using the ladder. Surprisingly, although the amulet is inflatable, it apparently doesn't float. It may be an even more pointless item than you thought. You climb the ladder, jump down to the temple entrance, and return to the beach.

>Electrocute water.

You don't have anything that can be used to electrify the water with. This makes it very pointless to try anyway, so you do! Unsurprisingly, nothing happens. Just as you planned!

>eat chips in a dramatic manner

You have no chips to eat, dramatically or otherwise. Unsurprisingly, this does little to deter you. You eat the chips you don't have in a dramatic manner.

>Eat amulet

You go back to the amulet, which is about six feet under water at this point, pick it up, and attempt to eat it. However, this only serves to get a large amount of sea water in your mouth. The water pushes the amulet out of your mouth every time you try to swallow it, so after several pointless attempts to eat it despite that, you put it back and return to where you were. You really like all this pointless backtracking!

>check inventory

You are not carrying anything. You acquired quite a few items on your last pointless adventure, and saw no reason not to leave them behind for this one, so that's what you did.

(Author's note: This should have been "no reason to leave them behind", my mistake.)

>take inventory

You take inventory of the number of grains of sand on the beach, the number of drops of water in the sea, and the number of oxygen molecules in the air.

>Mix them all and see what turns up.

You mix the sand, water, and oxygen molecules and produce... wet sand. With air in it. You can't think of any way this mixture could possibly help you, so you put it in your inventory.

>go to temple.

You go to the temple in a pointless manner.

>Climb up ladder.

You climb up the wall of the temple, climb down the ladder, then climb up the ladder. My, that was pointless.

>Build second floor on temple.

You begin building a second floor of the temple, which is pointless because it already *has* a second floor. For building materials, you start taking down outer walls of the first floor of the temple, since you have no reason to weaken its structural integrity by doing so. The temple now has an unstable foundation and two second floors.

Part 2!

Spoiler :
>Jump up and down on the second second floor.

You jump up and down on the new second floor. Due to the now-unstable foundation, this results in the entire temple tilting a few degrees.

>Build the third floor,and another third floor,and the third third floor.

You take more material from the first floor walls and use it to build an additional three third floors. The temple has now taken on a vaguely top-like shape. A sudden gust of wind sends the temple spinning away, flinging you off in the opposite direction. You land in a jungle.

>pretend you are pacman

For no particular reason, you pretend that I, the narrator, am Pac-Man. The only effect this has is that you imagine various sound effects while I narrate, which has no bearing on your adventure at all. Another successful act of pointlessness!

>swing on vines

You swing on vines, without actually going anywhere as it's more pointless that way.

>Find a hidden civilization and become its new god of pointlessness

You find a hidden civilization and announce you're the God of Pointlessness. You then start to worship the citizens, because it's pointless for a god to do that. This disturbs them so much that they kick you out and hide their civilization better so you can't find it again.

>call dragon fogel just dragon

You are smote with a large fish from out of nowhere, which disappears shortly after. For reasons known only to yourself (which, knowing you, probably means they don't actually exist), you think Pac-Man is somehow responsible.

(Author's Note: For some time, I've had a joke where the punishment for calling me "Dragon" is whacking the offender with a large fish. I'm not explaining the Pac-Man joke; if you don't already get it, you will by the end of this.)

>scream "zombies, zombies"

You scream "zombies, zombies!" Which is quite pointless, as there are no zombies, and as far as you can see, nobody to warn even if there were zombies.

>Design plans to make a car out of wood and other materials around. Then sever a couple trees and proceed to build a replica of the original temple.

You draw plans for a car made out of wood in the ground, then proceed to pointlessly not make a car. You then start trying to gather wood to make a replica temple, but you pass out from your attempts to knock over trees by headbutting them while ignoring the conveniently-placed axe.


When you come to, you discover yourself tied up on an altar. The chief of the hidden civilization walks up to you and tells you what's going on. It seems that upon further reflection, the hidden civilization has decided to worship you as the God of Pointlessness after all, and they've decided that the most appropriate form of worship for such a god is to sacrifice you to yourself. (You're quite proud of them for thinking of it.) They have prepared an elaborate ceremony for the sacrifice, which is set to begin at midnight. The chief tells you that it's pointless to attempt an escape; of course, now that he's said that, you have no choice but to escape.

>bargain with chief

The chief is too busy making preparations for the sacrifice to talk to you any further. Apparently it's set to begin in only ten minutes. It's probably just as well - the way you bargain, you'd end up giving away all your possessions in exchange for staying right where you are.

>run to the hills

The bonds holding you are too flimsy. If you try to do that, they might break. Under the circumstances, that concern is much too pointless to ignore. No, you'll have to come up with a more pointless way to escape. Perhaps some pointless action you performed before can help you - after all, you see no reason why that should be the case.

>Speak in strange tongues.

You speak in strange tongues. They're so strange, in fact, that as far as you know nobody actually speaks them. Your captors are no exception to this rule.

>make small figurines representing self in wet sand (and) sell them as souvenirs

You can't reach your inventory while tied up, and the bonds are so flimsy that it's more pointless not to even try.

>Do the least pointless thing possible, as it would be pointless for Nopor to do something that's not pointless.

You can't just do that. If you're going to pointlessly undermine your goal of pointlessness, you have to do it in a way that's still fundamentally pointless.

>Tie himself up correctly then try to reach inventory for wet sand

You ask a guard if they can tie you up with sturdier materials, but he either doesn't hear you or is ignoring you. And you can't see anything sturdier yourself. Admittedly, the direction you're looking in doesn't give you a great view of the area, but there's no point in restricting your field of view under the circumstances, so you'll have to do that. It seems the only option left to you, at least according to your own pointless rules, is to say something pointless that will somehow convince them to let you go.

>scream "Ice cream! Ice cream!"

You scream "Ice cream! Ice cream!" for no particular reason. The natives take no notice. Perhaps they're lactose-intolerant.

>demand to have a lawyer appointed to his case

A native with a crude briefcase made of leaves and wood walks up to you and explains that sacrifice is not considered a punishment, but an honor, and as such outside the jurisdiction of the local courts. He then walks away.

>Explain to them that Gods of pointlessness require sacrifices to be as pointless as possible. And that this one isn't pointless enough.

The chief walks over to you and states that it is quite pointless to proceed with a ceremony over the objections of the god the sacrifice is in honor of, and therefore this is perfectly appropriate. Besides, they absolutely must have the sacrifice ready at midnight tonight, or they will suffer various plagues and curses. Granted, you never said anything about that, but that merely means it's pointless to assume it. He then returns to the preparations.

>Explain that sacrificing the God of Pointlessness for that being pointless is actually very appropiate, not pointless. The pointless way of action for a God of Pointlessness would be sacrificing animals and vegetables in a traditional manner.

The chief seems to not find this a significantly different argument from the previous one. He praises your holy pointlessness in repeating it, but it doesn't seem to change his mind.

>attempt to do the rumba

You very pointlessly attempt to do the rumba while not moving enough to break your flimsy bonds.

>eat bonds

You start nibbling at your bonds, which are evidently made from an edible jungle vine. It actually tastes quite good. This means there's no point in stopping, so you do.


You attempt to vomit, but you can't manage it. And your nibbling has made your bonds even looser, so you have to try harder to meet your pointless criterion of not breaking them.

>scream 'influenza'

You scream "Influenza". The chief says that, as far as he knows the God of Pointlessness will still accept a sick sacrifice, and he has no reason not to verify that, so in honor of the God of Pointlessness, he won't. He repeats that it is *very* important that the sacrificial ceremony take place at midnight, otherwise chaos will ensue. Yes, if they somehow missed sacrificing you at midnight, there'd be trouble.

>Stall for time.

You start trying to stall for time in a pointless manner - something you're *very* good at - but the chief stops you and says that he'll see to it that the ceremony starts at the stroke of midnight no matter what you do. He laughs and says you'd have to find a way to bypass midnight entirely to prevent the ceremony.

>bypass midnight entirely

You declare that you're bypassing midnight entirely, but they don't seem to take your declaration seriously. Perhaps you need a more detailed explanation.

>Explain that bypassing midnight would be the most pointless thing for them to possibly do on this night.

They pointlessly ignore your explanation. Perhaps you need to take a different approach.

>Observe daylight savings time again.

You inform the natives that you're observing Daylight Savings Time. Since you're the God of Pointlessness, that means as far as *he's* concerned, it's after midnight. Which means they're nearly an hour late. This news sends everyone into a panic, as plagues and disasters may already be upon them and they just haven't noticed yet. You join in the panic, having no reason to, and break free from your flimsy bonds, running around randomly (and pointlessly). Your random running somehow leads you out of the village and into the middle of a vast desert. You see no sign of any jungle, sea, temple, or anything else.

Part 3!

Spoiler :
>Eat sand.

You haven't specified whether you're referring to the wet sand in your inventory or the desert sand. So you eat some of both. The desert sand is dry, and the wet sand is soggy. You confirm your suspicion that it's pointless to eat sand.

>dig a hole

You dig a hole only a few inches deep. You can't do anything useful with it, making it pointless, but it's technically a hole.

>crawl into hole

You crawl into the very shallow hole. This is pointlessly difficult, because you made it so shallow.

>Make a sand fort.

You make a large, elaborate sand fort, reasoning that it should be utterly useless as a defense if anyone comes after you. (Mind you, it would be quite pointless of them to do that in the first place.)


You run in place, pointlessly expending energy without going anywhere.

>falcon punch

You create a sand sculpture of Captain Falcon in Falcon Punch pose, and pointlessly walk into the sculpture's fist, effectively Falcon Punching yourself. At least, that's how you see it.

>show me your moves

You demonstrate Pac-Man's moves to yourself. You aren't sure if you're impressed, but you're pretty sure it was pointless.

>Tear down the sand fort.

After spending so long making the sand fort, which isn't even at all useful, it's pointless to simply tear it down, so that's what you do.


You flap your arms in a futile and pointless attempt to fly. Well done!

>pretend death

You lie down and pretend to be dead. You twitch a lot, because it's pointless to do that when you're pretending to be dead.

>emulate dodo

You act like a dodo. Since they weren't studied much before they went extinct, you don't really know how they act, but that's never stopped you from doing something before. Apparently, you believe dodos constructed elaborate rocket launch pads out of sand, because that's what you end up doing. However, it seems you don't believe they constructed the rockets.

>check if I'm in Gobi. If so, dig up Velociraptor

Because this adventure does not take place on the planet Earth, you have no reason to believe that this is the Gobi desert. Having no reason to believe it, you *do* believe it, so you start trying to dig up a velociraptor fossil. You do this by digging where you have no reason to expect it to be, and find a complete velociraptor skeleton.

>bring velociraptor to life

Your attempts to bring the velociraptor skeleton to life fail. Not that this is particularly surprising, since you have neither books of necromancy nor any tools for either cloning or tissue regeneration.

>train it to bite pointless persons

You attempt to train the dead velociraptor to bite pointless persons. The obvious result of this training if it succeeded makes it clearly pointless, but it's made even more pointless by the fact that the trainee is dead.

>wear velociraptor skull

You wear the velociraptor skull on your elbow. Because that seems like a very pointless place to put a skull.

>just dance

You start dancing for no reason whatsoever.

>gonna be okay

You decide that you are going to be okay, and pointlessly resolve to stick to this diagnosis regardless of outside circumstances. Of course, you might pointlessly change your mind later.

>get cape

There is no cape to get.

>wear cape

You pointlessly wear the cape that doesn't exist.


You attempt to fly with the nonexistent cape. Somehow, this actually works. However, flying around reveals only more desert - although, since the launch pad made of sand, the headless velociraptor skeleton, and the pointlessly shallow hole never go out of your line of vision, it's more like the *same* desert over and over. Apparently you're in a not-particularly large desert that wraps around.

>Check if I'm in GOBI: Grit on Bean Island.

You see no sign of Grit, beans, or water. You pointlessly conclude that you *are* there, since you have no reason to, but this doesn't affect your actions in any way.

(Author's Note: The site I originally posted this on is an Advance Wars forum. "Grit on Bean Island" is related to Advance Wars. Basically, Grit is a playable character who is extremely cheap. Bean Island is a map that favors Grit ridiculously, it's absurdly hard to beat a competent human player on that map if he's using Grit. This explanation has no real bearing on the adventure, making it pointless. And therefore appropriate.)

>go cheetah

You land from your impossible flight and run around fast, like a cheetah. You still stay in the same section of desert.

>get banana

There is no banana in the desert.

>hey monkey

You pointlessly greet a monkey that isn't there.

>get funky

You get funky. This has no apparent effect.

>become nonapparent

You attempt to become nonapparent. Since you are the only one around, you decide this means that you have to be nonapparent to yourself. You now are not readily apparent to yourself.

>get funky again

You get funky. You think. You can't really see what you're doing.

>examine non apparent effects

You can't tell. You can't see them very well, either.

>Throw skull as far as you can.

You struggle to find the velociraptor skull, since it's on you and you currently aren't apparent to yourself, but you manage to. You throw it as far as you can, and it hits you in the head from behind.

>Fall unconscious and wake up somewhere else.

You fall unconscious, and wake up somewhere else. "Somewhere else" turns out to be on the other side of the elaborate launch pad made of sand.


You elaborate to yourself that you are still in the desert, but for no apparent reason, you have moved from where you were knocked out.

>take reason

You take the nonapparent reason. Well, you *think* you do, anyways. You're really having trouble seeing what you're doing.

>pointless hint

Pointless Hint: You're still nonapparent, but only because you've chosen to be.

>unwrap desert

You can't find any means of unwrapping the desert. No huge ribbon or anything.

>put velociraptor skull in headless velociraptor skeleton

You put the velociraptor skull inside the skeleton's rib cage.

>take velociraptor skeleton

You take the velociraptor skeleton and put it in your inventory.

>pray x0 for desert unwrapment

You pray to x0 to unwrap the desert. This doesn't have much effect. But then, you only did it because you had no reason to expect it to work.

(Author's Note: x0, short for x0_000, is one of the people on the forum playing the game. He submitted such classics as "take sea and throw it into amulet" and "pretend you are pacman".)

>air guitar Bark at the Moon

You play Bark at the Moon on Air Guitar. Or attempt to, despite the fact that you don't know how the song goes at all.

(Author's note: This may have been intended to be on two different lines. I have no idea. But the results were amusing, so nobody complained.)

>make sand rocket with wet sand

You make a miniature sand rocket out of the wet sand.

>put sand rocket into sand lauch pad

You put the miniature sand rocket on the full-sized sand launch pad.

>ride sand rocket

You ride the miniature sand rocket, but nothing happens. Probably because you haven't hit the launch button. You're also pretty sure it can't support your wait (sic), making the whole attempt appropriately pointless.

