Quick Dirty Bastards: For All The Lovers Out There

Quick Dirty Bastards: For All The Lovers Out There
#1
Quick Dirty Bastards: For All The Lovers Out There
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This description is aptly quick and dirty. This is mostly a tracking thread for my Shadowrun campaign. We're playing on Sunday nights at 7PM central. This message is subject to change as things get more organized.


Players:
[strk]felixsparks: Damien Tanner[/strk]
soundlyParanoid: [strk]Shodan Liberty Bernanke[/strk] OBAMA
[strk]sdgenko: Peter Marshall Twix Abercrombie Peter Marshall[/strk]
Schazer: Harvestine
Chwoka: [strk]Pete November[/strk] Lydia December
Pharmacy: Guy Peterson
Mirdini: Kaz Fujimoto
Sai: Nathan Keats
Godbot: Dr. Angstrom

Sourcebook here

Ever growing piles of fanart: Pile here

Season 1:
Episode 1: Criminal Stupidity
Episode 2: Homecoming at Greenwood High
Episode 3: The Bubble
Episode 4: Pete November Must Die
Episode 5: Quick Dirty Housesitters
Episode 6a: It Was a Dark and Stormy Night
Episode 6b: Murder at the Midnight Cowboy
Episode 7: The Bastards Jump the Shark
Episode 8: Quick Dirty Wacky Racers
Episode 9: Meanwhile in the Ratden
Episode 10a: Shortcut to Mushrooms
Episode 10b: Visions of a Mad Man
Episode 11: We Didn't Start the Fire

Intermission:
Episode 12: Sleepless in Seattle
Episode 13: A Fistful of Nuyen
Episode 14a: Escape from Chicago
Episode 14b: Bug Hunt
Episode 15: 20,000 Leagues Under the Plot

Season 2:
Episode 16: Welcome to Tokyo
Episode 17: Chasing the Dragon
Episode 18: The Perfect Heist
Episode 19: Derail the Derail
Episode 20: Mutiny in the Dragon's Keep
Episode 21a: Revenge
Episode 21b: Agatha Withers Vs. The World
Episode 22: The Bands of Battle
Episode 23: The Parent Trap
Episode 24: Keep Your Friends Close
Episode 25: Ya(Kaz)a Flip
Episode 26a: The Gang's All Here
Episode 26b: The World Ends With Pete

Intermission 2:
Episode 27: Lord of the Fly
Episode 28: French-Brazilian Bastards

Season 3:
Episode 29: Welcome Home
Episode 30: Chemicals
Episode 31: Rolling Stones
Episode 32: Bullshit Internet Magic
Episode 33: From Above
Episode 34: Enter the Twilight Calzone
Episode 35a: A Whole New World
Episode 35b: I need titles
Episode 35c: Seriously guys these titles suck
Episode 35d: A Hyperlink to the Past
(Episode 35d.1)
Episode 35e: The Seven Deadly Sins of Al Gore
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#2
RE: Quick and Dirty: A Shadowrun Campaign
[Image: Peter-Marshall-Face-Resized_zps59886c7f.png]

(Character Sheet)
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#3
RE: Quick and Dirty: A Shadowrun Campaign
Harvestine, the eco-terrorist. Her sheet can be found here.


Her magical tradition is "Non-traditional."
Combat: beast spirits
Detection: fire, aka light spirits
Health: water, aka booze spirits (spirit spirits?)
Illusion: air, aka noise spirits
Manipulation: earth, aka nature spirits

Drain is checked off Intellect, as her magical aptitude is dictated by spur-of-the moment cunning/inspiration/dumb luck rather than a calculated assessment of how to direct magic to best suit the situation (Logic) or intense concentration on a desired end goal (Willpower).

She can hit things and has a grenade launcher.

My contacts:

TNT - my mentor in explosives construction. Friends with (former?) benefits. Stuttery, excitable little shit that you'd love to punch. Loves explosions. Will hell Harvestine out if the opportunity to see more explosions presents itself.

My enemies:

Dad - a tired old codger in some megacorp's middle management. Victim of theft; Harvestine stole a decent sum of his savings when she ran off to join the shadows.

Guy Peterson - Harvestine ran this dude over with her moped on an almost-whim in Session One. She then stole his SIN details, and wired a whole bunch of his money out to fund Pete's loan repayments and several dozen kilos of explosives. Was mugged and had his arm stolen by muggers after Harvestine left him in an alley to recover from spontaneous moped.
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#4
RE: Quick and Dirty: A Shadowrun Campaign
Bashfully humble infiltrator adept (Male):

SpoilerShow
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#5
RE: Quick and Dirty: A Shadowrun Campaign
This campaign is going to have Dire Borg Ghost Wolf Ben Bernanke in it, even if I have to kill him myself.
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#6
RE: Quick and Dirty: A Shadowrun Campaign
[strk]My Contacts:

Pete The Drug Dealer: Other Pete used to be Pete's co-DJ, picked fresh off the streets due to being a lookalike for Pete, which doesn't matter for radio but it starts a conversation. And they had the same first names! Wow! Other Pete was known by Pete's radio fanbase for his firey political rants and book readings. (Some were banned, others were just good.) Then Pete's money problems started catching up with him and he had to let Other Pete go because he couldn't pay him any more.

Lydia The Ex-Roommate: Lydia used to be Pete's roommate until he couldn't pay rent any more.

My Enemies:
[/strk]
Lydia The Newscaster: Different Lydia. I kinda piss her off (though she doesn't know it's me) when I interrupt her show with my pirate radio broadcast. It's old-fashioned terrestial radio and nobody gives a shit but her though, so she can't get her superiors to throw the book of hammers at me. Her rage festers in impotence.
[strk]
My... Frenemies:

The Ghost of Ben Bernanke: We met at college. It was an integrated human/ghost college and he had to go get a degree in finance from an accrediated GHOST college before he could reenter the profession he had in life. Now, I owe him 45,000 Nuyen.[/strk]
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#7
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: Criminal Stupidity
Karma Time!

For successfully retrieving the evidence left at EvoCorp, "erasing" the LoneStar security footage, and Living to Tell About It, Chwoka, Felix, Schazer, and Para receive 2 Karma.

For being in the Right Place at the Right Time, helping others when it's Not Your Fight, and surviving his encounter with the Criminally Stupid, Scott snags 3 Karma.

For Answering the Hero's Call and for choosing Discretion as the Better Part of Valor, Felix earns an additional 2 Karma.

For Heroically Mugging Strangers, Taking the Initiative, and for a Unique Approach to Problem Solving, Schazer rakes in 3 more Karma.

For rolling with GM Puppetry, Finding Mercy in a Rhubarb Pie, and exhibiting the Dire Borg Prowess, Paranoia takes in 3 extra Karma.

For being The Man with the Plan, exhibiting Excellent Motivation, Doing the Legwork, and Keeping Spirits High, Chwoka is granted 4 more Karma.

Aftermath will be posted soon.
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#8
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: Criminal Stupidity
SESSION 1 SUMMARY

PART 1: ghosts exist

"THIS ONE GOES OUT TO ALL YOU LOVERS OUT THERE," says Pete November (Chwoka) as part of his regular pirate radio broadcast duties, before slipping an old Barry White record onto the platter. Suddenly, there's a knocking at his van door! Pete tries to jump in the front seat and hightail it, but can't, because YOU CAN'T JUST DRIVE AWAY FROM ALL YOUR PROBLEMS, PETE. In comes one of Ben Bernanke's hired goons, holding a gun molded to be shaped like a dick. (Ben Bernanke got WEIRD after he died and turned into a ghost.) The goon points out that Pete owes Ben 45,000 nuyen, with interest on top of that. Pete says he'll do anything, and starts sucking some gun dick. This is like two minutes into the campaign. The goon, extricating his dick gun from Pete's mouth, explains that he wants some privacy before he will explain what's going on, which is, incidentally, the Barry White song that is playing. "Oh, sure, sure," says Pete, before leaning into the mic. "This one goes out to all you lovers out there." He puts on some death metal and turns off the mic that has actually been on this whole time.