>press rocket button

You press the button, which is made out of sand. Inexplicably, the rocket goes up into the sky... but doesn't bring you with it. This is probably due to how far away you put the button.

>say 'yeeehaw'

You say "yeeehaw" anyways.

>Become apparent again.

Since there's nobody else to be apparent to, you decide it's pointless to become apparent again. You do so, and find that you are wearing a large tarp and an oversized funnel on your head, and are carrying a reason. Which looks strangely like a horseshoe.

>Nibble on skeleton.

You nibble on the velociraptor skeleton. It's surprisingly tasty, even though there's not much on it beyond sand.

>Wear an eyepatch.

You wear the eyepatch you don't have. You can't see very clearly now.

>Shout some gibberish phrase extremely loudly.

You shout "Some gibberish phrase!" at the top of your lungs. Nobody seems to notice.

>Dance ballet.

You dance ballet, but stumble over something due to the non-existent eyepatch interfering with your vision. It appears to be a small rock, even though you're sure there wasn't one before you started dancing.

>Throw "reason".

You throw the horseshoe... er, reason. It comes around, ready to hit you in the head.


You duck before the horseshoe, er, reason hits. It continues going around the desert endlessly. Apparently it won't stop until it hits something, probably you.


You act like a goose for no reason. This makes you just tall enough to be hit by the orbiting "reason", which suddenly gives you a reason for acting like a goose. You stop as soon as you can, but the damage has been done; acting like a goose has inexplicably caused the velociraptor skeleton to shape itself into the form of a rocket.

>determine topology of desert

You don't have the necessary expertise to do that. So naturally, you try to find out anyway. Your conclusion is "RED".


You say "Jeff" to no one in particular. Nothing happens.

>Dry wet sand

The wet sand seems to want to stay wet.

>Put dried wet sand in inventory

You pointlessly put the nonexistent dry wet sand in your inventory. However, your inventory doesn't acknowledge things that don't exist, even if you do.

>Draw a map of the desert in the sand

You draw a map of the desert in the sand at your feet. Then you start recursively marking the map itself on the map until you don't have room to do so any more.

>Catch a desert storm

(I missed this command and didn't make a response. Whoops.)

>Talk with his imaginary enemy

You talk to your imaginary enemy. Apparently, this is Jeff. He doesn't say much.

>play jazz with imaginary sax

You don't have an imaginary sax, and since there's no reason you can't just imagine one, you don't. You attempt unsuccessfully to play jazz anyways.

>ride velociraptor rocket

You get inside the rocket-shaped velociraptor skeleton.

>activate velociraptor rocket

You press one of the velociraptor skeleton's fingers. A sign pops up out of nowhere saying, "Error: Rocket must have some form of outer covering. Also, must place rocket on launch pad."

>say 'yeehaw'

You say "yeehaw" for no particular reason.

>Go West! Life is peaceful there

You go west, and soon return to where you started. Life does appear to be peaceful here, since you seem to be the only living creature in the desert.

>perform broadway number

You perform an elaborate Broadway number. Despite being alone.

>cover velociraptor rocket with wet sand

You put some wet sand on the velociraptor rocket.

>place rocket on rocket pad

(Whoops! I forgot to do this one, which kind of messed things up. Nobody called me on it. I guess Nopor Puss just pointlessly ignored the command.)

>ride rocket

You get inside the rocket.

>activate rocket

You press one of the velociraptor's fingers. The sign says "Wet sand isn't good enough, dummy. And you're still not on the launch pad."


You say "yeehaw" anyways.

Part 4!

Spoiler :
>Cover skeleton rocket with tarp.

You cover the velociraptor skeleton with the tarp.

>Put funnel on top.

You place the oversized funnel on top of the skeleton.

>Use "reason" as steering wheel.

You put the horseshoe in one of the velociraptor's feet to serve as a steering wheel.

>Activate rocket.

You press the velociraptor's finger from outside the rocket. The sign pops up and says "Hey, don't forget about the launch pad, silly."

>Ride rocket.

(Whoops! Forgot this one. I even had the previous command leave you outside the rocket to do this one. And I got it right the next time it came up, too... Well, it's the same as the other "Ride Rocket" commands.)

>Say "Yeehaw" yet again. =P

You say "Yeehaw!" again. You really enjoy saying that for no reason.

>move rocket to launch pad

You move the rocket to the sand launch pad.

>activate rocket

You press the velociraptor's finger. The sign pops up and starts counting down.

>ride rocket

You get in the rocket during the countdown. It lifts off.

>say yeehaw

You say "Yeehaw!" You feel somewhat disappointed saying it this time, because there seems to be something of a reason for it. You still enjoy saying it, though.

>jump off rocket while in midair

You attempt to jump off the rocket after it takes off, having no reason to do so, but you hit your head on the velociraptor's pelvic bone and are knocked out. When you come to, you find the rocket has landed in the spot the temple used to be. A large trail is visible in the nearby sand. You assume it wasn't caused by the temple, because you have no reason to assume that.

>be my lover

You decide to be your own lover. Not in that way, you sickos. You make a point to give yourself some flowers and chocolates, after you've developed an allergy to them to make the gesture pointless.


You present yourself with a bill for $100,000,000,000,000 or one Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity to cover the cost of the missing temple. (After all, it *was* yours in the first place.)

>pay with sweat and blood

You have neither sweat nor blood in your inventory, but you offer them to yourself anyways. However, you don't seem inclined to take the offer.

>meet richard reti

You have no idea who Richard Reti is, but you have a sudden urge to meet him. Of course, he isn't here, so you can't really do that; but then, that rarely stops you from trying to do something. You ask Jeff if he can introduce you, but it seems he was left in the desert.

>lament at cruel fate

You lament at cruel fate by laughing maniacally.

>laugh maniacally

You laugh maniacally about absolutely nothing.

>learn to run fast like a certain hedgehog

You learn to run as fast as a hedgehog that is very certain of itself. This isn't actually all that fast, but if you had a good reason for doing it, you wouldn't have bothered.

>Wait for a random girl to save you.

Nobody passes by, female or otherwise.

>Case her to marry her.

You put the nonexistent female who doesn't pass by into a case (which you quickly sculpted out of sand again, probably) and ask her to marry you. You can't hear the reply, though, due to the fact that she doesn't exist, and being stuffed in a case made out of sand would make it hard to hear or respond to any questions anyways.

>develop allergy for Inflatable Amulets of Pomposity

You pointlessly decide that you are allergic to Inflatable Amulets of Pomposity.

>take Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity

You don't know where the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity is, but you just take an imaginary one instead.

>hug Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity

You hug the nonexistent Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity. This triggers your allergic reaction, for no reason other than that you decided it would. You start to itch a lot.

>forget to breathe

You forget to breathe and pass out. You come to later, finding that you've been scratching yourself instinctively while unconscious. You also somehow moved right into the temple's trail. Your allergy to Inflatable Amulets of Pomposity, imaginary or otherwise, seems to have worn off and you don't itch at all. This, of course, means you continue to scratch.

>look around

You look around. You are on the beach, in the middle of a large trail evidently made by the escaping temple. It leads under the water.

>figure self out

You try to figure yourself out. You conclude that you do pointless things all the time, at least as long as you can help it. You also notice that you have a strange habit of moving while unconscious, that you are extraordinarily good at making sand sculptures, and that you have a very vivid imagination that results in you wearing eyepatches and capes that aren't there, and having them take effect. You also note that you're still wearing the eyepatch you don't have, but you're adjusting to it.


You say "yes". You're not sure what too (sic), but you're saying it anyways.

>(crying forum smiley)

You make a sad face for no reason.

>Disable BBCode

You disable BBCode in your life. Whatever that is.

>Disable smilies

You disable smilies. Your face goes blank.

>Do not automatically parse URLs

You do not automatically parse URLs. You pointedly (or pointlessly, as the case may be) look at the URLs that aren't in the area and state that you're parsing them, but it's intentional and not a reflex action.

>Attach a signature (signatures can be altered via the UCP)

You attach a signature (which can apparently be altered by the UCP) to your blank face.

>Notify me when a reply is posted

You decide to notify yourself when a reply to the signature on your face is posted there. After all, it's pointless to expect you not to already know.

>figure out how to breathe underwater

You notice some scuba gear on the beach. Rather than simply *using* the scuba gear, of course, you construct an elaborate replica out of sand and use that instead.

>follow temple trail

You follow the temple underwater wearing the sand scuba gear. Your gear dissolves in the water before long, but you pointlessly ignore this for quite a while. About halfway across, you pointlessly *do* notice it, and promptly fall unconscious.


Some time later, you wake up. You are now inside a shark. Upon further examination, it seems that the shark has swallowed you headfirst, but is having trouble with the rest of your body. It also doesn't seem to be biting you very hard. You don't appear to be in much danger at the moment, on the whole; you decide you'd better do something about that, since there's no reason to put yourself in any more danger right now.

(Author's Note: This next sequence is one of my favorites. I handled the entire next set of commands IN A SINGLE POST, and I had no particular idea where I was going with it when I started with it.)

>work myself in danger by a long chain of stupid actions.

After a long chain of stupid actions, you are partially inside a shark, with a time bomb strapped to it, suspended by a flimsy chain in midair over a pool of lava, which is going to erupt once the time bomb goes off, and the eruption will cause a nearby nuclear power station to explode, which will also awaken an ancient dormant world-destroying monster. And there's a crazy guy pointing a gun at you, and another one pointing a harpoon at the shark.

>Imagine video game: eternal pointlessness: intelligence's requiem.

Rather than attempting to get out of the incredibly dangerous situation you are in, you imagine a video game about pointlessness.

>Get a actions-with-a-point system,which involves a bar that never may fill completely.

Somehow, you produce a "Point Meter", which goes up anytime you perform an action with a point. If you fill it, you lose. It is currently empty - either it doesn't count your actions so far, or you've been sufficiently pointless to cancel out the effects of anything useful you've done.

>check high scores

You check the high scores. They're all zero. You're also not sure just what they're high scores *for*, mind you.

>check if arms are free to wiggle inside shark

Your arms are not actually in the shark - it's only biting you up to the shoulders. You attempt to put them into its mouth to test this, but there's no room to fit them in.

>check bounce

You decide to check if something bounces. The only thing you find is the time bomb. You throw it, not being able to see where it lands; it winds up hitting the crazy guy with a gun, and by a ridiculous coincidence, this loosens one wire and disarms the bomb. Your Point Meter goes up by 10.


You make a checkmark with your arms. The crazy guy with a harpoon takes this as a signal to throw it from his current position; he does so, missing the shark and cutting through the rope. You start plummeting towards the pool of lava. Better hope it's a lava-proof shark.


You challenge the lava to a chess game, and immediately yell "Checkmate!" before you even make a move. The lava doesn't find this convincing, as you continue to plummet towards it. On the plus side, it's a long way down.


Through means that are impossible to describe, you convert the lava into a checker pattern of lava and water. Unfortunately, you're still headed for a lava square.

>check her out

You have somehow determined that the shark is female, and decide to pull yourself out to examine her more closely. Your movements wind up adjusting your fall just enough that you land in a water square instead. You find that the shark looks pretty good.

>shark transform

You calculate Laplace transforms on the shark's skin. It doesn't seem to notice.

>czech republic

You claim your current position in the name of the Czech Republic. Of course, you aren't even *from* the Czech Republic, so this is a pointless gesture.

>cancel all previous uncarried commands

You cancel all commands you are not carrying. You aren't carrying any commands, but it turns out you've never issued any either, so this action is also pointless.

>czech republic

You once again claim your current position in the name of the Czech Republic. This has no more effect than the first time, but it's even more pointless due to the fact that you already tried it.


You think, and then conclude that you exist. This doesn't change the fact that you're in a pool of water surrounded by pools of lava.

>bite shark insides

You stick your head back inside the shark and bite its insides. It yells in pain (apparently, despite being out of water so long, it's still alive) and spits you out into the air with immense force. You land right in the middle of the temple tracks, and you are evidently on the other side of the ocean.

(This concludes the long string of commands that I handled in a single post. Yes, I put him in a ridiculously dangerous situation and got him out of it in one post, without even planning it that way! The best part is, I was already set to post, then got the "new post notification" on the final command that set Nopor free. And yes, the Point Meter will be making a return.)

>go back to volcano

After an incredibly elaborate series of events, which leads to the Czech Republic declaring war on you, you somehow locate the volcano and make your way back there.

>jump to water square with shark

You jump to the water square with the shark in it.

>bite shark insides again

You stick your head in the shark and bite its insides again, with the same result. You land in exactly the same place as before.

>stand in awe

You stand in awe. Just what you're in awe of is unclear, but you're certainly in awe of it.

>ready or not

You ready yourself. Or you don't. You won't be sure until something happens for you to be ready for. Suddenly, you are transformed into a cat and stuffed into a box. It turns out you actually *were* ready for that, though, so you transform back to normal (well, normal for *you*, anyways* and are now too big for the box, so it breaks open. You are now surrounded by broken bits of box, which you decide to take since they will be absolutely useless for holding anything.

>here i come

You declare that you are coming here. In fact, you are already here, so you've already done this. Making the declaration pointless, just as planned.

>you can't hide

You tell Pac-Man that he can't hide.

>gonna find you

You somehow locate Pac-Man.

>and make you want me

You make Pac-Man want you... for lunch. He eats you. You are now inside Pac-Man.

>do the hustle

You start to do the hustle. However, you slip on a power pellet and fall down.

>determine speed and position of pacman

You cannot determine Pac-Man's speed without affecting his position, and you cannot determine his position without affecting his speed. Since it is pointless to try, you do so anyway, working on both at once. You alter Pac-Man's position and speed in such a way that he is running at top speed towards a brick wall. He hits it and falls unconscious. You crawl out of his mouth and examine your surroundings.


By an amazing coincidence, the temple's trail heads this way. In fact, you can see the trail going over the brick wall. Pac-Man's unconscious body happens to be just tall enough that you could climb on him and reach the top of the wall. There is also a stall nearby selling trinkets.

>buy stall

You offer the stall owner a handful of wet sand to purchase his business. Surprisingly, he agrees. He then runs off.

>Engage in bitter price war with trinket stall.

You engage in a bitter price war with the stall, which is quite pointless because you own it. Neither you nor your stall manages to attract any customers.

>take lemon out of mouth and try sweet price war with trinket stall

You put a lemon in your mouth, then take it out and declare the price war is now "sweet". Pac-Man, having regained consciousness, purchases the lemon from you and walks off. You now have 35 cents.

>Insert coins into coin slot.

You insert the 35 cents into a nonexistent coin slot on the wall. A portion of the wall slides away, revealing a path to the other side.

>relax, take it easy

You relax in the middle of the newly-opened doorway. As you do this, a band of Mongols on the other side kidnaps you. You don't struggle, since you're too busy relaxing for that. They take you to their camp. On the way, you happen to spot the temple on the other side of a vast canyon.


You are now a prisoner in a Mongol camp.

>Serve light refreshments.

Anachronistically, your cell has a lightbulb. You offer it to your Mongol captors as a meal. They turn it down.

>Do the truffle shuffle

You dig into your floor, looking for truffles. You don't find any, but that doesn't stop you from shuffling them. There is now a large hole in the floor.

(I'm not positive, but I think this is the only direct Problem Sleuth reference in the whole adventure.)

There's no reason for this | Or this | Death is inevitable | You can't challenge fate | The smallest change
I'm serious | It makes perfect sense | Easy as ABC! | I can't even explain it
I suck | I rule | I've got it made | Really, I'm serious | This bugs me | It's all lies | I want to believe
05-19-2009 02:20 AM
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Dragon Fogel
 Re: An extremely wacky offsite text adventure.
Post: #2
The Goddamn Pacman

Posts: 7,562
Joined: Jul 2011
Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

Part 5!

Spoiler :
>Reply 200

You make 200 replies to the signature on your face and notify yourself of them all.

>weld lightbulb to mongols

You make it appear to the Mongols that you are wielding the lightbulb, but you actually aren't. I'm not sure how you're managing to do that.

(I misread this command.)

>take large hole in floor

You attempt to pick up the hole in the floor. Oddly enough, this works.

>brandish hole

You strike a dramatic pose, brandishing the hole.

>hit mongols with large hole

You hit the Mongols with the hole, knocking them out. However, somehow you did this without affecting the locked door to your cell at all.

>WELD lightbulb to mongols

You realize you pointlessly misinterpreted your own idea of "weld" as "wield" previously. You set about correcting this by welding the lightbulb to the Mongols on the other side of the door, using a blowtorch that you don't have. It isn't a very good welding job, really, but you *are* trying to be pointless here.

>Take cell door.

You take the cell door. Apparently, the Mongols don't use very secure hinges.

>Dig tunnel from inside cell to directly outside to escape. (Entirely pointless, as if you've taken the door, it's already opened!)

Now that you can just walk out of the cell, it's pointless to dig a tunnel to the outside, so you do. In fact, you dig it so that the other side of the tunnel is right outside the door. Amazingly, the Mongols are still unconscious. You must have hit them hard with that hole.

>Sneak stealthily around, pulling off improbable James Bond-esque moves as you go.

You stealthily sneak around the Mongol camp, taking the most unnecessarily convoluted route you can come up with and performing ridiculous moves to avoid being spotted by the Mongols. You finally make your way out. Surprisingly, they don't seem to have noticed that you're not in your cell, the door is missing, there's a tunnel from inside the cell to the outside, and the guards assigned to you are unconscious. Either that or they don't care.

>Alert remaining Mongols that you're escaping once you reach the exit. (After all, it's pointless to draw attention to yourself after all that trouble.)

At the exit of the camp, you yell "I've escaped!" at the top of your lungs, so all the effort you put into your pointlessly convoluted escape was useless. What a success! You wait around for them to catch you and lock you up again, to make it even more pointless, but they all run into the hole you dug earlier. Apparently, they don't have very good senses of direction.

>become offended at poor guard quality

You are offended at the poor quality of the guards, even though it works in your favor. You leave a harshly-worded note to whoever is in charge, and put it where no one will see it.


You do a backflip. You have exited the Mongol camp.


You do a frontflip. You are back in the Mongol camp.

>fuse backflip and frontflip

You somehow manage to combine a backflip and a frontflip. You stay where you are.

>squeal like a fangirl

You squeal like a fangirl for no reason whatsoever.

>flee own shadow

You flee from your own shadow. It chases you down into the hole where all the Mongols fell. (Or more accurately, you let it chase you there.) They're too busy arguing with each other to notice you, though.

>fuseflip once again

You do a combined backflip and frontflip again. This gets the Mongols' attention. They applaud you, but don't seem to react as you'd expect to someone who escaped from their cell.

>pelvic thrust

You do pelvic thrusts. The Mongols are unimpressed and go back to fighting amongst themselves. You should have quit while you were ahead, but then, you very rarely do what you should.


You jump out of the hole. Soon after, it starts dawning on the Mongols that you look just like that guy they took prisoner and they start unsuccessfully attempting to follow you out. You'd help them, but you just spotted your shadow again, so you run.


You are now awesome. You can't see any reason why you should suddenly become awesome, so this pleases you.

>Run slowly.

You run slowly. Your shadow runs slower, too. You think you may have discovered your crafty foe's weakness. You slowly run to the edge of the canyon you saw earlier, seeing no reason why it would help you escape from your shadow.

>Jumping Jacks.

You do jumping jacks on the edge of the canyon. However, the rock formation you are standing on isn't very stable. It wobbles, and falls, with you still on it. You are now plummeting to your doom.

>Transform into a camel.

You attempt to transform into a camel in midair. Since you possess no shapeshifting powers whatsoever, this is a pointless action, made even more so by the fact that you can see no way being a camel could help you at this point. You make various gestures that do nothing as far as you know, which by an amazing coincidence closely resembles the mating dance of the East Mongolian Flying Camel. One swoops by and picks you up, carrying you to its nest on the peak of a distant mountain. The flying camel seems to be romantically interested in you.

>become homoerotically aroused by shadow

You do so, but you don't stop wanting to flee from it. You make a pointlessly dangerous attempt to do so, but the flying camel seems uninterested in letting you leave.

>give camel handjob

You offer the flying camel a job as a hand. It doesn't seem to understand.


You laugh at nothing in particular.


You cry about nothing in particular.


You laugh at nothing in particular again.


You run in place, so you expend energy without getting anywhere.

>Draw Masamune from pedestal.

You form various rocks into the shape of a pedestal, then take a sketchpad from out of nowhere and do a quick sketch of the Masamune using the crude pedestal as a model. You now have an extremely bad sketch of the Masamune.

>put camel in inventory

You put the camel in the inventory of the stall you own, which is pointless as you're not at the stall.

>condition camel to salivate when you clap your hands

You have no idea how to engineer a Pavlovian response in a camel, but that doesn't stop you from trying. It does stop you from succeeding, but that just makes the exercise even more pointless.

>clap your hands say yeah

You clap your hands and say "yeah". Oddly enough, despite the utter failure of your attempt at Pavlovian conditioning, the camel starts salivating.

>smite flying camel

You decide to smite the flying camel with wet sand. This mostly just confuses it.

>identify "flying camel" as "Nopor Puss' shadow"

You identify the flying camel as your shadow, and start running away. Confused by the sand, it takes longer to start flying, and you are able to get away, jumping recklessly off the mountain. You land safely on a ledge not far below, but the camel flies away, apparently not noticing your landing spot.

>grow wings

You take some seeds out of nowhere and plant them in the ground. For no reason, you expect them to eventually grow into wings.

>run around as in fire

Since you're not on fire, you have no reason to run around as if you're on fire. So you do.

>set self on fire

You run faster and faster, generating enough friction that you actually set yourself on fire.

>stay still

Since you're actually *on* fire now, you stop running around and stand still. An automated drone flies up to you, puts you out with a fire extinguisher, and picks you up, then carries you to a hospital for burn treatment. You have no idea who could have built an automated drone to put out fires near a flying camel's nest, but you also have no reason not to wonder about it, so you don't.

>add drone to inventory

The drone is very uncooperative and adds you to *its* inventory as you struggle with it.

>take scalpel

The drone's inventory also includes a scalpel. You take it. The drone seems confused, as it did not use the command "Combine Nopor Puss with scalpel".

>pretend to be a doctor, operate on several patients is if in Trauma Center

There are no other patients to operate on. Of course, that sort of problem hasn't stopped you before. You start operating on nonexistent patients while in the drone's inventory. This has no effect, as the drone is largely made of metal that is too sturdy for the scalpel to pierce through.

>draw pentacle on touch screen and invoke SEPULCHRITUDE

You find a touch screen on the drone and "draw" a pentacle on it with the scalpel. Before you can invoke anything, however, you cut through a wire behind the screen and get a nasty electric shock, which knocks you out. You did manage to short out the drone, however.

(Okay, I was wrong. There was another Problem Sleuth reference.)


You wake up in a padded cell. Your inventory has been confiscated. Apparently, whoever runs this hospital thinks you're insane. You can't think of what could possibly have given them that idea.

>down with the sickness

You start protesting against sickness. After all, nobody's going to see you in here, and you don't even have a protest sign to hold up.

>CO power

You use a CO power. It does nothing.

(This is a gameplay feature of the Advance Wars series. Basically, after your units take or deal enough damage, you can activate your chosen character's CO Power, which has various effects.)

>iron man

You iron a man who isn't there with an iron and ironing board you don't have.


You act like yogurt. This has no effect, just as you'd hoped.


You stock up on oxygen molecules.

>act crumpets crazy

You start acting crazy and demand crumpets. A robot comes out of a panel in the ceiling and drops off a tray filled with them. Now that's service.

>eat crumpets like I've been starving for 3 days

You rapidly devour the crumpets, since you aren't really that hungry.


You make the room slightly colder. Or would, if you had anything you could do it with; instead, you just *act* like you did and shiver a bit. The robot reacts by throwing a blanket over you.

>listen to jazz

You listen to jazz music that isn't being played.


You genuflect, but it doesn't really show very clearly under the blanket. Well, that just makes it more pointless.

>do or die

You reflect on the question of whether to give yourself a hairdo or roll a die. On the one hand, you have hair, but no styling tools; on the other hand, you have no die. You choose the die in the end. You roll the die you don't have, and get a 1.

>Act crazy

You perform a play by yourself, switching between roles at a frantic pace. That's some crazy acting.

>Scream insults in pig-latin

You scream insults in Pig Latin. They're directed at you, but you can't understand a word you're saying.

>replace default mode of transportation "walk" with "roll in a ball"

You decide, for no reason, to roll in a ball instead of walking. You roll around your cell.


You roll around in a ball some more.

>Like an Egyptian...

You suddenly start liking a random Egyptian.

>we have to take our clothes off

You're having trouble taking the straitjacket off. Besides, it's pointless to keep it on, so you intend to do so.

>we have to party all night

You attempt to hold a party with the robot all night. It doesn't seem very cooperative.

>have a good time

You have a good time, since you can't seem to do anything effectively while wearing a straitjacket in a padded cell. Everything you do is much more pointless as a result.


You fall asleep. When you wake up, you are on the outside of the padded cell. Looking through the barred window, you can see the robot is still in there, confused. You're still wearing the straitjacket.

Part 6!

Spoiler :
>Impregnate Lanthanum Oxide with Chromium Oxide.

You attempt to impregnate lanthanum oxide with chromium oxide, while having neither and being in a straitjacket. Unsurprisingly, this doesn't work.

>act backwards

You act out the entirety of Hamlet, starting from the last line and working your way back to the first. Somehow, you have time to do this without anybody arriving and noticing that you've left your padded cell.

>barrel roll

You roll a barrel that isn't there.

>ask "why, God?" out loud

You ask "Why, God?" and receive no answer. This is enough to satisfy you.

>download 300 anime series

You attempt to download 300 anime series without a computer or Internet connection and while wearing a straitjacket.

>delete anime folder

You delete the folder of downloaded anime on the computer you don't have, making all the time you spent not doing the above entirely pointless. Although, if you were using a real computer, it probably would have been more pointless to keep the folder and not watch anything in it, so as to pointlessly waste disk space.

>move around pointlessly

You use pointlessly difficult methods of locomotion to go to various locations that you have no reason to go to.

>act reckless beyond any limits

You act as recklessly as you can while wearing a straitjacket in an unfamiliar hallway - which is, pretty much, to charge wildly in one direction and run headfirst into a wall. You do this and get knocked out again.


When you come to, you are strapped to a couch in a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist is making notes; he looks at you expectantly. Apparently he's waiting for you to say something.

>sing a song that never ends

You sing the words "a song that never ends".

>sing "I feel Pretty"

You sing the words "I feel pretty".

>sing "Momma Mia"

(I missed this command.)

>mutter demonic curses

You mutter demonic curses. At least, you *think* they are. You just made them up, after all.

>look around

You look around, you see nothing that would be out of place in a psychiatrist's office.

>walk around the edge of the room

With great effort, you stand up, still strapped to the couch, and walk around the edges of the room. The psychiatrist seems rather surprised by this.

>replace default mode of transportation "walk" with "roll in a ball" again

You suddenly remember that you're supposed to be rolling in a ball in place of walking. All these blows to the head must be messing with your memory. Or maybe it's Pac-Man's fault. In any case, you start rolling while still strapped to the couch. This knocks over a bookshelf, revealing a secret passage, though it's too small for you to fit in with a couch strapped to you. The psychiatrist is furious at the mess you've made.

>move around the edges of the room again

Now you move around the edges of the room by hopping up and down on one foot. Or at least, as best as you can manage with a couch strapped to you. The resulting vibrations cause a ceiling fixture to come loose and fall down on the psychiatrist, knocking him out.

>ask the psychiatrist if he was sexually abused as a small child

It's very pointless to ask questions to somebody who's unconscious, so you do.

>take psychiatrist

You are in a straitjacket and strapped to a couch. This makes it very difficult to put anything in your inventory, much less a person, even if they are unconscious and unable to struggle. You attempt it anyways. Unfortunately, the end result is that the psychiatrist is in the straitjacket and strapped to the couch, and you are free. You expect that your Point Meter should rise by 2, but then you realize that it was in your confiscated inventory. You make a note to yourself to raise it by 3 when you get it back.

>roll into secret passage

You roll into the secret passage. After all, you have no idea where it leads, and so there's no reason to rush right into whatever potential dangers it holds.

>shout "That's how I roll, bitch." to the psychiatrist as you roll away

You taunt the unconscious, bound psychiatrist as you roll away. This also means you aren't looking where you're going, so you don't notice the stairway leading down as you roll towards it. Sometime later, after a needlessly painful descent, you come to the bottom of the stairs. There are two doors in front of you. One says "DANGER: KILLER OCTOPUS" on the sign. The other says "SAFE ROUTE."

>take sign

You take the "DANGER: KILLER OCTOPUS" sign.

>attach sign on safe route door

You put the "DANGER: KILLER OCTOPUS" sign over the "SAFE ROUTE" sign.

>enter killer octopus door

You go through the door with "DANGER: KILLER OCTOPUS" on it. After all, what possible reason could you have for going through a door with "DANGER: KILLER OCTOPUS" on it? However, you do not come across any octopi, killer or otherwise, much to your disappointment. You do, however, emerge in a small room with a bag marked "Crazy Pointless Guy's Confiscated Items".