The goon explains that Ben wants Pete to do a job in exchange for covering this month's interest. Apparently, one of Ben's shadowrunning crews was hired or extorted into doing a little corporate espionage on EvoCorp and, while successful, left evidence behind that could easily be tied back to Ben Bernanke: a dropped drone, and security footage. They are, remarkably, less competent than Pete, a man with no weapons, no useful experience, and no friends. The goon flatters Pete by telling him he's a hard man to find. In order to ensure that Pete does his job instead of saying he will and then driving away, disappearing into the afternoon, Ben has sent an escort. "What, like a prostitute?" asks Pete. No, not like a prostitute at all. More like a babysitter. Enter Shodan (soundlyParanoid), a Dire Borg — more machine than woman, more weapons than you can shake a stick at before being obliterated. She immediately takes a hating to Pete.

The goon leaves, and Pete ends his broadcast with a desperate plea for help from anyone listening. Who's listening? Damien Tanner (FelixSparks) and Lydia Ko (Schazer), aka Harvestine flatmates and presumed lovers. (The presumption couldn't be more wrong.) Damien wants to go help this guy because he thinks it will be interesting. Harvestine has to be dragged along, kicking and grumbling. Meanwhile, Shodan gives Pete an SMG that's never used, in flagrant violation of Chekhov's Gun. The four meet and greet. "So, are you the lovers out there?" is not a well-received greeting. Pete's not in a position to negotiate and so Damien and Harvestine demand undefined payment for services rendered post-hoc. He has to agree.

The crew goes to where Pete's Rad Van is parked and begin to argue about where to go plan the heist. On the back of multiple sarcastic comments Pete makes, everybody in the group literally takes turns punching him in the face. Only Shodan succeeds, and gives Pete a concussion. Eventually, Pete just hops in his van, Harvestine on her moped, and they drive to Pete's trap shack, a house with mostly-plywood walls and a corrugated aluminum door. It's a real shithole. Pete literally has to shit in a hole. Furnishings consist of a non-functioning toilet, a bedroll, a non-functioning refrigerator that breeds new species of spider, and a gigantic collection of antique music. I can't even remember why, but Pete gets punched in the face again, leaving his nose broken. "If we keep this up," says someone, "pretty soon the whole economy will be based on punching Pete in the face."

"Well, at least then my debt would be easier to pay off!" Pete jokes. "I'd just need to let Shodan here punch me in the face 45 thousand times." Shodan punches Pete in the face 45 thousand times and he dies. Reload from last quicksave.

The Quick Dirty Bastards begin to plan. Shodan has 2 janitor-level access cards to the EvoCorp building. Damien calls up his contact, Jamie the Computer Guy, and asks him for info on this EvoCorp place. Jamie asks for payment. Damien says 10,000 nuyens and Pete flips the fuck out because that's more than the whole mission is worth. So Damien lowers the offer to 1,000, which is still absolutely ludicrous, especially considering that the only thing Jamie digs up are the blueprints to the EvoCorp building, which is already public domain. Meanwhile, Harvestine goes out to case the joint out, which proves much more useful. There's a fat security guard guarding the employee parking lot.

"Easy as rhubarb pie," says Harvestine.

"Wait, pie!" says Pete. "That gives me an idea. What if we baked a pie for the security guard, but then didn't give him any silverware? That way, he has to go into the pie face-first. Then, we punch him in the face THROUGH the pie tin!"

"That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard," says Damien, and he's right. Somehow, though, Pete remains the brains of the operation.

The security guard points Harvestine to the visitor's lobby. Harvestine goes there. The receptionists asks why she's there. Harvestine bullshits and says she's there to see "Mr. Schneider," who does not exist. When the receptionist tells Harvestine such, Harvestine says he's from the east branch and leaves. But this small nugget of information forms the crux of the whole plan, which Pete formulates and actually works. Damien, who is good at disguising himself, will dress as a business man and say he's Mr. Schneider, from the east branch. The receptionist won't bother to look it up because the fact that two separate people talked about him is plenty cross-referencing. Shodan will play the part of his bodyguard and get a visitor's pass. Harvestine will check for Mr. Schneider again and be let in with another visitor's pass.

Pete could probably pull the same trick as Harvestine, but that would be too many good ideas for one day, so instead it is decided that all together, we need one more identity. The plan is to frame that person so as to throw the scent off our own trail. So, on her way over, Harvestine commits a hit-and-run on a random pedestrian, whose name is Guy Peterson. Harvestine offers to call an ambulance for him if she gives him all his identifying information and Peterson, dazed and confused, does so. Harvestine quickly looks around for a phone booth so she can call an ambulance untraceably and not connect herself to the crime, but finds none. Harvestine, at this point, has all the information she needs to steal this man's identity, so she decides to drag him into a dark alleyway, steal his arm, and leave him for dead. Then, she goes across the street and tears off another man's ear. Harvestine drives off into the sunset, a real modern cowboy.

Back at Trap Shack HQ, the plan is solidified. It turns out Guy Peterson was an intern at EvoCorp's west branch, so Pete will pretend to be Guy Peterson and go hack the servers under his name to remove the footage. Damien will discretely jam the radio signals that allow the cameras to send footage to monitors and servers. Then, he will go up to the crime scene the previous shadowrun crew left behind and either he or Shodan will palm the evidence. If it is necessary to turn off the lights to accomplish our goals, which is like, contingency plan C, Harvestine will be waiting by the fuse box, ready to hit the lights on any floor needed.

PART 2: Harvestine is not allowed to improvise

THE QUICK DIRTY BASTARDS SPRING INTO ACTION! The entrances, staggered out from Pete's Rad Van, go as smoothly as could possibly be hoped. Damien and Shodan enter and go to the ninth floor, where the crime scene is. Pete is waved through and waits for Harvestine. Harvestine says she's here to see Mr. Schneider again and gets her visitor's pass. The receptionist pages Mr. Schneider to the eighth floor to meet with Harvestine in a conference room, which is really no problem. Pete hits the fifth floor, where the servers are, on the way up. Shodan stays on the ninth floor.

Then, Damien jams the cameras. And the commlinks. Nobody knows what anybody else is doing, or what contingency plan we're on. Pete hacks into the servers and finds out that the footage is actually stored remotely. He goes to the eighth floor to meet with Damien and Harvestine to give them the update, but they're already long-gone, stationed at their posts and enacting their plans. Damien is lying to the 4 policemen investigating the crime scene. He says he saw a kid in a hoodie on the third floor who looked like he might be responsible for the commlink jamming, which has made the police officers suspicious. Two police officers run to the third floor, and two stay up.

Harvestine, however, has decided that without any instruction via commlink, she is allowed to add her own flair to the proceedings. Instead of breaking the locks on the fusebox and flipping the appropriate fuse and escaping before anyone knows it was here, she rigs C4 to the fusebox and — fittingly — puts it on a fuse, which should run out of length by the time the elevator gets her to the eighth floor and lets her out. Chwoka stammers about how this is a terrible idea the whole time it's being set up. When Harvestine reaches the eighth floor and every light, electronic, and elevator goes dead, Chwoka gets the opportunity to chew her out in-character.

"I blew up the fusebox," says Harvestine.

"That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard," says Pete, and he's right.

"Look," says Harvestine, "Nobody's going to suspect you were doing something as innocuous as checking records if you bothered to blow up the building."

"So your plan," says Pete, "is to cover up a smaller crime with a BIGGER CRIME."

"Plus, once the electricity is out, nobody's going to expect a hacker."

"Right," says Pete, "because it is impossible."

"Exactly!" says Harvestine.

"No, I don't think you understand," says Pete, "it is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE to hack if the electricity's out."

Also, the fire alarm is going off everywhere, because there is a fire in the basement and it's spreading.