>Take Crazy Pointless Guy's Confiscated Items

You take the bag. Although it contains everything you had in your inventory before being locked in a padded cell, you don't open it, because you have no reason not to.

>Use Crazy Pointless Guy's Confiscated Items

You hit yourself on the head with the bag, knocking yourself out.


When you come to, you are outside the hospital. You can see the temple off in the distance; it seems this hospital is on the other side of the canyon. You also see a swamp in that direction. Beyond the swamp is a large, imposing castle.

>move swamp to castle

You pick up bits of swamp muck and throw them into the castle.

>move castle to swamp

You painstakingly pick up the bits of swamp muck you threw into the castle, throw them back where they were, disassemble the castle piece by piece, and reassemble it in the swamp.


You are carrying: a bag with "Crazy Pointless Guy's Confiscated Items" written on it. You haven't opened it yet, because the items in the bag are even more useless if you don't actually open it. You then remember that you haven't updated your Point Meter, and it's counterproductive for you to do so. You open the bag and find wet sand, a reason (which looks a lot like a horseshoe), a Point Meter, a hole in the ground, a cell door, a bad sketch of the Masamune, and some oxygen molecules. You add 4 points to the Point Meter, since it's pointless to add more than you already had.

(I forgot the pieces of wood in this listing. I didn't realize this until much later.)

>roll to temple

Your attempt to roll directly to the temple is impeded by bandits. Very scrawny and incompetent bandits. There's no reason to avoid them, really, so you do.

>roll castle around

You unsuccessfully attempt to roll the castle in the swamp muck.

>rock and roll

You pretend to be a rock, and start rolling. This takes you towards the bandits. They mistake you for a large boulder, and run away.

(These last four commands were in the same post, which got double-posted. So I did them all again!)


You are carrying a bag, wet sand, a reason (which looks like a horseshoe), a Point Meter, a hole in the ground, a cell door, a bad sketch of the Masamune, and some oxygen molecules.

>roll to temple

Although the bandits are no longer there, beyond them is the Valley of Perfectly Safe Things. You have no reason to avoid going there, so you don't.

>roll castle around

You unsuccessfully attempt to roll the castle in the swamp muck again.

>rock and roll

Since there's no reason for you to interpret this command differently a second time, you do. You start acting like a rock star for no reason.

>california roll

You can't find California. You roll it anyways.

>push up the ante

You bet yourself $50,000 that you can't find the Inflatable Amulet, then you up the ante to $75,000. Along with the bill you've given yourself for the temple, you have heavy financial incentives to find it, and to prevent yourself from finding it. Or you would, if not for the fact that you get the money either way. But since there's no reason to ignore that fact, you do.

>Push down the uncle.

You push your nonexistent uncle down to the ground. After all, he's never done anything to hurt you.

>Enter castle.

You enter the castle in the swamp. It's filled with swamp muck, not surprisingly.

>Get ye flask.

You can get ye flask. It is not bolted to ye shelf which is not strongly bolted to ye wall, which is coming loose from ye castle (which, after all, you disassembled and reassembled). In short, it is not pointless to even try, so you don't.

>remember everything and all

You somehow remember everything that has ever happened in the universe. You then immediately forget all of the information that could be of any possible use to you.

>look for grue

You unsuccessfully try to find a grue again.

>pray x0_000

You pray to x0_000, but receive no answer. Just as you'd hoped!

>exit castle in panic

You exit the castle in a pointless panic. You are now knee-deep in swamp muck.

>Get ye flask.

It is not pointless enough to get ye flask yet.

>Dump contents out into swamp.

You go into ye castle, get ye flask, go out and dump ye contents of ye flask into ye swamp, then put ye flask back. Ye swamp is now making ye strange bubbling noises outside.

>Put sketch of Masamune into ye now empty flask.

You put ye sketch into ye now empty flask.

>Throw ye flask in the ocean.

You cannot find ye ocean to throw ye flask into. You take ye flask so you can throw it into ye first ocean you see, in case it is not pointlessly complicated enough to make it back to ye castle when you find ye ocean.

>tranform swamp into ocean

You go outside and plan to transform the swamp into an ocean. You have no idea how to do that, but it's not like that ever stops you. However, when you go outside, you discover that whatever was in the flask has created a ferocious swamp monster. It looks at you hungrily.


You build an electric transformer out of swamp muck. Like most things you build, it doesn't function very well, but it seems to confuse the swamp monster. It tries to eat the transformer, but gets inexplicably electrified.

>Die then reincarnate as the world's most powerful ruler.

You roll a die, getting a 3. This does not cause you to reincarnate as the world's most powerful ruler, but you think it does, because you have no reason to.


You roll 2d6. You get a 9. This has no meaning whatsoever, just as you hoped.

>Wear halloween costume

You put on a Nopor Puss costume for Halloween.

>go trick-or-treating

You go trick-or-treating at the hospital. A confused robot hands you a tranquilizer needle. No other place you visit gives you any results.

>use tranquilizer needle on self

You use the tranquilizer needle on yourself. You fall unconscious, and wake up back near the temple's original position. It will be pointlessly difficult to make your way back... so you do, just to put ye flask back in ye castle. Then you make a pointlessly difficult journey back, *then* another pointlessly difficult journey back to ye castle to get ye flask, and finally one last pointlessly difficult journey back. You throw ye flask into ye ocean.

>pretend it's a hallucinogen

You pretend that the tranquilizer was a hallucinogen, and start to actually hallucinate because there's no reason why you should.

>go into imagination land

You go into imagination land, which looks remarkably like a nation ruled by a fascist dictatorship. You think this is just a coincidence, because you have no reason to.

>you say party

You imagine Pac-Man saying "Party".

>we say die

You grab a random passerby, and tell him to say "Die". You say it at the same time he does.

>Call Pac-Man "Dragon"

You call Pac-Man "Dragon". He comes after you wielding a large fish.

>flee Pac-Man

You run away from Pac-Man, towards the edge of a cliff. You conclude that jumping off a cliff is more likely to be dangerous than being hit with a fish, so you jump. You land back near the hospital somehow, although you're still hallucinating, so you view it as being a giant killer octopus.

Part 7!

Spoiler :
>tell Pac-Man that the giant killer octopus just called him "Dragon"

You tell Pac-Man that the giant killer octopus called him "Dragon". However, Pac-Man isn't there, so this has no effect.

>drag on

You write the word "ON" on the ground and make a pointless attempt to drag it.

>scare the hell out of everybody in sight

The only being in sight is the giant killer octopus. You attempt to scare it by facing it and shouting "Boo!" This doesn't work very well.

>burn, baby, burn

You burn an imaginary baby that you aren't even hallucinating.

>run away from hospital

You run away from the hospital/octopus.

>enter hospital

You enter the giant killer octopus' mouth.

>donate some blood

You cut yourself and leave the blood behind, telling the hospital staff they can have it.

>exit hospital

You leave the giant killer octopus' mouth.

>travel around the whole planet to get to the swamp in the other direction

You walk the long way around the world to get to the swamp, leaving a trail of blood behind you. The cut heals, coincidentally, right as you reach the swamp. Amazingly, despite the fact that you pointlessly left it exposed the whole time, it didn't get infect. (sic)

>drink swamp

You drink the swamp muck and pass out. You wake up in front of the temple.

>enter temple

You enter what is left of the first floor of the temple.

>stand in awe

You stand in awe of a patch of dirt at your feet for no reason at all.

>laugh histerically

You laugh hysterically over nothing.


You gloat for no particular reason.

>declare war

You declare war on yourself. You lose.

>conquer the earth

You conquer the patch of dirt, or earth, at your feet.

>gloat some more

You gloat some more. You still don't have a particular reason for gloating.

>Sculpt a statue of your likeness.

You sculpt a statue of your likeness out of the earth you've conquered. It's much worse than your sand sculptures, but that's only because you have no reason not to do a better job.

>Worship the statue.

You begin worshipping the dirt statue of yourself. You get nothing in return, just as you hoped.

>burn down statue with water

You plan to set the statue on fire by dumping water on it. You recall that there is plenty of water in the room with the amulet, and that it would be pointlessly dangerous to open the door and let it out, so you go and do that. The water washes through the temple, and washes the statue away.

>take inflatable amulet of pomposity

You take the amulet, planning to double-cross yourself and run away with it. Or possibly to keep it away from yourself so that you have to pay yourself the money. Or both. You have quite a few pointless motivations for taking it, but you also know that you can't let yourself have it. This is a pointless excuse for claiming that you haven't met the win condition, which is good enough for you.

>set inflatable amulet of pomposity on fire

You set the amulet on fire. You now have the Flaming Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity.

>hug Flaming Inflatable Amulet Of Pomposity

You hug the flaming amulet. You are now on fire.

>wait until it asplodes

You wait for the amulet to explode. This does not seem to be happening any time soon.


You demand that Pac-Man whip the amulet. Pac-Man does not respond to your demand, possibly because he is not here.

>Go on a quest to find the best girlfriend ever.

You pointlessly abandon your current quest and attempt to find the best girlfriend ever. You do. You then pointlessly make an archenemy, solely so you can lose her to him. You then proceed to do just that.

>Make a fake amulet then sell it on ebay as the real thing.

You make a fake amulet... rather pointlessly, out of the real one. You put out the fire and then re-craft the amulet so it looks just like itself. You sell it on eBay... and the winning bidder is you, after a fierce bidding war between you, you, you and you.

>End world hunger.

After many days of work, you come up with a foolproof plan to end world hunger. Of course, it's pointless to keep it to yourself...

>Debut in American Politics.

You announce your intention to run for President of the United States in 2008. Of course, a) there's nobody to announce this to, and b) you're a little late. Perfect!

>Give up all your worldly goods.

You attempt to give up all your worldly goods, but it turns out they're so thoroughly useless that nobody else wants them.


You sing beautifully as a baritone, but there's nobody around to hear you.


You play a trombone that isn't there.


You use your femur to play the nonexistent trombone, just to make it pointlessly difficult.

>Tronn Bonne

You do your Tronn Bonne impersonation, which like most of your impersonations, does not actually relate to doing anything the impersonated individual or creature actually does. Instead, your Tronn Bonne impersonation involves closing your eyes, turning around, and throwing the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity in a random direction.

(Tronn Bonne is another poster on the forum. He didn't post in this topic at all, though.)

>insult x0 for combo-breaker speed

You insult x0. Having angered him, your previous prayers to him are no longer operative. Of course, they had no effect anyways.

(x0 posted "femur".)

>freak out

You freak out over absolutely nothing. Well, you *could* freak out over throwing the amulet away, but it's more pointless to freak out over nothing.

>go psycho

You go psycho over absolutely nothing. See previous reasoning (or lack thereof).

>Run around frantically, searching for the amulet.

You run around frantically, searching for the amulet. It turns out you didn't throw it very far; it hit a wall. You continue to run around frantically after you find it, of course.

>Find the amulet and hold it up triumphantly, while humming the Zelda item fanfare.

You pick up the amulet and hold it up triumphantly while humming the Zelda fanfare.

>Perform previous "impersonation" again =P

You impersonate Tronn Bonne again, and throw the amulet in a random direction. Pointlessly, it falls in exactly the same place.

>Repeat entire previous sequence again three times. =P

You pointlessly interpret "previous sequence" as broadly as possible, and repeat every command that has been given in the entire game, in the same order. You do this three times. At the end of all this, you find yourself on the moon, wearing a tutu, holding a lit stick of dynamite, and surrounded by killer tortoises. Neither the amulet nor the temple, or in fact the *planet*, are anywhere to be seen.

>Train the tortoises

You train the tortoises to viciously attack you. However, you don't train them to stay away from sticks of dynamite, so the first one that attacks just grabs the dynamite. The resulting explosion scares the rest of them away.

>Eat the tortoises

You're too hungry to eat anything right now, although the fact that the only tortoise nearby has been blown up convinces you to eat some non-existent tortoises. You feel full now.

>realise that humans can't breath on the moon

You realize that humans can't breathe on the moon. However, this isn't technically Earth's moon, (wondering why Mongols and the Czech Republic showed up on a planet that wasn't Earth doesn't really occur to you) and you're not technically human, so there's no reason why this should be a problem. Which means you start to gasp for air.

Part 8!

Spoiler :
>bark at the moon

You bark at the moon, despite your self-induced suffocation.

>get barked at by moon

You get barked at by the moon, or at least that's what you think.

>compose the best song ever

You compose the best song ever in history, then pointlessly decide never to play it.

>Command every suicidal person in the world to live.

You command every suicidal person in the world to live. Of course, they can't hear you on the moon. On the other hand, since your suffocation is entirely of your own making, (after all, if there was no oxygen here, how could the dynamite stay lit?) you could technically be considered suicidal, and so you obey your own command and stop suffocating. Your Point Meter goes up by 1.


You explore. After a great deal of effort, you find the moon.

>draw map of moon

You make a crude map of the moon. This consists of drawing a crude picture of the moon and an arrow that says "I AM HERE".


You think, therefore you aren't, having no reason to come to this conclusion. You stop existing. Then you stop thinking. This means there's no reason to believe that you exist, so you exist again.


Exits are invisible planet, south.


You go south. You are in Pittsburgh. Most people would be curious as to how it is that Pittsburgh is south of the moon (especially the moon of an entirely different planet), but not you.


You explode with anger over nothing at all. Nobody seems to notice.

>Become an All-American Hero

You attempt to become an All-American Hero by thwarting the supervillain attacking Pittsburgh. However, it turns out that pointlessness isn't really a match for super-strength. He throws you all the way to the moon, which is to say, north.

>moonwalk back into Pittsburgh

You moonwalk south, returning to Pittsburgh.

>Pittsburghwalk back to the moon

You Pittsburghwalk north (not that you know what that is, but that never stops you), returning to the moon.

>Mars, the Bringer of War

Mars is not a valid exit from your current location, so of course you attempt to go there anyways. You fail and wind up back where you were.

>Jupiter, the Bringer of Jollity.

Jupiter is not a valid exit from your current location, so of course you attempt to go there anyways. You fail and wind up in Pittsburgh.

>go to moon

You go north to the moon.

>cause moonquake

You attempt to cause a moonquake by grabbing the ground with your hands and shaking it. This doesn't seem very effective, though you hear a loud noise in the direction of Pittsburgh.


You scream for no apparent reason.

>revive friend from the dead and give her a big hug

You can't recall making any friends ever - it seems pointlessness doesn't help you win people over. So you don't have any dead friends to revive... which, naturally, doesn't stop you from making the attempt, especially as you have no means of revival anyways. With the methods you don't have, you revive a friend who doesn't exist and give her a big hug.