Meanwhile upstairs, Damien lies more because it worked to get rid of the first two policemen. When the lights go out and the fire alarm goes off, he says he thinks he saw a child in a cubicle over there. The policemen don't buy it for a second. A, why would a child be in the cubicle in Research & Development while it's closed off, B, why would that be relevant in our current situation, C, who the hell is Mr. Schneider and why is he up here? Shodan takes this opportunity to palm the dropped drone they were here to retrieve and high-tail it down the fire escape, leaving Damien with no backup.

Damien has got to be, like, the last one down the fire escape because he spent so much time on his terrible lie. (Don't worry if I paint everyone in a negative light, they redeem themselves during the car chase.) He's got two police officers in hot pursuit, and by hot I mean sexy, and on the way down he bumps into the police officers who went down to the third floor. These guys don't know he's on the wrong side of the law yet, they assume he's running due to fire, but they take off running downstairs immediately behind him all the time, which makes it LOOK like he's being chased by the police.

Meanwhile, the rest of the Quick Dirty Bastards wait in Pete's Rad Van. "Where the hell is Damien?" says Pete. "If he comes out of those doors and it even LOOKS like he's being chased by police officers, we're closing the doors and driving off without him."

Damien comes out of those doors, but it doesn't LOOK like he's being chased by police officers because Harvestine fires a smoke grenade at the front door as soon as she can see him, and now nobody can see anything. The Quick Dirty Bastards escape in style and smoke inhalation to Trap Shack HQ.

PART 3: McCoffee

THE FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS IS FIGURING OUT WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED. The most important piece of information is that the security footage is stored remotely at a Lone Star branch. Pete, the brains of the operation, if only because he can't possibly be the brawn or the good looks, gets on the legwork.

He finds out a ton about Lone Star HQ with a simple data search, and he didn't have to pay 1,000 nuyen for it. There's two rooms on floors 4 and 5 that certainly fit the profile of a server room even if they are marked "classified." There's a dude on the 6th floor who, just this morning, threw himself out of a window — which is still open. At night, there's practically no human security guards, just drones. There's an armory hidden behind the cafe — okay, sidenote, there's a Lone Star Cafe, and it's a separate brand entity from the Lone Star Security Force. A long time ago, they realized there was a brand conflict but they settled out-of-court with an agreement that Lone Star Security Forces would have a Lone Star Cafe in every Lone Star Security Forces building. Okay, so in this particular place, there's an armory hidden out behind the cafe, but no ground-level doors, so you'd have to blow a hole in the wall to get in. I think Pete points this out just to get Shodan and Harvestine's attention.

Pretty much immediately, we have like 4 plans and over half of them are jokes, but the Quick Dirty Bastards don't really care. Plan A is that Pete is going to go into the Lone Star Cafe, get a McCoffee with Guy Peterson's money, and sip it while he hacks the servers with Peterson's commlink. Plan B is that Damien is going to turn invisible because that's possible, climb in through the 6th floor and try to find information that could help Pete do a better job hacking, like, passwords and shit. Plan C is that Harvestine fights her way to the servers, presumably down from the window entrance, but Pete didn't bother to make that clear, so she assumes that it's UP from the GROUND FLOOR, and then BLOW UP ALL THE SERVERS. Plan D, which is the least real of all the plans, is that Shodan is going to try and land a job interview at the Lone Star Cafe.

The Quick Dirty Bastards realize their own limits, of course, and need extensive prep time. They split up to pursue their own interests. Damien learns to climb real good. Pete cracks open a big book labelled "HACKING FOR DUMMIES, 2071 EDITION." It's kinda weird that they still print those things in paperback, actually.

Shodan decides she can't possibly apply to a day job under her own name and goes to a retirement community to pull a Harvestine and steal an identity. Why can't she use the spare ear Harvestine grabbed? It's not the right gender. Briefly, Shodan pauses to consider the murder she is about to commit. Does she want to kill a defenseless old lady at random, in her own home, so she can get a terrible minimum-wage job with their identity? Paranoid rolls for morality and comes up bankrupt. So Shodan kicks down a random door, and is greeted with a "hello, sweetie" from Agatha Winters, sweetest old lady ever. "Would you like a pie?" Shodan WOULD like a pie. Agatha gives Shodan a delicious rhubarb pie. Shodan decides that the pie tastes better than Agatha's identity ever could and leaves, resolving to come visit again some time. Besides, Rickie James could totally be a girl's name.

Harvestine visits her ex-lover TNT and really uncomfortable flirting ensues. At the core of that exchange, though, is that TNT could totally make explosives enough to take out two floors of the Lone Star building with a bit left over if he had the money to do so with. Harvestine has a flash of inspiration and calls Pete up. Does he still have that arm with the commlink in it? Yeah, he does. He can use that to access Guy Peterson's bank account and we can spend all that money on explosives. Great. Pete accesses Peterson's bank account and finds 5,000 nuyen, just sitting in there. That's crazy, that's more than the job he is doing right now pays him.

...

Yeah, Pete tells Harvestine the bank account is bone-dry, then calls his loan shark Ken Johnson to transfer funds direct from Guy Peterson's account and pay off his debt. When Damien and Shodan immediately call Harvestine to tell her Pete's a liar, it's only then Pete caves and sends Harvestine Peterson's credit cards, which she maxes out on explosives and Pete is going to count as payment for the job.

Wait, let's back up a bit. Harvestine just bought 20,000 NUYENS WORTH OF VOLATILE EXPLOSIVES.

It's now like, midnight. Plans A and D begin concurrently. The codeword for starting Plans B and C is "rhubarb." Despite his extensive cramming, Pete is unable to hack into the servers from the cafe. He is barely able to extricate himself from the situation without being caught, and opts not to try again because it's too risky. What a fucking wuss. So, instead of risking absolutely anything at all, Pete exclaims "This coffee tastes like rhubarb!" as he leaves the cafe, very inconspicuous. He spends quite a while just waiting in the van while Chwoka doesn't pay attention to what happens.

Plan B begins. Damien scales the building successfully and sees the suicide note and on open email on the suicidal guy's computer. Turns out he was being extorted by some schmuck named Peter Marshall (sdegenko).

Meanwhile, Plan D is going swimmingly. Shodan is KILLING the interview portion and her falsified resume is sterling. Turns out Agatha Winters is world-famous for her pies and studying under her tutelage almost makes Shodan OVER-qualified. The interviewer watches, really admires, actually, as Shodan bakes a rhubarb pie. It looks good. The interviewer puts it to his nose. It smells good. He grabs a fork, puts a bite in his mouth...

KA-BOOOOOOM! Plan C is underway and all the entryways on the ground floor have just exploded. "That pie's got a hell of a kick!" says the interviewer. Harvestine runs in, oneshots a drone, and goes up several more flights of stairs before she finds another drone, which takes a kilo of explosive to the face after a flashbang grenade proves substandard. She finds one of the server rooms and rigs it with all the explosives she has, because TNT would never give her another centimeter of fuse rope if she didn't.

Another security drone hovers up, but then Damien pipes in over the commlink. "Hey, I found security central control. I turned off all the drones and cameras. Also, I found the admin password for the servers." Of course, Pete is a bit... busy to take advantage of this information, but we're going to have to double-back to catch that plotline as it dovetails. "Also, reinforcements are arriving in like, one minute, and there's nothing I can do about that, so we should get out of here." Harvestine sets the fuse for 90 seconds and makes her escape. We're QUICK dirty bastards, okay?

Okay, so meanwhile Pete's just chilling in his van when Peter Marshall walks up, sniper rifle in hand. "Hey, if you're here to shoot that guy on the 6th floor, he committed suicide this morning," is how Pete decides to initiate conversation. They make small talk, really hit it off. It's nice for Pete to know somebody who won't punch him in the face. Pete introduces Peter to his radio equipment. They turn the mic on and don't turn it off, this is important. The only social misstep is when Pete calls Ben Bernanke his "frenemy," which has never failed to make anyone listening cringe. Peter gives Pete some of his red mescaline, which is a great idea for a getaway driver, let me tell you. Shodan comes out, positively GLOWING from her successful job interview, and calls Pete the fuck OUT on his complete failure to do anything that could possibly be interpreted as helping with his own damn mission.

So, Pete and Peter go to try and help. Pete tries to climb the wall up to the 6th story, but because he's high and not too good at climbing anyway, he just ends up frantically humping the wall. It's still enough to rouse the suspicion of The Only Security Guard, who comes to investigate with his stun stick. Pete successfully dodges, while still maintaining his idiotic appearance by attempting to actually grab the stun stick and missing. Then the drugs REALLY kick in. The guard's got caterpillars for eyes and a delicious-looking fish in his hands. But Pete's not going to go after that fish with his bare mouth, he's going to grab some silverware. All he finds is a potato and a walrus. Luckily, Peter saves his ass with by tasing the guard from behind.

"Also, reinforcements are arriving in like, one minute, and there's nothing I can do about that, so we should get out of here," says Damien.

"WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE," says Pete, and then they do. Harvestine jumps on her moped, and everyone else piles into Pete's Rad Van. Pete throws his snake-arms around the steering wheel and we're off to the races.

PART 4: Don't bring an armored van to a grenade fight

THE PLAN? DITCH HARVESTINE. Harvestine's the only one who the two reinforcements, who arrive in armored vans, could connect to the crime. Harvestine is a liability and Pete is a mercenary asshole. Pete's Rad Van slips out unnoticed. The fatal flaw is that Harvestine apparently thinks we are a team and opts to follow us, and now we're in a car chase.

"Hey guys, shouldn't we go back for Harvestine?" says Damien. Out of sheer distaste for positive emotion, Pete orders Shodan throw Damien out the back of the van AT Harvestine, without a single word of explanation. Whatever happens from there is a positive outcome for Pete. What ends up happening is actually that Damien fucking STICKS THE LANDING onto the bike in sitting position, without Harvestine significantly altering her course or slowing down, and quickly switches to driving while Harvestine mans the grenade launcher. Or should I say... WO-mans the grenade launcher? (The women in this campaign are consistently awesome is what I am saying.) Harvestine launches ONE grenade under the first armored van and turns it into a burned-out husk. Harvestine's no longer a liability, now she's an asset.

Shodan gets to work on the second van with a grenade launcher of her own after Peter gets to snipe the dude in the passenger seat manning the gun cold in the face. Paranoia proceeds to have the luckiest dice in the whole world and for this whole section rolls nothing but 5s and 6s. So, Shodan fires like 9 grenades, rapid-fire, right into the gaping maw of a windshield. The driver's going down in flames, screaming "WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE GRENADE LAUNCHERS," when Shodan finally gets that perfect shot. The grenade goes right into his big dumb screaming mouth and his head blows up.

Pete opens the back doors of the van again, to let Harvestine in, Knight Rider style. To facilitate this, he ALSO pops a fucking wheelie, in a VAN.

Peter says, "hey, I think I hear something coming!"

Pete says, derisively, "YOU'RE HIGH!"

Then, like 200 bullets rain down from above on Pete's Rad Van. This little moment of irony has GOT to be amongst the highlights of the night for the people listening to Pete's radio station. Also amongst the highlights: when Pete's gearshift turned into a dick gun before his very eyes (his very high eyes) and he resolved to just stay in 5th gear from now on.

There's an attack helicopter coming after us now, or a Hella Lobster if you took mescaline earlier, and the pilots are piping in "Flight of the Bumblebees" through their external speakers because they know exactly what they are a part of here. Pete, high on adrenaline and red mescaline, decides to attempt a backflip off a pile of trash. All he ends up doing is a barrel roll, which is still really cool, but it's not what he was aiming for. The Hella Lobster pilot is fucking awestruck and switches over to the Dukes of Hazzard theme song, which is crazy future-anachronistic but who GIVES a shit. Then everybody takes their turn firing fireballs, sniping, and launching grenades at the Hella Lobster from the surprisingly well-armored comfort of Pete's Rad Van.

Pete swerves off to the sidewalk, ramps off a homeless person, and does a FULL BACKFLIP while the machine gun fire from inside the van explodes the helicopter. The pilot's arm is immolated into a thumbs-up position, forever certifying Pete's van as truly rad.

Pete calls Ken and tells him the contract's been fulfilled in the coolest way he can. TNT, who we abandoned at a tall building next to the Lone Star branch, was filming the whole thing from the time the server rooms exploded to the end of it. It's going to get synced up with the audio from inside the van and go viral.

"You guys are pretty chill," says Peter.
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#9
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: Criminal Stupidity
SpoilerShow
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#10
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: Criminal Stupidity
If you'd like to see us play a game of Obama's America run live for your enjoyment, we'll start streaming the Skype call at 5 PM Pacific time, 7 Central, 8 Eastern. (that's in like 12 minutes.) Get on IRC in #QuickDirty on esper.net to participate in dicussionado.
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#11
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: Like Cats to a Flame
SESSION ONE AFTERMATH

“…and the weather will continue to be warm and wet for the rest of the week. Back to you, Lydia.”

“Thanks Chris. Lonestar Security has just released an official announcement that they are redoubling their manned security presence in the wake of last night’s terrorist attack on their data storage facility. We have yet to hear if this new policy will affect the lawsuit recently filed against them by client Evocorp. Evocorp claims a vote of no confidence in Lonestar after their third consecutive security failure last night. PR officials report that while nothing was stolen from either their regional office or their shipping trucks, armed criminals still went virtually unimpeded on every occurrence. Evocorp has put out an additional bounty for a man going by Mr. Schnider or either of his metahuman accomplices. Any information that can bring these suspects in for questioning will be rewarded.

“As Lonestar is cleaning the streets of its ruined security forces, the streets of inner city Seattle seem to be cleaning themselves as the previous wargrounds of the Chromes and the Crones has suddenly gone silent. Police officials report that *-tzkzzz-*

THIS ONE GOES OUT TO ALL YOU LOVERS OUT THERE


Shodan receives: one(1) job offer as a Lonestar Café barista; one(1)MCT Fly-Spy

Harvestine receives: one(1) cyberarm, freshly harvested; two(2) pedestrian commlinks with ID; one(1) TNT-style explosion montage

Pete receives: one(1) vehicle armor plating r3; one(1) babysitter direborg; one(1) wicked drug trip; one(1) loaned SMG; one(1) low lifestyle roommate

Damien receives: one(1) incriminating blackmail evidence; one(1)additional bounty

Peter receives: four(4) new friends


Session Two aftermath will be posted after the session rewrite.
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#12
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: Criminal Stupidity
SESSION 2 SUMMARY

PART 1: Heard it through the Mescaline

THE QUICK DIRTY BASTARDS ARE DESPERATE FOR FUNDS, and for some reason they mob the most destitute member of the team, Pete November, for a solution to their problems. Damien Tanner is already searching through Pete's piles of figurative and probably-literal crap, under the mistaken belief that this is where shadowrun missions and their associated paychecks come from. Shodan is grilling Pete's ass on her employer, Ben Bernanke's behalf, for him to contribute even more of his practically-nonexistent earnings to the crippling debt the ghost hangs over him.

Peter Marshall prevents a fight breaking out by recalling an event that actually happened, namely, his dealer mentioning a potential job in a phonecall earlier today. Damien flicks Harvestine, his flatmate, a text for her to join them at supplied coordinates, for a job to the tune of 5,000 Nuyen. Each.

The employer is Magus Margery, leader of the mage gang the Crones. Her gang agreed on an alliance with a gang of cyberneticists and dire borgs, the Chromes, and the two groups intend to celebrate with a boxing tournament on Crone turf. The rise of splinter factions which oppose the alliance have raised the possibility of sabotage, and she's hired the Quick Dirty Bastards as guards and investigators to nip any unrest in the bud.