>moonroll to invisible planet

You roll to the invisible planet. You land near... well, you can't tell. Somehow the entire planet has been made invisible.

>magnificient fist shaking

You shake your fist for no reason.

>grab everything

You grab everything in sight... which, since it's all invisible, is nothing.

>Get the smartest person ever to finish all of your schoolwork until PhD year without getting caught doing so.

You attempt to persuade the smartest person in the world to do all the work involved in getting you a PhD in pointlessness, but you can't see anyone to ask.

>Convince all the suicidal people in the world to live and to improve their lives, then help depressed people everywhere improve their lives.

You send a message to every suicidal person in the world describing all the pointless things you do, in order to convince them that their lives can't possibly be as pointless as yours, and you're still alive. Your antics bring hope to all the depressed people of the world (although you can't see them), so there are no more depressed people whose lives you can improve. So that's what you do.

>make a point in an argument

You start an argument with yourself, and make a point in it. Your Point Meter reacts momentarily, but decides your point is actually pointless and stays where it is.


You breakdance, having no reason to do so. While dancing around the invisible landscape, you stumble on something and break it. The planet becomes visible again. You must have broken the planet's invisibility switch.

>Circumnavigate the planet.

You circumnavigate the planet. Your explorations reveal that this is, in fact, a different planet than the one you left the temple and the amulet on. You decide to continue your quest for the amulet here, because there's no way you'll find it.

>claim planet of my property

You claim this planet in your own name. You have no interest in ruling a planet, after all.

>find natives

You find the planet's natives. It seems they were constantly bumping into the invisible landscape, and couldn't even see each other. They welcome you as a hero for shutting off the invisibility switch.

>tell them to go nuts

The natives are confused by your request. In the end, they decide to bring you a handful of walnuts. You put them in your pocket.

>Eat chocolate.

You eat chocolate that isn't there. This is especially pointless because there's already chocolate right next to you.

>Build a teleporter

You build a teleporter out of wood, leaves, bark, dirt, stones, grass, dead insects, and the perfectly functioning teleporter that the planet's natives built just before the planetary invisibility device. It doesn't function so perfectly now that you've shoved leaves and dirt in its circuitry, of course.

>Go back to Earth

You've never been to Earth, so you can't go "back" there. On the other hand, you're currently being treated as a hero (they apparently don't care what you've done to their teleporter), and you have no idea what sort of unpleasant things could be on this "Earth" place, so it's pointless to go there, especially with the potential dangers you've introduced into the teleporter. You set the teleporter to Earth and step inside. After a lot of smoke and sparks fly out of the machine, you wind up being teleported back to the original site of the temple.

>Make amazing music

You make amazing music, which nobody is around to hear. You also forget it and don't write it down.

>Convince all the anime companies in all countries to allow all SRW games to be translated

It turns out there aren't any anime companies on this planet, so this task is very trivial. This also means you go to great lengths to achieve it. For one thing, you start up several anime companies, then start a company to make Super Robot Wars, then implement copyright laws in several countries (you even *found* a few extra countries to be sure) to make it difficult to release Super Robot Wars, then cut all ties with all involved companies and governments and then try to get them to listen to you. Eventually, they do, and after all that work, you can buy Super Robot Wars games in every game store on the planet. Too bad you bought every game store franchise and closed them down for no reason.

>Make a perfect, invincible, perfectly obedient, perfectly practical translator robot in one day who can simulate fitting voice acting perfectly in all languages

You create the robot. You think it would make a lovely paperweight, especially as you don't have any paper.

>Have the robot translate all SRW games into all languages perfectly in a span of a week

Since the game companies already translated the games (actually, they didn't need to, since this planet only has one language and even primitive tribes with no contact with civilization speak it perfectly), it's pointless to have your robot do it, so you do. It then runs afoul of virtually every copyright regulation you put in place just to make things pointlessly difficult for yourself. The robot is prosecuted in every nation. You get off scot free, despite your efforts to get the robot to implicate you.

>Become awesome at everything

You train to become awesome at absolutely everything. You then apply all the awesomeness solely into doing pointless things.

>wall of text

You go to the nearby wall made entirely out of textbooks.

>Get a PhD

You look for a PhD under the wall of textbooks. You don't find it, but your search collapses the wall.

>beat head against brick wall

There isn't a brick wall here, only a wall of textbooks. So you build a brick wall out of nonexistent bricks, then hit your head against it until it collapses.

>rebuild brick wall

You rebuild the nonexistent brick wall.


You become Nopor Puss wearing a tutu. Which you already were.

>Equip cardboard box.

You hide under a non-existent cardboard box.

>sneak oil rig

You sneak onto a non-existent oil rig. A non-existent guard sees right through your non-existent box, and you are thrown into a non-existent cell.

I think I'll have the rest posted later today.

There's no reason for this | Or this | Death is inevitable | You can't challenge fate | The smallest change
I'm serious | It makes perfect sense | Easy as ABC! | I can't even explain it
I suck | I rule | I've got it made | Really, I'm serious | This bugs me | It's all lies | I want to believe
05-19-2009 02:21 AM
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Dragon Fogel
 Re: An extremely wacky offsite text adventure.
Post: #3
The Goddamn Pacman

Posts: 7,562
Joined: Jul 2011
Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

Part 9!

Spoiler :
>fear roomate

You fear your nonexistent roommate.


You cry.

>become the prison's bitch

You become the nonexistent prison's female dog. You run around in circles and bark. You get so caught up with being a female dog that you forget to continue imagining the nonexistent oil rig and fall into the water.


You attempt to drown yourself. You fall unconscious, and then wake up to discover that you're outside the temple. You have no idea how you got here, and since finding out how might help you return here later, you decide not to investigate.

>kick temple

You kick the temple. This has no effect except to hurt your foot. Success!

>get kicked by temple

You wait for the temple to kick you. This doesn't seem to happen, so you kick the temple again to get it to retaliate. You hurt your foot some more.

>look around

You look around. You see a wide array of extremely useful items, and a small, thoroughly insignificant and utterly useless screw.

>take array of extremely useful items

You take the large array of extremely useful items, making a mental note not to use any of them for their intended purpose, so they'll only weigh you down.

>use array of extremely useful items to make a large replica of small, thoroughly insignficant and utterly useless screw

You construct an elaborate replica of the screw out of the extremely useful items. It's a very well-done replica. In fact, nobody would be able to tell the difference between it and the original screw if not for the fact that it's several thousand times the size, and also clearly made from a large array of extremely useful items, and only vaguely shaped like the screw. Come to think of it, just about anybody would be able to tell the difference.

>use large replica of small, thoroughly insignficant and utterly useless screw on small, thoroughly insignficant and utterly useless screw

You carefully take the screw and put the ridiculously large replica in its place. Apparently this is a plan to disarm a trap triggered by removing the screw, but since there is no such trap, the whole effort was pointlessly complicated. Which means it was a complete success!


You attempt to program a command onto the screw. It doesn't work very well. Just as you intended!

>turn on robot detector

You turn on a robot detector which happens to be in the large screw sculpture. It says "NO ROBOTS DECTECTED IN AREA".

>destroy all robots

You destroy all the robots which aren't there. This takes you a while.


You dance.


You continue deciding that you are going to be okay.

>move east

You go east. You are at a fast-food restaurant.

>move west

You go west. You are at the temple.

>move south

You go south. You are at a swamp.

>move north

You go north. You are at the temple.

>move northwest

You go northwest. You are at the base of a tall cliff.

>move southeast

You go southeast. You are at the temple.

>move northeast

You go northeast. You are at a blacksmith's.

>move southwest

You go southwest. You are at the temple.


You are now moving as fast as Pac-Man.


You demonstrate Pac-Man's moves to yourself again.


You attempt to show yourself Pac-Man's moose. This doesn't work very well, which makes the whole effort pointless. Excellent!


You have no idea who Billie Jean is, but you decide that he, she, or it is not your lover.

>Generate random video game name.

The name "Android Goth Extravaganza" pops into your head for no particular reason.

>Scene said videogame title

You construct a scene from Android Goth Extravaganza. The scene contains no androids, goths, or extravaganzas, or any combinations thereof.

>eviscerate bunny

There is no bunny to eviscerate. So you eviscerate the bunny that isn't there. You get nonexistent blood all over your tutu.

>play air guitar

You start playing air guitar. If you played an actual guitar the same way, the music would actually be rather good, but of course you'd play differently in that case.

>break air string

You break one of the strings on the air guitar. The damage to something that doesn't actually exist saddens you.

>trash air guitar

You throw away the air guitar. It lands inside the temple, right on the amulet as it turns out. Now you won't be able to get the amulet until the guitar is moved.


(At this point, a user known as Sven makes a rather lengthy and mostly nonsensical post. I couldn't be bothered to do the whole thing line-by-line, so instead, I went with the following response.)

You play with a Yo-Yo, or as you've spontaneously decided to call it, a "Yo-Listen-Up..." (oh, forget it. I'm not going to narrate out that whole thing. I'm not as pointless as you are, and these power pellets won't eat themselves.)

>I remember that. ^_^

You suddenly remember something that you never had any actual knowledge of. The information seems completely useless, so you make a note of it. You now have a note with useless information on it.

(This was actually a response to the ridiculously long post. I treated it as a command anyways, just for fun.)


You attempt to chase Pac-Man's book in French.


You give yourself a green light. Apparently, you were carrying it the whole time, but you can only use it now.


You give yourself a night. It's unclear how you're carrying it.


You decide you're ready to go. So, you have no reason to stay where you are, and that's what you do.


You'd rather not. Your plan is to keep the game at a G-level, but get the ratings board to declare it AO for absolutely no reason.


You fumigate, since there are no bugs in the area. You attempt to do this with the small screw, which is totally ineffective at fumigating. Success!

>Destroy the world.

It's pointless to destroy the world, so you decide to try. Of course, your methods are utterly pointless, so your plan fails completely. You wind up with a T-Shirt that says "I tried to destroy the world and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt" on it.

>investigate seams

You examine the seams of the T-Shirt. They "seam" perfectly normal.

>Fire your gun into the air in frustration.

You fire the gun you don't have into the air. A bird that doesn't exist gets shot and falls down, hitting you on the head. Since there's no bird to inflict the injury, this knocks you out. When you come to, you are hanging upside-down from a tree.


You are on a quest for the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity. You were capable of just taking it, but that wasn't nearly pointless enough, so you made an effort to booby-trap the temple, modified its layout in such a way that it resembled a top and the wind sent it spinning. You also decided to start pretending that the narrator is Pac-Man, and as such any command with a "You" in it now refers to Pac-Man. In addition, you discovered that you have a tendency to wake up somewhere else every time you get knocked out. After a variety of mostly pointless sidetracks, including a lost jungle civilization which you escaped from by observing daylight savings time, an infinitely repeating desert which you escaped from by constructing a rocket out of a velociraptor skeleton, a ridiculously dangerous situation on a volcanic island that you claimed in the name of the Czech Republic, a Mongol camp, and a strange hospital/insane asylum, you found the temple and the amulet again. You then took the amulet, but only to keep it out of your own possession, and then you repeated every action you had done since the beginning of the quest three times. This took you to the moon, where you somehow obtained the tutu that you are now wearing. The moon lead to Pittsburgh and an invisible planet, which you made visible. You were greeted as a hero, then built a teleporter (using a perfectly-functioning teleporter as a component) and attempted to go to Earth, but instead wound up back on your starting planet. You then found your way back to the temple while trying to do something else entirely, but you haven't gone inside yet. And now you are hanging upside-down from a tree just outside the temple.


You capitulate to yourself.

Part 10!

Spoiler :

You jump. Since you are hanging upside-down, this means you fall to the ground headfirst. The impact knocks you unconscious. When you wake up, you are hanging upside-down from the tree again.

>observe fingernails

You observe your fingernails. You think they might be in league with your shadow. They don't seem to be doing anything at the moment, but perhaps they're simply waiting for the right moment to strike...

>Lower yourself off slowly.

You lower yourself off the tree branch slowly, only you're doing this from your perspective, so you effectively just climb up to another branch. Your movements shake the tree enough to knock a strange fruit to the ground.

>Retcon your adventure to include new, unnecessary backstory.

You make up some pointless backstory for yourself. You are now the last son of the lost planet Pointlesson, you were bitten by a radioactive unsharpened pencil (don't ask me how), and you were raised in the wilderness by a tribe of very pointless sloths. The combined pointlessness of these facts had, in the end, no real effect on your desire to be the most pointless being in the universe; you were going to do that anyways.

>become enlightened

You become enlightened. You then ignore everything that being enlightened teaches you, because it might actually be useful.

>I just lost.

You somehow manage to get lost while hanging upside-down from a tree. You end up on a small tropical volcanic island, where a group of islanders spot you and decide to sacrifice you to the volcano.

>knock self out repeatedly until waking near a volcano

You knock yourself out, and wake up immediately to find yourself tied up and about to be thrown into the volcano.

>douse volcano with soda

One of the islanders guarding you is drinking a soda for some reason. You manage to wriggle your hand free, grab the soda, and toss it in the volcano. This has no effect, because it lands in water - actually, this volcano looks rather familiar.

>relight volcano with tacos

You grab some tacos the other guards are eating and throw them in the volcano. You hear sounds that can only be described as the sound of a shark hungrily devouring tacos. The islanders are getting mad at you, but they are interrupted by soldiers from the Czech Republic, who have been instructed to take you back for questioning. The islanders grumble, hand you over, and go back to operating their nuclear power plant. The Czech soldiers start to take you away.

>knock self out repeatedly until waking near the tree

You hit your head on a Czech soldier's helmet. You are knocked out by the attempt, and wake up hanging upside-down from the second tree branch. The Czech soldiers are around the base of the tree, looking at you quizzically.

>turn tree upside down

You somehow manage to turn the tree upside-down. The Czech soldiers cautiously observe you; they seem conflicted between carrying out their orders and, well, getting anywhere near you.

>hang upside down from upside down tree

You hang upside-down from the upside-down tree, which means you are standing right-side up. Since you don't appear to be doing anything at the moment, the Czech soldiers decide to seize you, although they aren't sure exactly how they're going to find transportation from here.

>Dive your battleship.

After some time, the Czech soldiers finally reach a Czech battleship. You quickly steal it (even though you're still tied up) and command it to dive. When the battleship doesn't comply, you command it again. The confused Czech soldiers wonder why you're shouting commands, and you reply, "I've stolen this battleship." This leaves them confused, and they all decide to stay farther away from you.

>Finds "Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty" under the sand that you've dive into.

You dive into the sand that isn't there and hit your head on the battleship floor, knocking yourself out. You wake up in the endless desert (your launch pad is still there) with your head in the sand, holding a Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty. Several confused Czech soldiers are in the desert as well. Also, you somehow aren't tied up now.

>Use thesaurus and change "Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty" into it's antonyms. Deflatable --> Infatable, Cursed Tablet --> Amulet, Modesty --> Pomposity

You grab a thesaurus out of the pocket of one of the Czech soldiers and use the antonyms to turn the Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty into the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity. The soldier asks how the heck you get "Amulet" as the opposite of "Cursed Tablet", and then he pauses and asks how you even got that to work anyways. You reply that you simply deflated it, then it became Inflatable instead of Deflatable. The rest was just calling the deflated version an "amulet" and changing the effect to "Pomposity" from "Modesty". The soldier gives you a funny look.

>gift Czech soldiers with Inflatable Amulet Of Pomposity

You give the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity to the soldier you've been talking to. He gives you another funny look.

>Use Pointless Yell.

You pointlessly yell that you don't have enough power stars filled to use Pointless Yell. All the soldiers give you funny looks now.

>Try to take the "Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity" back to finish the main quest.

The soldier is too busy giving you a funny look to resist any efforts you might make to retake the amulet. That's not nearly pointless enough! Now that there's one right here which you can easily take, it would be far more pointless for you to make your way back to the temple and pick up the other one.


You are carrying: a bag, wet sand, a "reason" which looks like a horseshoe, a Point meter, a large hole, a cell door, a bad sketch of the Masamune in a flask, some oxygen molecules, a used tranquilizer needle, a tutu (which you are currently wearing), some walnuts, a small and insignificant screw, a note with useless information written on it, a green light, and a T-Shirt.

(Mistake: The sketch of the Masamune was already thrown into the ocean. I didn't catch this until later.)


Exits are: infinitely repeating desert, Pittsburgh.

>take inflatable amulet of pomposity from soldier

You can't take the amulet from the soldier now, he's not resisting at all!

>go back to temple, switch inflatable amulet of pomposity with inflatable amulet of pomposity

You decide that it would be even more pointless to go to all the effort of switching one Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity with another, so you take the amulet from the soldier after all. You then work your way back to the temple, making a specific point to forget how you got there. You exchange the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity with the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity.

>return inflatable amulet of pomposity to soldier

You make your way back to the infinite desert somehow, and again, you forget exactly how. You give the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity back to the very confused soldier.

>switch amulet of pomposity with amulet of bombaster

You don't have an Amulet of Bombaster, so you go back to the temple and switch the one you don't have with the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity. Now when you try to take it, you'll have a non-existent Amulet of Bombaster! You'll fool yourself with this one for sure!


Note that you have not won yet, because the amulet you are now carrying is actually the Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty. The win condition requires you to have the one that was in the temple at the beginning of the game. (And even that's not enough, if you're only holding onto it to keep it away from yourself...)

>Use curse tablet to make yourself need the feeling of modesty.

You inflate the Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty and suddenly feel modest, even though there's nothing particularly revealing about your tutu.

>Try to find something to cover yourself completely.

You decide to cover yourself better, so you go back to the desert and somehow switch a soldier's uniform with your tutu. You are now wearing a uniform of the Czech Republic Army. The other soldiers start giving funny looks to the soldier wearing the tutu and aren't paying much attention to you. The soldier in the tutu looks embarrassed.

>educate soldier wearing tutu about the way of the pointless

You teach the soldier wearing a tutu everything you know about pointlessness. He finds the lessons very confusing, especially the one where you teach him how to teach an unwilling pupil everything he knows about pointlessness.

>tell him everything is a lie

You tell the confused soldier that everything is a lie.

>tell him that the previous sentence was the real lie

You tell the even more confused soldier that what you just said was the actual lie.

>deny having ever lied to him

You tell the extremely confused soldier that you have never lied to him.

>deny ever denying ever lying to him

You tell the soldier that you never denied lying to him as he runs around in circles clucking like a chicken. You appear to have driven him insane. The other soldiers try to stay away from both of you.

>tell the robot to kill

You shout a command to your translator robot to kill, but it can't hear you because the courthouse is nowhere near you. The soldiers look confused, and the clucking soldier in a tutu wanders off to Pittsburgh, still clucking.

>tell the robot to love

You shout a command to your translator robot to love. It still can't hear you. The soldiers appear to have decided to follow their tutu-wearing comrade to Pittsburgh in the meantime.

>Convert the soldiers into kitties with magical abilities.

You head to Pittsburgh to attempt to convert the soldiers into magical kitties, but the super-strong villain attacking Pittsburgh throws you north to the moon before you can even make the inevitably unsuccessful attempt.

>tell Sven he's awesome

You run south back to Pittsburgh and tell Sven the super-strong villain that he's awesome. It seems that this was all he wanted to hear, so he stops terrorizing Pittsburgh and leaves for Canada. The clucking soldier in a tutu follows him. You can now go to Canada from Pittsburgh.

(This is referring to the same Sven I mentioned in an earlier author commentary.)

>who would ever want to go to canda?

You ask "Who would ever want to go to Canada?" It turns out that the answer is "the entire population of Pittsburgh and the Czech Army", as a stampede rushes past you to the exit to Canada.

>go to courthouse

You go to a courthouse in Pittsburgh. Amazingly enough, one of the lawsuits against your translator robot is happening here. This appears to be the only building in the city with anyone left in it.

>tell the robot to kill

You tell your translator robot to kill. It responds by printing out a translation of the verbs meaning "to kill" in 800 languages. You take the printout. The judge tells you to leave before he holds you in contempt of court.

>Theorycraft AW.

You start theorycrafting AW, which stands for "Automatic Werewolf" as far as you know. It turns out that everyone in the court is very big on "Automatic Werewolf", whatever that is, and you somehow win the ensuing argument even though you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. As a result, your translator robot wins the lawsuit and can legally begin translating Super Robot Wars games for sale in Pittsburgh, which it does immediately.

(AW actually stands for "Advance Wars", in case you haven't figured that out from my previous notes.)


You leave the courthouse and go to Canada. When you arrive, you discover that you are now in The Amazing Canadian Adventures of Sven-Man: Arrival of the Pointless Master. Apparently, after being told he was awesome, Sven decided to give up villainy and become a hero, and now has his own adventure going on in Canada, and you've become the villain of his adventure somehow. You're pleased by how pointless it is to make you into a villain, since you aren't much of a threat to anybody.


You plan to investigate an igloo. You don't see any, but there's plenty of snow, so you build one. You then investigate the igloo you built, because it's completely pointless to investigate something that you built just a few minutes ago. However, Sven-Man suddenly appears and thwarts your, um, "nefarious plan" to, uh, build an igloo? Well, he smashes the igloo before you can finish investigating it, thereby thwarting you. You thank him, because he just made all your efforts a waste of time. Sven-Man finds this confusing. He calls for his sidekick, the Czech Chicken, who appears, clucks and pecks at the ground. You think the Czech Chicken's tutu looks familiar.

>invent the greatest videogame console ever

While Sven-Man stands around confused and his sidekick goes more insane, you start constructing the greatest video game console ever, using only snow. The system you produce has the best specifications of anything on the market, and would be an instant best-seller as soon as somebody comes up with a format to program games in that it's compatible with, since it doesn't accept cartridges or discs of any known type.

>build several grestest videogame consoles ever

You make more identical video game consoles out of snow.

>build house out of several greatest videogame consoles ever, making sure it's unpowered

You build an oversized igloo with the snow consoles. You make sure the igloo receives no power, then you proceed to investigate it.

>swim across atlantic

Your investigations of the igloo you created reveals you built it in such a way that there is a river passing through it. Having no reason to believe this river hasn't already been discovered and named, you *do* believe it, and so you discover it. You name the river "the Atlantic" for no particular reason and swim across it. It is quite cold.

>dry atlantic

You attempt to dry the Atlantic River by blowing on it. You are unsuccessful, which pleases you.

>drink atlantic

You attempt to drink the Atlantic River. Your head gets frozen in it. It's cold up here. You somehow manage to extricate your head from it, but your head is now encased in an ice cube.

>walk draught Atlantic to Spain

You walk across the Atlantic Riverbed, which you incorrectly assume to be dry, and declare you are in Spain now. Although you're freezing and the ice cube around your head makes it hard for your declarations to be heard.

>find Kanzer

You attempt to find Kanzer. You have no idea who that is, but you decide it's less likely to be Sven-Man than the Czech Chicken. So you pointlessly decide that Sven-Man is Kanzer.

(Kanzer is yet another user posting commands here. Including this one.)

>talk to Kanzer

You attempt to talk to Sven-Man and say "Hi Kanzer!", but he can't hear you too well through the ice cube. Also, he's still very confused.

>achieve eternal enlightenment and bliss

You achieve eternal enlightenment and bliss. Your enlightenment reveals the knowledge of how to talk while your head is frozen in an ice cube. So, naturally, you ignore this knowledge entirely.

Part 11!

Spoiler :
>beat head against Czech Chicken

You attempt to beat your head against the Czech Chicken, but he simply moves out of the way.

>beat head against igloo wall

You beat your head against the igloo wall, knocking out a crucial snow-console and causing the entire igloo to crash down around you.

>beat Czech Chicken against Sven-Man Kanzer

You sort through the pile of snow-consoles and find the Czech Chicken, dazed by the crash, and start beating him against Sven-Man/Kanzer/Whoever. The attack is ineffective, but it causes Sven-Man to snap out of his daze, pick you up, and toss you back to Pittsburgh, where it is warm enough that the ice-cube around your head melts into a pool of water. There is a broken watch in the pool of water.

>take watch

You take the watch.

>fix watch so it always shows the same time

The watch is digital, so setting it to always show the same time would require not just fixing it, but totally altering its programming. This exercise sounds quite pointless to you, so you do it! At the end of all your work, the watch's display reads "86:58" permanently. Or "85:98" if you look at it upside-down.

>wear watch upside-down

You wear the watch upside-down. The time reads 85:98.

>set alarm at 12:62 PM

You set the alarm to 12:62 PM while the watch is upside-down. It is actually set to 29:21, not that it matters, since the timer isn't moving.

>Try using reflexes to get exactly 10 seconds on the stopwatch

You attempt to stop the stopwatch at exactly 10 seconds, but due to your modifications the stopwatch time always reads "00:00:00". Of course, this doesn't stop you from attempting it anyway. Somehow, you succeed - you find that strange, since you were waiting only about one second instead of ten. The watch displays a message that you have now unlocked Space Invaders.

>Try again

You try again, since you can see no reason to do so after already succeeding. You succeed again and nothing happens.

>Try again

You try again and succeed once again. You're really good at this. You hope it's an utterly useless skill.

>Try again

You try yet again and still succeed. The Guinness committee appears out of nowhere (you didn't realize they were based in Pittsburgh) and says you have just broken the world record for successful consecutive attempts at stopping an upside-down stopwatch with digits that don't change at 10 seconds. They take a picture of you and give you a certificate, then walk away.

>Jump backward ten posts, and do whatever.

You place ten posts into the ground, then jump backwards across them and wind up back where you were before you started putting posts into the ground. You then "do whatever", which you decide means picking up all the posts.

>Become Robo-Andy

You decide you are now Robo-Andy. Then you realize that Robo-Andy probably isn't as pointless as Nopor Puss, so you decide to go back to being Nopor Puss again.

(Andy is an Advance Wars character.)

>crumpets wrong forum.

After somebody pointlessly interrupts your text adventure by posting an image (which Pac-Man summarily deleted), you somehow decide that you should take revenge for this action by throwing crumpets at the International Forum on Crumpet-Throwing. However, you get directions to the wrong building and throw the crumpets at the Mongolian Forum on Recapturing the Crazy Pointless Guy. This action of yours leads the forum to decide that yes, they should, so they do. You are now imprisoned in the Mongolian camp again, in the same cell with no door and a big hole in the floor which leads right outside the doorway.

(I'm a mod on the forum I originally posted this, so when somebody posted an image in the thread, I deleted it. He edited his post with the above line, with the "crumpets" coming from the board's censor. I treated as a command just for fun.)

>plant tree in hole

Looking at your inventory, you realize you have some walnuts, which could potentially grow into a tree if planted. Well, that's no good. You'll have to plant something else.

>Take a Pointful Avoidance instead of Pointless Adventure.

Anything with "Pointful" in the name immediately makes you hesitant. Of course, since it's pointless to ignore your hesitation, you decide to pointfully avoid something... and in this case, you pointfully avoid taking a Pointful Avoidance. Your Point Meter budges slightly, then decides to stay where it is. Apparently you've confused it.

>plant hole tree in hole

You plant the hole in your inventory in the hole. It grows into a hole tree almost immediately.

>use hole in hole tree

You take another hole from the hole tree, go inside the hole tree, and use the hole. This takes you back outside the hole tree.

>Cut down hole tree.

You find you are not carrying anything suitable for cutting down the hole tree, so you attempt to do it anyways. You fail, much to your delight.

>bury hole tree into hole

You bury the hole tree into the hole in the ground. It almost immediately grows into a tree that grows hole trees.

>add hole to inventory again

You dig up the original hole and put it back in your inventory. This has no effect on the tree that grows hole trees.

>do a sexy backflip and look like a dolphin while you're doing it

You do a sexy backflip and look like a dolphin while you're doing it. Actually, you can't really tell if you look like a dolphin while you do it. In fact, you have no reason to believe you actually do. So you do believe it!


You decide to "also" do absolutely nothing in addition to your previous action. This is, of course, pointless to declare.


You win a game of poker against yourself. Of course, you also lose, but that's what you get for cheating.


You say "Yeah" for no apparent reason.


You act like money. A Mongol sees you, falls for your act somehow, and reaches out to grab you, but he falls in the hole in front of your cell instead.


You slurp very rudely, even though you have nothing to slurp. This draws the attention of more Mongols, who run in to tell you to stop, but they all fall into the hole.


You attempt to make a shocked expression, but your face is still blank.


There is no dude ranch in the area. In fact, you do not know the locations of any dude ranches at all. So, of course, you attempt to go to one by walking into a random direction... straight into a wall. You are knocked unconscious. When you wake up, you are outside the cell.


You do a poor impersonation of a donkey.

>bury hole tree tree into hole

The hole is back in the cell. Having escaped, there's no reason to return there, so you do. Of course, you pointlessly forgot about the hole in front of the door, so you fall down it. You are surrounded by Mongols now, and they do not seem to want to let you reach the tree or leave the hole.

>pick hole tree tree tree seeds

There is no hole tree tree tree to pick seeds from. So you pick some. Of course, once again your inventory doesn't recognize nonexistent things even if you do. You are still in a hole and surrounded by Mongols.

>become god

You become the God of Pointlessness. But wait, you already were, at least according to those natives! Well, that was pointless to do, then.