The four Bastards pile into Pete's Rad Van, and head to the school grounds which are the Crones' base of operations. Situated atop a powerful leyline, the Crones' base is a veritable Garden of Eden (by 2075 standards, anyway). Sure, the science lab is a swamp and the ecosystem wouldn't last a second in Seattle's choking atmosphere without the ambient magic to power the spellwork, but it's a nice touch.

Upon arrival, Damien promptly forgets they're supposed to be on guard duty and signs up for the boxing tournament. Some Chrome thugs laugh and tell him to prove he's worth a challenge, to which Damien punches clean through a wall. Bookie the Bookkeeper was apparently sequestered behind there, and is now in no position to run the gambling operations expected at a bout like this. Who will step up to the plate?

Not Pete, because he totally missed that plot hook. He makes up for it by being the only guy actually doing guard duty, as Shodan and Peter decide to head off and investigate a certain Redeker, leader of a splinter Chrome faction.

Harvestine finally checks her messages after a long morning mugging strangers and taking any teeth with cybernetics worth selling on. The 5,000 Nuyen reward proves tempting, and she makes tracks on her moped to the school.


PART 2: The Demolition Man and the Guy with no clue

HARVESTINE ARRIVES TO A TRULY WONDROUS SIGHT: an entire city block, completely overrun by nature! It's beautiful! Her inner wolf howls at the majesty! She promptly forgets she had a job to do, and gets to finding out how she can learn to bring some greenery to other parts of the city. The guards direct her to the science lab, but the auditorium beckons.

Within, Damien is already in his first match against a Dire Borg known as Terminator B. Damien's gone with The Demolition Man, a title Harvestine does not approve of when she's the resident demolitions expert. Her teeth-grinding is interrupted by the sight of Pete getting in amongst what looks to be schoolyard-level bullying of some frail little shrimp. Harvestine can't be sure she doesn't recognise him, but Pete's attempts to intimidate the bullies into leaving are so laughable she's gotta get in on the action. She throws a dude into a wall and tells the rest to find something better to do with their time, then attempts to brain an approaching Damien with her grenade launcher. Damien avoids it, Pete tries to persuade them again with an appeal to empathy along the lines of "how would you like it if someone was treating you this way", which for some ludicrous reason actually gets through to them.

The hapless victim is none other than Guy Peterson (Pharmacy), the formerly cyber-armed former Evocorp intern who Harvestine ran over with a moped. The Quick Dirty Bastards' casual use of his SIN got him in a heap of trouble, got him fired, and left him with nowhere to turn but a life of crime. So far, he's got no idea what he's doing. Damien offers to take him to a Crone healer or somesuch to patch him up. Guy starts making garbled staticky noises in lieu of real words, which was definitely not Pharmacy's microphone dying on the call. The healer diagnoses it as a possession, and orders 1000 ccs of anaesthetic like it's a regular occurrence round these parts.

Harvestine is bored to tears by this display of compassion, so she tries to get a better idea of where useful features of the auditorium are. Like the fusebox! A critical faceplant in an attempted leap of logic misdirects her to the mens' shower room, which has no fusebox and multiple Chrome trolls with various cybernetic enhancements. Harvestine is not entirely disgusted with this development and even finds a guy with a cybernetic rear end. A cybutt. A prosthetic posterior. Harvestine is lost in thought and/or her reflection in said cybernetic-

"Excuse me, ma'am, but the fusebox isn't in my ass."

but basic social skills get the better of her and she goes looking for alternative cures for her boredom.

Damien wins yet another boxing match against yet another Dire Borg going by the name of Terminator. This one was Terminator A. Dire Borgs apparently suck at creative names. Damien hits the showers, noting that he'll just shower in his chameleon suit seeing as he never takes it off. Unzipping even the collar is said to release a miasma so foul it scars the astral plane, and Harvestine apparently refuses to let him take it off in the apartment either, because of the weapons-grade smell that is unsealed from its cyber-alloy prison. This may or may not be exaggeration for humourous effect, but the smell is definitely bad enough to assault the resident trolls, one of whom fights Damien one-on-one in a "stank fight". This apparently consists of fuming furiously at one another, trying to make your cloud of odor push into and break the other's. Fucked if I know.

At any rate, Damien loses this fight and is KO'd by the Chrome troll's BO. Him and others (including Guy Peterson are sent flying back and will probably be marinated in the smell of troll sweat for weeks to come. Ew.

PART 3: Peter and the wolf

MEANWHILE, IN LESS MALODOROUS HAPPENINGS, Peter and Shodan have hit up Redeker's apartment. The door is locked. The door is dealt a swift but ineffective beating by Shodan, who is mostly deadly because of her weaponry and not her noodly borg-arms. Peter solves this with a fireball spell instead, and the two get to searching. Peter's pretty freaked by the ominous auras enveloping the apartment, most of which are centered around the room at the end of a hallway. Shodan is detectiving the shit out of the entryway, when Peter gets a chestful of shot as he triggers a switch. Zoinks! The appropriate Bastardly response is to immolate+demolish the perp, so Shodan pumps the room full of frag grenades, which miss their mark but fill the air with feathers, courtesy of the king-sized duvet in the bedroom. A rapidly-blacking out Peter tosses a few more fireballs for good measure, which basically ignite the down-choked air and clear it enough for Shodan to finish off the horribly-burnt mage within. All threats eliminated and Peter eventually stabilised, our defective detectives find a crumpled note.

Jinkies! The nefarious Redeker was paid out by an Ominous Corporation to instigate a war between the newly-allied Crones and Chromes. The note offers no further clues, but Peter gains the attention of an astral eye that's been perving about the apartment, but leaves when the mage notices. The two pursue in Pete's Rad Van (without Pete's Rad Permission).

Harvestine, meanwhile, has not found an alternative cure for her boredom. She's kind of done a rubbish job at finding anything full stop, including the Science Lab. Pete catches up with her and asks her to quit slacking on the job. Harvestine retorts that the job sucks and she's more interested in learning how to do plant magic (to further her poorly-thought out goal of reclaiming Seattle "for the trees"), so could Pete just help her find the science lab. She'll even give him her 5,000 Nuyen share of the original job if he does it without being a little shit about it.

Pete is used to supported "friends" ditching him like this, although this is the first one's actually paid him to (temporarily) get out of their life. He leads Harv to the science lab, which is actually more of a science swamp. The door is mostly fungal growth by this stage. It's pretty gross but Harvestine's clapping her hands in delight so whatever. Inside is Ben the Wolf, Harvestine's Mentor Spirit who is a wolf. He's pretty concerned with the goings-on and walks through a wall, wanting Harvestine to follow him. Harvestine utterly misunderstands, wastes five minutes checking to see if the wall is solid, asking Ben aloud if she's also supposed to walk through it, and then asking if she's meant to blow a hole in it and walk through it.

Ben is getting Pretty Sick Of This so he sticks his spectral head through the shroom door instead. Harvestine finally gets the picture and pursues back through the school, eventually crossing paths with Shodan and Peter in Pete's Rad Van. It appears their final destination is the same - the ominous profile of Ominous Showdown Corporation's head office. Harvestine and Ben the wolf pile in and ride the rest of the way to Ominous Showdown Corporation in style.

Fred, Shaggy, Scooby and Shodan (who didn't really fit either of Velma or Daphne in this metaphor) head upstairs, where a single fax machine awaits them. Ben the Wolf is extremely agitated, Peter is transfixed on the floor tiles, and Shodan is relaying their findings to Magus Margery and requesting backup. Harvestine reads the printout on the fax machine. Some douchelord mockingly claims that it's too late, war will break out anew, the leyline shall be theirs, yadda yadda yadda. This all goes way over Harv's magically-uneducated head, until Peter explains that without the leyline all the plants will die, which promptly gets Harvestine's attention. She screams at Ben the Wolf to do something, but he has no idea how because he's just a wolf. Her histrionics are interrupted by either a dude with an SMG or a dwarf carrying a corgi climbing the stairs, depending on how many tabs of red mescaline you popped this morning. The unfortunate miscreant is hit with a flashbang, hit with a fireball, then kicked in the nads twice by Harvestine and Shodan. Shodan takes his SMG, and we sort of forget about him because Peter finally manages to explain what Ben the Wolf knew from the start: There's a whole lot of magical energy coming from the basement.

The trio head to the basement, and some clever endoscope usage by Peter reveals two armed guards right by the door, and a whole bunch of weird culty dudes "ommmmmmmmmm"ing in a circle on the far side of the room. Harvestine and Shodan prepare grenades, Harv shooting a frag into the circle of chanting dudes and Shodan flashbanging the guards.

Peter's about to prepare a fireball, until Harvestine interrupts and claims he's not a real member of the Quick Dirty Bastards until he learns a thing or two about throwing grenades. Shodan and Peter's protests fall on deaf ears, and Harvestine quickly teaches Peter how to throw the flashbang she's given him. Harvestine's instructions are less than comprehensive, as she forgets to teach Peter to pull the pin out first. Shodan misses this mistake, getting too pumped to mess some dudes up, demonstrating that unsupervised teaching is another thing Harvestine is not allowed to do.

They spring into action! Shodan successfully blinds the guards, who start firing wildly. Harvestine successfully fires in the direction of the cultists, but her grenade bounces off thin air and explodes harmlessly. The cultists are unfazed and keep singing along. Peter successfully drops the grenade at his feet; Harvestine's inadequate teaching pays off. Somehow. Our two somewhat competent combatants enter and take out the guards, while Peter checks out the magical barrier. Harvestine slamming on it and roaring furiously finally attracts the attention of the head cultist, who leaves the circle and goads a very angry ork. He gloats that the Runners are too late, the cultists' plan cannot be stopped now, and the alliance will crumble. Harvestine asks if he could at least spare the plants, a fine litmus of our heroine's moral standards. Peter begins the counterspelling of the magical barrier. Shodan does her nails because she's willing to acknowledge when she can't do jack.

PART 4: Guy's sprites are indicative of a rather disturbing pscyhe

BACK IN THE AUDITORIUM, the Chromes all fall to the ground as one, their cybernetic devices wigging out something terrible. This doesn't last long as they all rise, hijacked through their cybernetics, and start beating the crap out of the startled Crones. Magus Margery, up in the commentator's box, is scrambling to lower the magical barrier she placed so her Crones can fight back, but the Chromes in the box are causing havoc and mauling her guards. Damien leaps through the mess of fighters and goes for the biggest, meanest bastard - Moss, leader of the Chromes. Damien's punches prove mostly ineffective against the brute, unwilling as our dubiously pacifistic character is to kill people. He does succeed in shock-gloving Moss' cyber-arms into unresponsiveness, though.

Nobody bothers with reasoning with the Chromes or trying to figure out why they started fighting, save for one Guy Peterson. His experience in cyberware proves invaluable, as he immediately recognises the mass hacking attempt. The Chromes are being digitally assaulted by cat videos! Guy gets his fellow hacker, Pete, up to speed, and immediately leaps into the digital arena where he is far more competent. His summons his five sprites: Windows Vista, ILOVEYOU, Storm Worm, Clippy, and RCA Studio, to assist in the fight. These deadly (and visually unsettling) code monsters do an admirable job, mowing through the horde of catsprites compromising the Chromes' devices. Guy does all this in the dwarf stripper outfit he wore after exiting the showers, which was allegedly the only item of clothing available to him in the shower room.

Pete, hiding out in the shower where he's been busy washing stankfight funk off his person, also joins the fight. He has no sprites, so instead signs on with his digital avatar, a desk lamp, and fights the sprites with that instead. His cybercombat skills are negligible, but he does at least distract a whole pile of them into attacking him instead. This whole scene is very stupid and rather hard to appreciate for the non-digitally inclined, so here's a picture:

[Image: s82OIaP.gif]
sprite image credit to Pharmacy, natch

Peter, meanwhile, is furiously counterspelling the barrier with Harvestine's clumsy assistance. The poor girl doesn't actually know a lick of magic, so half the time she's just waving her arms ineffectually in an attempt to imitate Peter. Shodan's requested backup arrives; much to the Basement Bastards' collective despair it turns out to be hijacked Chrombies (which are like zombies but not). Shodan sees no moral distinction between a shambling corpse and a guy whose circuitry's been jacked, and launches a grenade into the throng descending the stairs. It stems the flow, but enough of them break through to flank her and damage her grenade launcher. An externally ever-emotionless but inwardly furious Shodan starts breaking faces. The barrier is still no closer to being lowered, and the head cultist's smug grin is just pissing Harvestine off even more.

Ben the Wolf is still no help. He's just a wolf!

PART 5: Catamari Damacy

HOW COULD THIS SITUATION BE ANY WORSE? asks Guy Peterson to himself. Clearly, the fact that for every one cat sprite he and his sprites destroy, three more cropping up is not registering as "situation awful". He imagines things could be worse if the sprites spontaneously combined into a sprite-voltron, which is fair enough. Things would be worse if the sprites spontaneously combined into a sprite-voltron.

The sprites do just that. The hijacked Chromes in the auditorium also do just that, coalescing into a Chrome-voltron. Damien again tries to punch his newfound problems away, but is instead assimilated by the heinous agglomeration of compromised Chromes. Peter is under the mistaken impression that all this catastrophising is meant to be a contest, and figures his situation could be worse if a bunch of violent, hijacked Chrome trolls burst into the shower room while he's being buried under a pile of catsprites in cyberspace.

The trolls do just that. Peter and Harvestine sort of save the day and Pete's naked ass by finally cracking the barrier. They don't even bother waiting to tear it down properly; Harvestine just launches a grenade through the first reasonable-sized hole, and Peter launches the biggest fireball he can.

The half of the room behind the magical barrier explodes into flame. Flames shoot out of the gaps in the magical wall, which creaks outward with the force of the explosion. It's pretty great, although Peter collapses from spell drain and doesn't really get to appreciate it. The Chromes all over the school and in the stairwell shut down immediately, the Chrome-voltron dissembling and releasing Damien, and the cybersprites disperse without a chanting circle of cultists to control them.

Shodan, Harvestine, and Peter escape the now-burning basement, which is starting to become a regular occurrence for Harvestine. Harvestine carries Peter back to Pete's Rad Van, and they just sort of leave all the unconscious Chromes there as they drive back to the school to claim their reward.

The auditorium is full of recovering Chromes, and Crones tending to the wounded on both sides. Magus Margery thanks the Quick Dirty Bastards for stopping the rebels' plans, even if the cost of doing so was higher than ideal. Damien's the only one who gives a shit about who won the aborted boxing tournament; the rest of the team's more interested in their reward. Pete (still naked), Peter, Damien, Shodan and Harvestine get their 5,000 Nuyen paycheck on credsticks, and Pete even bothers to give Harvestine her share back. Harv cements their teamfriendliness with a 1,000 Nuyen cut to Pete (still naked), probably because she likes having him owe her one or something. Margery formally invites Damien the Adept to train with the Crones, and Harvestine wrangles herself an invite to learn magic for her and Peter. Guy tries to join the Crones as well, and when that falls on deaf ears he tries to join the Chromes. Dude's really keen to get in amongst the thug life. Pete (still naked) introduces Guy to the team, giving his assurance that he'll be a valuable addition.

Guy does not exactly cut an imposing figure, between the dwarf stripper outfit, pathetic nerd physique, missing arm, and air of desperation. "Who the fuck is this guy," Harvestine asks. She's sceptical at best as to his usefulness, but can't really stop Pete from giving him a ride home considering it's his van, and he did just give her 5,000 Nuyen out of actual genuine kindness. Even if it was hers in the first place.