>kill mongols with bare hands

You ask if any of the Mongols have bare hands. It turns out they're all wearing gloves, so you don't kill any of them.

>hug tree

You jump out of the hole and hug the tree, much to the Mongols' surprise. They start attempting to jump out after you, without much success.

>eat vegetarian

You shout down the hole and ask if any of the Mongols are vegetarians. None of them are. So you eat an imaginary vegetarian instead. He doesn't taste very good.

>(re-)invent spork

You reinvent the spork. Specifically, you reinvent it to be a jetpack. Then you dismantle it and destroy all your blueprints so it will be pointlessly hard to do again.

>teach the Mongols the true meaning of Christmas

You teach the Mongols the true meaning of Christmas, which leads to a gift exchange. You leave your gift unopened, because it's pointless to do that. You are now carrying an unopened Christmas present. In return, you give the Mongols some ridiculously valuable jewels that you've been carrying around in an obvious place so they could be easily stolen by a pickpocket, and leave the Mongol Camp. Santa's sleigh lands in front of you, and Santa offers you a lift.

>Drink loads of alcohol till you pass out.

You decide to drink alcohol until you pass out. However, neither you nor Santa Claus has any alcohol, making this rather difficult... which only encourages you! You drink alcohol that isn't there until you pass out. You wake up in Santa's workshop with a present on your lap.

>create laptop.

Ignoring the perfectly good components in Santa's workshop, not to mention the already-functioning laptops he has lying around, you go outside and make a laptop out of snow.

>open internet browser of choice

You go back inside, find a laptop that isn't turned on, and pointlessly attempt to open the Internet browser of your choice on it.

>go to wwn

Using the browser on the turned-off laptop, you try to go to the Weekly World News website.

(WWN actually stands for "Wars World News", which is the site I posted this on. A friend of mine who doesn't go there said he keeps thinking of "Weekly World News" when he sees me use the abbreviation, so this joke is a reference to that.)

>create an account

You attempt to open a bank account with the Weekly World News over the internet, using a laptop that isn't turned on. Your pointless attempts at doing so somehow result in your starting an account on some message board called "Wars World News", and the computer being turned on.

>go to "The Pointless Adventure of Nopor Puss!" and post "something"

You find a topic called "The Pointless Adventures of Nopor Puss" detailing your exploits in attempting to get the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity that was in the room you started in. You get ready to post the word "something". Pac-Man seems confused about what to do next, and just posts what he has so far while waiting for your post...

(Yes, we're getting meta now. It took me about two months to figure out a way to handle this part.)

>get confused

You understand everything you have done perfectly, so you get confused for no reason.


You do something. The "something" you do is getting the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity and forgiving all debts to yourself! You have won!

>wait until Dragon Fogel posts on said topic

Pac-Man has posted on the topic, but being confused, you mistake him for Dragon Fogel...

>edit previous post to read "don't do what you said I did"

You edit your previous post...

>don't do what you said I did

Instead of taking the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity and forgiving your debt to yourself, you stop being confused. You have not won after all.

(I like to think of the earlier "win" as an actual ending, but Nopor Puss editing his post after-the-fact leads to the "True Ending". And yes, I registered Nopor Puss there just to do this gag.)

>Dance in place

You decide to dance in place. You realize that the laptop is on your head instead of your lap for no reason, so you put it on your lap and then start dancing in place. The laptop falls to the floor.

>Open dimensional rift

You can't find a dimensional rift to open. Good, then it's pointless to try! But wait, you haven't opened the present you woke up with. You decide to open it to check for a dimensional rift. Instead, you find a set of unsharpened pencil and a sharpener that doesn't work. You put them in your pocket, then attempt to open a nonexistent dimensional rift. You go through it to Pittsburgh, except since the rift doesn't actually exist, you're still in Santa's workshop but you think you're in Pittsburgh for no reason.


You challenge yourself to a game of poker, with the price of the bill for the temple at stake. You intentionally lose, since you have no reason to when the stakes are that high. Your debt to yourself is now either doubled or clear. You haven't worked out which yet.

>invent a new, dangerous, and mostly pointless, record, and achieve said record.

You decide to set the world record for successful consecutive attempts at stopping an upside-down stopwatch with digits that don't change at 10 seconds while hitting yourself very hard with a wooden board. You achieve a record of one attempt. However, you don't get a certificate for it. This pleases you, because it means it's an even more pointless record than you could have hoped.

>Try to invade the board.

You attempt to invade the wooden board you were hitting yourself with. The invasion fails, despite the lack of any opposing forces whatsoever. Thereby making the whole attempt pointless, which is precisely what you wanted!

>reinvent wheel

You reinvent the wheel, because there's no point in doing so. Specifically, you reinvent it as a needlessly dangerous paperweight. You put the reinvented wheel in your inventory, for no other reason than to weigh yourself down.

There's no reason for this | Or this | Death is inevitable | You can't challenge fate | The smallest change
I'm serious | It makes perfect sense | Easy as ABC! | I can't even explain it
I suck | I rule | I've got it made | Really, I'm serious | This bugs me | It's all lies | I want to believe
05-19-2009 02:22 AM
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Dragon Fogel
 Re: An extremely wacky offsite text adventure.
Post: #4
The Goddamn Pacman

Posts: 7,562
Joined: Jul 2011
Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

I actually went over the character limit. I could probably have reorganized the posts to fit everything in three, but I decided to make a fourth post for just the ending to simplify things.

So here's Part 12, the grand finale!

Spoiler :
Ending, Part I


You decide to promptly show up at the courthouse, since there's no reason to after you already won the lawsuit. Of course, you aren't actually in Pittsburgh, so you wind up going around Santa's Workshop to roughly where you think the courthouse is. This turns out to be in front of the laptop.


You decide to take command of the Czech army, who are not at the courthouse you think you're at, and not at Santa's workshop where you actually *are* either. You shout random orders at them. The voice recognition software on the laptop (which you turned on without realizing it while you were confused) attempts to comply with your absurd orders, and as a result starts downloading various programs.


You decide to order the execution of the soldier who acts like a chicken for no reason. You shout this order into the laptop, but its response is to stop the downloads and open up the first program it downloaded... Which is some sort of pointless text based adventure game.

>play pointless text based adventure game

You start playing the pointless text based adventure game. After all, there's no reason to do so when you're in a courthouse in Pittsburgh with no computer in front of you, right? With your pointless mind, you easily stumble upon the right commands to complete the game. Because this is on Santa's computer, something strange happens when you complete the game... A box saying "PLEASE STATE WISH TO GRANT" pops up on the screen.

>become Master of the Universe

For no particular reason, you decide to state a wish to become Master of the Universe. After all, you don't *really* want to be Master of the Universe, and besides, why would any wishes of yours be granted if you're at a courthouse in Pittsburgh?


Suddenly, you are the Master of the Universe. You use your newfound power to make the universe a much more pointless place. For no particular reason, you decide to rule the universe from the beach where your temple used to be, and isn't now. Seeing the ocean nearby, you toss the flask with the bad sketch of the Masamune into it. Except then you remember that you already did that, and Pac-Man apparently forgot about it, so he said you still had it in your inventory. He also forgot that you had wood chips in your inventory. You then realize that *you* must have pointlessly pretended that the wood chips were the flask with the bad sketch of the Masamune, and therefore continue to maintain this pretense, and throw them into the ocean.

After you do this, it occurs to you that it might have been more pointless not to do that after planning to do it for so long, (you have, of course, forgotten that you already did it once and so it was pointless to do it again) but now that you're Master of the Universe, you can easily undo it if you want to. So there's no reason not to undo it if you want to; and since you want to undo it, you don't. The universe's pointlessness increases by 750000% as it attempts to reconcile itself with your incomprehensible backwards logic.

Your Point Meter goes up by 5 points. Either your pointless logic has greatly confused it, it has been affected by the increasing pointlessness of the universe, or throwing the wood chips into the ocean was actually not pointless. You decide that it must have gone up by five points for no reason, which satisfies you. Of course, it probably isn't correct, but you don't bother to think about that.

>Become pointless no more!

Now that the universe is incredibly pointless, it occurs to you that being pointless gives you a massive advantage over every other being and will make it hard for anybody to wrest the Master of the Universe title away from you.

Given that, it would be incredibly pointless to stop being pointless, while leaving the newly pointless universe the same.

So that's what you're going to do!

Ending, Part II

You have a headache. You have this strange feeling that you've done a lot of ridiculously pointless things you don't remember. But that's absurd, you're not pointless at all. It's pointless to think such a thing, so you stop. Also, you have absolutely no reason to believe you are the Master of the Universe, and since it would clearly be pointless to believe such a thing with no reason, you quite pointedly do not believe it.

You also have a face, and always have. And you do not have 200 sticky notes on your face that you yourself put there, because why would you do such a pointless thing? You are quite sure of this, and so it happens. What are you talking about? It was *always* true. You didn't make it happen with Master of the Universe-based reality-altering powers. You hear a beep in your pocket.

Checking your pockets, you find a bag labeled "Crazy Pointless Guy's Items". Now why would someone as non-pointless as you have something like this? You open the bag and examine its contents:

-wet sand

What possible use could you have for this? You toss the wet sand on the beach. You hear another beep. What on earth is that?

-Point Meter

Looking at the bag again, you see something labeled a "Point Meter". It is currently registering 23/100 points, whatever that means. You decide you'll take a look at it later, since you have more obviously pointless things to get rid off.


You don't ride a horse, and you have never done anything as pointless as playing horseshoes for as long as you remember. You don't expect to come across any horses, so you discard the horseshoe in a nearby trashcan, which has very clearly always been here and did not suddenly appear when you wanted there to be one. You hear another beep, and notice that the strange Point Meter has gone up to 24. But you ignore this, as it is obviously pointless to worry about such a thing.

-large hole

Now this is simply ridiculous. This item appears to be a portable hole, but such a thing violates the laws of physics. You must be hallucinating and no such item exists. The large hole which does not exist disappears, clearly because you have stopped hallucinating and not because you have special powers as Master of the Universe, because there is no reason why you would have such powers without remembering them. Why would you even think such a pointless thing? The Point Meter has gone up to 29 with this action, but you are ignoring this most likely pointless item.

-cell door

Likewise, it is impossible that you could fit a cell door larger than the bag into this bag. You must be hallucinating again, and if this cell door even exists, it is clearly blocking the doorway of a cell, perhaps in a Mongol Camp somewhere. The door disappears, for reasons which once again are clearly related to the fact that you are not hallucinating and not any Master of the Universe powers, which you clearly do not possess. You hear another beep as the Point Meter reaches 32.

-oxygen molecules

You appear to have a small bottle labeled "Oxygen molecules" with nothing but air in it. You throw the label away, reasoning you might be able to find something useful to put in it. You hear another beep as the Point Meter reaches 33.


You decide to take a look at the bag itself. You remove the label from it, as you are not a crazy pointless guy and it would only pointlessly confuse people to carry around a bag suggesting you are, but it's always useful to have a bag to put potentially useful items in. You throw the lable (sic) away. The Point Meter reaches 34.

-used tranquilizer needle

You find a used needle marked "Tranquilizer". This is potentially dangerous, and you don't want to simply throw it in the trash. You carefully put it aside, hoping to find something you can cover the needle with to make it safe. The Point Meter is at 37, not that you're paying any attention to it.

-Czech Army Uniform (equipped)

You suddenly notice that you're wearing a uniform of the Czech Army. But you are in no such army! You wonder how you ended up with it. You change into your regular clothes (by the way, you would never wear a tutu, as that would be pointless) and neatly fold up the uniform so you can return it to its rightful owner at some point. The Point Meter is at 40.


You have some walnuts. Well, you like walnuts, and you're feeling a little hungry, so you eat them. You put the shells in the trashcan. The Point Meter you are ignoring is at 42.

-small screw

You have no idea why you're carrying this small screw. It couldn't possibly be useful for anything. You put it in the trashcan. The Point Meter is at 43.

-note with useless information

You find a note with some information that is completely useless on it. You decide to throw it away. The Point Meter is at 44.

-green light

This green light is far too unwieldy to use as a flashlight. But you can leave it here in case you're still on the beach when it gets dark. You set it up in preparation for this purpose. The Point Meter is at 47.

-T-Shirt which says "I tried to destroy the world and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt"

You have no use for this T-Shirt yourself, but perhaps you can sell it to somebody who likes to wear amusing T-Shirts. You fold it up neatly and put it on top of the army uniform. The Point Meter is at 49. You wonder if you should take a look at it to stop that mildly annoying beeping, but you decide that it can wait.

-Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty

You have a strange item that is either the Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty, or the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity... wait, no, it's clearly an amulet. And that strange flash is definitely not your Master of the Universe powers, which you certainly don't have, replacing it with the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity you left behind (you have no recollection of doing such a thing, anyways). This is a useless item, but perhaps someone else will be interested in it. You put it with the T-Shirt and the army uniform. Another beep brings the Point Meter to 51.

-Printout of words meaning "to kill"

You have a printout that is apparently the phrase "to kill" translated into 800 languages, many of which are no longer in use. You can't see why you would want to use this, but you realize that you can cover the tranquilizer needle with all this paper to keep it from hurting somebody. You do so, and after some beeping, note that the Point Meter is at 59. You then discard the needle in the trash, and the Point Meter rapidly rises to 75. You really are starting to get annoyed by all this beeping, but you reason it's not that important to deal with it.

-Certificate stating that you are the world record-holder for successful consecutive attempts at stopping an upside-down stopwatch with digits that don't change at 10 seconds.

You don't recall ever doing this. And it's unlikely somebody else would be named something as silly as "Nopor Puss" (you really should get that legally changed when you're not busy, it sounds rather pointless), so this must be some kind of prank. You throw the paper away. Your Point Meter now reads 76.

You then look at your wrist and see that you are wearing a broken watch. It is set to 85:98? And the alarm is set for 12:62? Wait a minute... this watch is upside-down! Although, 86:58 and 29:21 don't really make any more sense... And if this watch is broken, why can you play Space Invaders on it? Well, you don't have any use for a broken watch, and would never bother playing Space Invaders, so you throw it away. Your Point Meter is now at 77.

-Ten wooden posts.

You could not possibly fit ten wooden posts into your bag. You must be hallucinating again. The only reason you'd be seeing ten wooden posts is if they were set up around the beach... ah, yes, they are. And clearly always have been. You did not just see a flash of light as you subconsciously teleported them, because you are not the Master of the Universe. Your Point Meter is now at 78.

-Set of unsharpened pencils.
-Non-functioning pencil sharpener.

You decide to sharpen a pencil, but you find that the pencil sharpener is broken beyond repair. You throw the sharpener out and hold onto the pencils for possible future use. Your Point Meter is now at 80.