The Quick Dirty Bastards drive past the now-fully-burning Ominous Showdowns Corporation building on the way home, ignoring Damien's protests to save whoever was left unconscious/incapacitated within.

Damien presumably washes his suit at some point. Pete ostensibly puts some clothes on. Guy is dropped off home and tells his mother all about his day. Harvestine takes Peter on a demolitions date with TNT wingmanning, to blow up the remnants of Ominous Showdown Corporation. Shodan goes back to her day job at the Lone Star Cafe.
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#13
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: Like Cats to a Flame
spinoff idea: quick dirty babies
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#14
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: Like Cats to a Flame
SESSION TWO AFTERMATH

[Image: desk.png]

SpoilerShow


Karma:

For surviving the assault on Greenwood High, and for arguably completing the mission: Pharms, Schazer, Chwoka, Scott, Para and Felix receive 2 Karma.

For the Mission Over Money, and Making New Friends, Chwoka gets 2 more Karma.

For having Eyes Enough for All of Us, Eventually Following the Clues, and Outsmarting the GM, Scott rings up 3 extra Karma.

For Saving the Squishy Mage, Keeping Everyone up to Speed, and Sticking to your Guns, Paranoia strolls away with 3 more Karma.

For Getting in Touch with your Spiritual Side, taking a Personal Interest in the client, and Teaching an Old Mage New Tricks, Schazer takes home 3 bonus Karma.

For Entering the Ring, Defeating Hygiene, and Picking Your Battles, Felix drums up 3 phat Karmas.

For Keeping the Streak Alive, Being the Badass, and Murdering All the Cats, Pharms chokes down another 3 Karma.


Swag:

Damien, Harvestine, Peter all acquire honorary Crone Membership.

Guy acquires probationary Crone Membership, New Friends and A Ride Home.

Shodan loots a spare HK MP5 TX + one clip.

Pete’s debt is down to 35,000 with 3,500 due in three weeks.

Damien, Peter and Shodan get 5,000 nuyen, Harvestine 4,000, Pete 1,000, Guy 0.

Harvestine gains a connection with Ben the Wolf.
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#15
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: Like Cats to a Flame
CYBERINTERROGATION, WITH PETE AND PETEST

"Knock knock!" said Guy Peterson.

"Who... who's there?" said a locked folder, sweating profusely. Pete was turning the air conditioning up to create exactly this result. Also, to compound it, he had brought a virtual boombox and loaded a digicassette of C+C Music Factory's Gonna Make You Sweat into it.

"What's the password?" said Guy.

"What's the password... who?" said the folder.

"Who!" said Petest, to no response. "Well, that's not the password. You're up, Pete."

Pete cyberslapped the bare virtua-lightbulb in the center of the concrete bunker they called an interrogation room. He turned a digital wooden chair around backwards and sat in it, staring across the table at the locked folder, also sitting backwards in a chair, but only because it was tied to the chair like that. Already he was sweating. Even without an iron cybermaiden like he had requested, Pete still had a few tricks up his sleeves. Like the air conditioning. The air conditioning in his sleeves.

Pete cyberslapped the folder. "WHERE'D YOU BURY THE PASSWORD, YOU BASTARD?!"

Guy is all like, "Don't do that! That only happens in crime dramas! It's immoral and ineffective! Wah wah wah wah!"

Pete cyberslapped Guy. "I'M CRAZY NUTSO, I'LL EVEN SLAP THIS GUY WHO I LIKE. DO YOU WANT ON MY BAD SIDE?! DO YA, PUNK?!"

"N-no!" virtua-stammered the locked folder. "I-I-I-I buried it in the digiforest, in a cybershallow virtua-grave, under some digitwigs and cyberleaves, but I don't remember exactly virtua-where!"

Pete cyberspat in the folder's face. It was the closest he could get to virtual waterboarding in this podunk rural virtua-town. "Send out the sprite squandron, Petest. We're gonna check every shallow grave in the area," Pete said, without stammering. Petest and Pete turned to leave. Just before he walked through the door, though, Pete turned around, said, "oh, just one more question," and then he just cold shot the folder in the fucking face and left.
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#16
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: Drug-Riddled Hotcake Peas
spinoff idea: the same quick dirty bastards, but instead of committing crimes, they run a newspaper. an INTERNET newspaper, that is. lydia (the newscaster) is head editor, peter's head writer, damien gets out there and pounds the concrete, harv does op-ed, petest is the coffee intern with room for upward mobility, shodan is the printing press.
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#17
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: Drug-Riddled Hotcake Peas
SESSION 3 SUMMARY

Part 1: BOATQUEST:

SpoilerShow

Part 2: It's just like one of my video games!

SpoilerShow

Part 3: JJ, you cray cray
SpoilerShow

Part 4: Shake your Moneymaker
SpoilerShow
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#18
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: Drug-Riddled Hotcake Peas
Part 5: This is sort of illegal
SpoilerShow

Part 6: CAPITALISM, HO!
SpoilerShow

Part 7: Night Of The Living Baseheads
SpoilerShow

Epilogue: 28 seconds later

SpoilerShow
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#19
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: Drug-Riddled Hotcake Peas
SESSION THREE AFTERMATH

“…The mayor hopes that the robo rally will reverse this disturbing trend of cybersuicides.

In other news, the Seattle Slums Wildfire enters its third day and the flames show no sign of dying soon. Firefighters are working tirelessly to prevent the fire from spreading beyond the district borders, but the confirmed casualty report is already over a thousand. What’s stranger is that any survivors emerging from the district are reacting violently towards the rescue teams and resisting any attempts of medical treatment and there are even reports of them attacking nearby pedestrians. Citizens near the slums are advised to stay indoors or evacuate the area until the situation is resolved.

Investigators suspect that the unusual properties of the fire are a result of magical interference. Emergency response is looking for volunteer magicians to assist in counteracting and controlling. Megacorporation EvoCorp is also supplying emergency services with shipments of their new prototype Magiware, specially designed cyberware that enhances and augments users—*CRASH* Holy mackerel! What was that?"

“Hey is this the radio station? I need to borrow your equipment, I lost mine”

“Why don't you just buzz off? Amscray! We’re on air! Security!”

“Easy, easy, I’m just, I'm just, borrowing it for a couple of... months, do you need a deposit? I can pay you in hobos. Not live ones.”

“Wait up, I recognize you! You’re that fella who's always hijacking my radio broadcast! You're a real jerk, you know that? ”

“Great show, right? Hey, can I borrow your car? I think a couple of hobos died in the back of mine when I crashed into the building. Thanks, baby-doll.”

“That’s my boyfriend’s car! I'll have your head on a stick by next Tuesday if you-- Don’t you walk out that door-- So help me-- Get your ass back here! Oh, you've really bought the farm now, November! I'LL DOG YOU TO THE CORNERS OF THIS DAGNAB E

~*Transmission Lost*~

Karmakarmakarmakarmakarma Chameleon~~

Believe it or not you all survived and technically completed your mission by somehow kickstarting a zombie apocalypse. 2 Karma points for everyone!

For Catching the Liar and Sweet Air Time, Felix nets 2 more points.

For being a Scary Doorman, a Scarier Barista, and saving your teammate from the Deadly Décor, Para gets 3 Karma in tips.

For Joining the Navy, Breaking Bad, and Finding a Use for an English Major, Scott writes up 3 more Karma.

For Wil E Coyote’s Understudy, A Wolf in Moleman’s Clothing, and Getting the Munchies Like the Wolf, Schazer digs up 3 juicy Karma.

For being the Bridgemaster, Making Billy Mayes Proud, Committing your First Crime and Being Horribly Awkward at it, and Fulfilling our EagleTime wordswordswords quota, Pharms finds 5 Karma mysteriously transferred to her bank account.