-Reinvented wheel (dangerous paperweight)

You find a strange wheel-like device, which looks rather dangerous. You suddenly get the idea to attach your green light to it. You worry that this might be pointless, but as it turns out, the light fits perfectly into the dangerous part. They must be part of the same machine, which was accidentally broken. This is clearly not caused by any reality-altering powers you possess as Master of the Universe, and it would be silly (not to mention pointless) to believe otherwise. You now have a nice light stand. Your Point Meter is now at 85.

Wait. You quickly search the trash can and take the small screw. You then find a small hole in the device, which the screw fits perfectly into. This, too, clearly has nothing to do with the reality-altering powers you don't have. You carefully screw it in with the screwdriver, which you have always had and did not simply wish into being, and the machine is fixed. You put the screwdriver in your bag. Your Point Meter is now at 87.

-An IOU, stating you owe yourself either nothing, a ridiculous amount of money, or two Inflatable Amulets of Pomposity.

You would never produce such a pointless piece of paper, so you tear it up and throw it away, in case some silly person comes across it and tries to use it against you in a pointless manner. Your Point Meter rises to 92.

Having taken care of that, you look around the beach. There appears to be a ridiculously long ladder made out of sand. And a trail that leads into the sea, and a large impression that looks like a temple once stood there. Now, that's silly. A temple wouldn't be able to move. See? There's the vaguely top-shaped temple right now. (93 points.) Wait, no! A temple would not be top-shaped. See? That looks just like an ordinary temple. (94 points) As for the ridiculously long sand ladder, it was clearly made by some beachgoer who liked to sculpt things and is not the remains of a sand temple. It takes up quite a lot of room on the beach, though. You should probably just brush it back into the beach, so that other beachgoers will have room to make their own sand sculptures. Of course, you would never waste time with such a frivolous and pointless hobby yourself.

You brush the sand ladder away. This takes a while, but you find $5 in coins on the beach during the process. The coins were clearly always there and not brought into being by your thought that there were probably quite a few lost coins over the length of such a ladder. You consider the exercise to have been worthwhile on the whole. The Point Meter apparently does, too, having gone up to 99. It is beeping very loudly. You decide to investigate it.

Now, it is quite clear that this is *not* an object that detects whether your actions serve a purpose, and will explode once it reaches 100 points. And that was created in such a way as to be unaffected by any reality-shifting powers that you possess, not that it matters because you obviously don't. However, all that beeping makes you think you should try to disassemble it, because the noise is bothering you. You take out the screwdriver which you have always had and start to unscrew what is clearly the battery case...

...and just as you do, the Point Meter reaches 100...


Ending, Part III

You awake. You have this strange feeling you've done a lot of non-pointless things and don't remember them. You can't see why you have any reason to believe that, so you do. You also notice a strange cloaked figure in front of you, wearing the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity around its neck. It speaks to you.

"Your pointless antics have infuriated me so much! But at last, all my patience has paid off and I live again, with all my powers!"

You get the feeling that this is important and it would be pointless not to listen to it, so you start humming to yourself. The strange figure continues talking regardless.

"You see, I am the ghost of an ancient wizard. I acquired absolute control over time and space, and would have ruled the universe! But some accursed 'heroes' sealed my powers, and destroyed my body. My restless spirit wandered the universe.

"But! There was a way to regain my powers. A certain amulet. It found its way into your possession, but because of your pointlessness and the fact that it appeared to have no powers, you sealed it away in your temple."

You remember that! Hey, maybe he'll explain more things you already know, in which case it would be pointless to listen. You should pay more attention, just in case.

"But I was able to possess your body. Unfortunately, you have an absurdly strong will for someone so pointless, and so I could only control your body when you were unconscious. And I needed the amulet to be used under the right circumstances.

"The amulet, you see, would transfer the powers of its owner to me. If you had worn it at the start, I would have been returned, but with only your power of pointlessness, I would only do pointless things for all eternity. And I could not even use it while taking control of your body, because this ridiculous "debt" of yours to yourself meant you did not recognize yourself as its true owner. And that meant you weren't. Argh, this is giving me a headache, and I don't even have a physical head.

"But! Finally, all of these pointless actions you undertook lead to you becoming Master of the Universe. And then, you renounced your pointlessness and forgave your nonsensical-yet-interfering debt! You retained your absurdly strong will, but once you fell unconscious, I had the perfect opportunity. Under your delusions that your universe of pointlessness was one that made sense, you even ensured that you had the right amulet and not the false one!"

Wow. You apparently managed to do something really pointless *while not being pointless at all!* You're impressed with yourself.

"And so, I wore the amulet and gained your control over the universe, without any pointless side effects. I lack a physical body, but that would only serve to weaken me now. I am completely unstoppable, and I have you to thank for it!"

You tell the evil wizard-ghost he's welcome as he laughs maniacally.

"No one can stop me! It is pointless to even try!" He laughs maniacally some more.

You agree. It *is* pointless to try to stop an all-powerful evil wizard who can control the universe.

And you tell him that's exactly why you're going to do it.

Ending, Part IV - Finale

>Get yourself in pointless troubles to set up a epic final boss fight, whoc is defeated by using pointless tricks learned on this journey, which means the journey had a point, which means nopor puss has a problem.

(This command was made after I'd already planned to end the adventure with an epic boss battle. I commented in the thread that dragonite, who posted it, had read my mind.)

You reflect on this thought, but you can't really see how to get Pac-Man to do that, since he's not here right now. So you'll have to do that yourself instead. You're also pretty sure "Get Pac-Man's self in pointless troubles" doesn't make grammatical sense, which seems pointless enough to worry about at a time like this that you start worrying about it.

As you do this, the wizard laughs at your defiance.

"You cannot even hope to defeat me! I have no physical body. Only an enchanted weapon could even *harm* me."

Suddenly, a tidal wave hits the beach. The Masamune, or rather a Masamune-like sword that looks just like your bad sketch of it, washes up, with a note attached. Actually, it appears to be made out of chips of wood, strangely enough. The note says, "Here's the enchanted sword, based on your plans and made with the materials you provided. Good luck."

>move your speed

Moving with the speed of Pac-Man, you take the misshapen Masamune. You can't wield it properly, making it a highly impractical weapon even if it *does* happen to be enchanted. So you charge blindly at the wizard with it, still at Pac-Man's speed!

>Like a boss.

Two steps away from the wizard, you suddenly stop and tell him you like him. After all, since he's used you as a pawn in his scheme to conquer the universe, you have no reason to.

As he attempts to wrap his head around your absurd logic, you tell him that it's pointless to attack someone you like. So you hit him with the Masamune. He reels back in pain.

>Pick up phone.

For no reason at all, you decide to mime picking up a phone. Suddenly, a phone appears in your hand! You answer it, hoping it's a telemarketer, because you have no reason to talk to one.

Instead, it's one of your former subjects on the formerly-invisible planet.

"Oh great one, we tried to fix the teleporter you adjusted, but it teleported itself away partway through. We think it's tracking your position. We have no idea what it's going to do when it finds you."

You thank the person on the other end and hang up, forgetting what he said because you have no reason to. The teleporter spontaneously appears. It appears right in the middle of the exploded trashcan, which happens to be near your wheel-light. Wait, since when do you have a wheel-light? You hope there's a pointless story behind that.

>Reverse engineer the universe.

You suddenly decide, in the middle of an epic boss battle, that you should figure out how the universe works so you can create your own. Of course, doing this while an omnipotent evil wizard is flinging spells at you isn't the best idea, which only encourages you.

You decide to start by using this screwdriver you don't remember picking up to take apart the teleporter and figure out how it works. Except, with your pointless ways, you do this by attaching various pieces of trash and the wheel-light to the teleporter.

You construct a crude text display out of the remnants of the Point Meter, and hook up the wheel-light to the controls. The crude text display is currently reading "BEACH OF POINTLESSNESS".

You manage to determine that the wheel, when spun, will move the fight to a random location, and the display on the machine will tell you where it is. You are 100% certain of this, so there's no reason to test the hypothesis by spinning the wheel. So you do!

As you spin the wheel, you think that you'd like to go back to Canada, because you have no reason to.

The wheel stops, and the green light blinks. The teleporter reacts, and you and the wizard disappear, mere fractions of a second before the non-teleportable energy bolts the wizard fired at you were about to hit.

You emerge in what's left of the igloo in Canada. The teleporter's display reads "ATLANTIC RIVER". Sven-Man and the Czech Chicken, as well as the rest of the Czech army, are present. They somehow seem to inherently realize that the wizard is bad news. Sven-Man starts pounding the wizard, which is surprisingly effective; either your Masamune has made him temporarily vulnerable to physical attacks, or Sven-Man has enchanted fists. The Czech army also fires on him, and the Czech Chicken pecks him repeatedly.

>Jump out the window.
>NULL command.

(I was having something of a contest at this point for which command would be the final one. It was supposed to be one command per person, but Kanzer submitted two, one of which was "Jump out the window". Since I didn't really know what to do with the "NULL command" one, I included the additional command in here.)

You consider jumping out the window, especially since you don't even remember if you included windows when you built this igloo out of snow gaming consoles, but Pac-Man has apparently decided that action has been removed. Something about getting a second suggestion from the same person. You don't really understand the reasoning, so you decide you have no reason to go along with it and therefore you do.

As you ponder this, the wizard seems to regain his defenses, and knocks away all his attackers. He then decides to seek you out, since your enchanted weapon seems to be the only threat to him. You'd better hold on to it to pointlessly make yourself a target!

The wizard feels that this is not an ideal battlefield. He floats over to the teleporter and spins the wheel. The green light blinks again, but it turns red this time, and you and the wizard are teleported away.

You emerge over a pit. The teleporter reads "MONGOL CAMP". The teleporter is caught in a tree, the wizard can float, and you fall in the pit with the Mongols. You lose your grip on the Masamune, though, and it bounces off the cell door (didn't you take that? You must have returned it for no reason!) and hits the Wizard. This stuns him and knocks him to the ground.
You retrieve the Masamune to pointlessly make yourself the wizard's prime target again. The Mongols start beating up both you and the wizard. However, he soon recovers and spins the teleporter wheel again. This time, the light blinks green.

When you reappear, the teleporter reads "INSANE ASYLUM". You're in a padded cell with the wizard, and there is nobody who can help you.

The wizard casts spell after spell, and you don't even try to dodge. However, the Masamune seems to automatically protect you. You decide to drop it, because there's no reason to...

As you do, an alarm sounds and one of the asylum robots enters the room. It grabs the Masamune, but just as it does, one of the wizard's energy bolts hits the robot. Apparently the Masamune's protection only extends to you. The robot flies erratically, dropping the Masamune onto the wizard and making him vulnerable again. Then it lands on him. The wizard is trapped under the robot now, and it starts blinking as if it's going to explode. You grab the Masamune now, reasoning that it won't do you any good if the robot explodes and kills the wizard. Then you make sure to stand really close to the explosion.

The wizard slowly whispers his final words...

"Stop... observing... daylight... savings... time."

Suddenly, you are back on the beach with the wizard, just as the teleporter pops in. It seems that he has set time back one hour, which conveniently is right at the start of your battle.

"Fool! Thanks to that trick I learned from you, I can alter time and stop my own death! You'd have to destroy me before I can react, which I doubt you'll manage with your pointless ways."

The wizard laughs.

It's clearly hopeless, so you decide to spin the wheel as the teleporter starts acting up...

>Lose the game.

But you apparently lose the game of "Pick the destination". The light blinks red.

The wizard laughs. "You had one chance, and you waste it! This teleporter sends you where you want to go if you win the spin. If you lose, it sends you where you *least* want to go."

You tell him you're disappointed. Losing the spin means that you'll go to the one place where you have the best chance to win the battle. After all, with your pointlessness, that's where you least want to go...

The teleport concludes. You're in a place with very yellow walls. You can't read the display right now, something is obstructing it.

The wizard doesn't know what you're up to, but he's preparing his ultimate spell. He tells you the Masamune will ensure you'll survive it, but if it were destroyed, nothing could possibly save you.

Hearing this, you snap the Masamune in two. The wizard laughs and blasts you with his ultimate spell, which will utterly wipe you from existence...

But you're okay! You remember that you decided you were going to be okay, so you are now. You stop deciding that, because you have no reason to get rid of the only thing protecting you.

The wizard is confused by his spell's failure, but decides he should at least be able to destroy the broken Masamune, so you can't harm him. He blasts it, and the sword explodes into wood chips...

But there appears to be something else in there. It looks like a large flashing dot. It slowly falls to the floor.

Which, now that you notice, looks a lot like stomach acid. Hey, this place seems familiar...

There's a rumbling. The teleporter moves slightly. The display reads:


And it looks like somebody just fed him a power pellet.

The wizard is immediately destroyed by Pac-Man's newly gained ability to eat ghosts. He is dissolved by the stomach acid before he can use his time-shifting powers to escape.


(This was Kanzer's other command, which I chose as the winning command of the entire adventure. I was already planning to have the battle end inside Pac-Man before he submitted this.)

You decide that it would be pointless to perform a FALCON PUNCH on Pac-Man, especially after he saved you (if unknowingly) from an omnipotent ghost wizard. So, that's what you do. This makes his insides act up.

Pac-Man doesn't feel so good after this, and spits out you, the broken Masamune, and the teleporter. And the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity, which was apparently too strong for Pac-Man's stomach acid.

Pac-Man feels better, and goes on his merry way. You thank him for narrating for you, which only serves to confuse him.

Now that the wizard is destroyed, wearing the amulet will not save the universe from his evil by awakening him with only the power of pointlessness. So there's really no reason to pick it up and wear it. So, that's exactly what you do!

You receive the INFLATABLE AMULET OF POMPOSITY and wear it. The universe is not saved by this action, because you already saved it. You didn't mean to, though. In any case, since you currently are not in debt to yourself, this means you win!

You make your way along a pointlessly difficult path back to your temple. You decide to keep your new amulet in a safe place, since it now has no powers whatsoever. As you open the door leading to the most secure room of the temple, a wave of sea water washes over you. You got pointlessly caught in your own trap! How perfect!

You put the amulet back on the pedestal and leave the room. Now that's made this whole journey extra-pointless! You wonder what pointless thing you'll do tomorrow. Maybe you'll go on a quest for the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity!


And that's the whole thing! Hope you enjoyed it!

There's no reason for this | Or this | Death is inevitable | You can't challenge fate | The smallest change
I'm serious | It makes perfect sense | Easy as ABC! | I can't even explain it
I suck | I rule | I've got it made | Really, I'm serious | This bugs me | It's all lies | I want to believe
05-19-2009 05:55 PM
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