And finally, For Death Defying Stunts, Logic Defying Schemes, Casual Manipulation of your Friends, Casual Murder of an Income Class, Solving a Personal Arc, while Fulfilling your Destiny as a True Quick Dirty Bastard, Chwoka steals 6 Karma and runs off before anyone can catch him.

Swag:

Damien steals one Fichetti Security 600 (one clip), one H&K 227-X (one clip), one security shirt, 5 strange looks at work, 1000 nuyen from Margery, 3000 nuyen from Pete with ominous foreboding, his cut of the leftover radio money, and acceptance to Greenwood High School for Mages.

Shodan gains one pending tracking report, 1000 from Marge, her cut of the radio money, and 3 zombrenades.

Harvestine survives one bad trip, 1000 from Marge, cut of the radio money, and enrollment in Not-Hogwarts.

Peter gets his money, a handful of deadly mason jars, and a sack of magical potatoes and other assorted magical fruits and vegetables (manashrooms consumed in the fires) and an invitation to Secret Magic Kids Klub.

Guy gets his cut, an additional 5000 nuyen curiously left over in his bank account, and acceptance into the Crones. JJ is now your contact Loyalty 1, Connection 2.

Pete gets all the money and none of the babes.
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#20
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: Drug-Riddled Hotcake Peas
Stream in muzak mode! We're starting early today. Almost 4 hours early.
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#21
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: What Goes Around
There is a tumblr for this now, featuring art and words.
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#22
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: What Goes Around
HERE YA GO QUICK DIRTY FANS!

SpoilerShow
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#23
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: What Goes Around
SESSION FOUR AFTERMATH

Hey Guy! Saw your ass on the news.

Wow you bitches don’t mess around do you? Grats on the title Mr. Public-Enemy-Number-One. Roflcopter. When I heard over the police bands that they had your ass pinned in the coal mine I thought you were cybertoast but NOPE.avi you just explode half the police force!

Not that I don’t mind the occasional bacon barbeque, but you definitely made things mighty interesting. Lonetard just lost against EvoCrap in the courts and with other recent events *cough*you guys*cough* sounds like they’re losing the police contract here. Dunno who’s picking it up yet, but the cybergrapevine says Renraku’s got their eye on it. I’d love to see what happens when your crew crosses paths with a direborg platoon!

Anyways get on the net sometime, I wanna kick your cyberass in CoD:47

Chao

[Image: 2w226pk.jpg]

P.S. Do you know anything about the rats around here building a shrine to your chubby friend? How the hell do they even know what a toga is?




Caramel Karma:

While no official mission was assigned to the bastards this week, y’all did manage to survive all of Pete’s traps and tricks so 2 Karma all around.

For Interspecies Ambassadoring, and Gernades are Everywhere, Harv is blessed with 2 Karma.

For Ugh Leadership, and Revenge Driven, Shodan hunts down 2 Karma, but no Pete.

For On the Lamb, and In Over Her Head, Lydia stumbles into 2 Karma and a cyberbuttload of drama.

For Knowing When to Fold ‘Em, Knowing When to Hold Her, and Knowing When to Kill the Fuck Out of Snipers, Peter tallys up 3 Karma.

For Plucky Sidekicking, Going Mad With Violence, and Commanding the Drone Army, Guy warrants 3 Karma and a Warrant.

For Solving Mysteries, Punching Bad Guys, Saving the Day, and Realizing Just Who He’s Pissed Off, Damien get 4 Karma all in a day’s work.


Swag:

Shodan gets 3 more squatters and respect from the local rat populace.

Harvestine’s persistence has paid off; a tribe of rats worship her as Goddess.

Guy somehow snags 2 large mining drones worth about 9000 nuyen each.
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#24
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: What Goes Around
SHOPPING AT GOODWILLS, STARRING DAMIEN AND PETEST

“So you are back,” Billy Blanc raised an eyebrow. “Damien.”

“Yep, yep,” Damien said, trying to act casual. “Just need to pull some clothes from the charity bin. Not exactly unethical to take clothes people don't need anymore, right?”

“Right.” Blanc said. “And you brought along a friend.”

As if on cue, Guy waved. He was behind Damien. He was still missing an arm. He was also still wearing Shodan's little black dress. Lydia, it still said on the dress – thought the red faded to a grody maroon. Guy smiled, not exactly helping Blanc dissuade his deepest suspicion that this elf was, perhaps, a psychopath.

“Your friend is starting to freak me out.”

Well, that is what he is usually,” Damien made motions with his hands. “I would say he's traumatized.”

“Excuse me, ladies,” Guy walked past Blanc and Damien, heels clicking on the tile floor. His heels were clicking because he was also wearing Shodan's five-thousand nuyen heels. They were black with tiny silk flowers inlaid with man-made diamonds. They were pleasantly minimalistic and made of the finest chamois ever to grace the Sixth World. They were also on Guy's feet. Blanc tried not to vomit on the spot.

“I would say he's traumatizing me,” Blanc said.

“You get used to it,” Damien said, attempting to brush this off as though this happened every day.

“Wait, isn't he a criminal?” Blanc asked.

Nah, how can you call that face incriminating?” Damien said. Even though every television screen on display was going “GUY PETERSON IS THE AMERICAN'S MOST WANTED ALSO HE IS A VERY TERRIBLE METAHUMAN BEING HERE IS WHY,” listing the many crimes he did that were, in fact, actually done by Pete.

“Well, I thought his face looked familiar,” Blanc shrugged. Behind him, a television screen showed Guy's unflattering portrait (taken during his brief tenure in EvoCorp) in virtua-high definition. A triumph and a waste of scientific progress.

“Yup,” Damien surreptitiously shut off the screen. A nearby group of customers started to complain.

“Also where he go?” Blanc asked.

“Hey guys, does this make my butt look fat?”

Guy came out, smiling as though he just won a million bucks. Though, he didn't look like a million bucks considering he looked like a thrift store took a dump on him over him. On his head, there was a rainbow-colored hat (polyester, eye searing, awful). He wore like a shirt (cotton, has an unicorn and a rainbow on the front), Capri pants (nylon, hot pink), and a horribly purple sweater (dunno what material but it looks more fungus than wool, to be honest). Draped around his neck, there was a scarf that looked like a dead animal (and it was in fact, actually, an dead animal). And for some reason, a red tie (silk, boring).

And he still wore Shodan's heels.

“Well?” Guy smiled, oblivious to the jaws swinging in the open.

Damien crossed his arms. “Well.”

“Well,” Billy Blanc had no idea what to do. He was not an expert on the aesthetics, but he knew some people who are. He dramatically called the FASHION POLICE on the FASHION PHONE, which turned out to be a blue rotary phone decorated with sequins and glitter. He doesn't know why the FASHION POLICE didn't use a Commlink but hey, who was he to judge when they are this fabulous.

A rainbow-colored Prius (it kinda weird that production survived to 2072, but whatever) kicked around the corner, knocking over a box of tampons. An disco ball on an antennae bobbed into view as two men walked out of the eyesore of a car. They were the burliest men Damien ever saw, even more so than the prostitute sailors from Session 3. And damn, were they swag. Damien wanted to be offended at their clothes, but, but, but, they was so goddamn beautiful.

“Ess. Eff. Pee. Dee,” the cop on the right spelled out with a clearly fake French accent. He had an rainbow-dyed beard and his uniform hugged uncomfortably close to his rippled muscles. There was also the words “GOOD COP” written on his chest in hot-pink glitter. Damien decided to assume that was his actual name.

“Seattle Fashion Police Department.” Good Cop made a pose that would be described as “sassy.”

“You are under arrest for crimes against humanity and good taste,” a smaller but equally as muscular man snipped. His officer's cap changed colored every two seconds and he looked more appropriate for a rave club than on the beat. “BAD COP”, it claimed in rainbow-sequins on his butt. Damien decided that was his name. Damien also decided to advert his eyes.

Guy being the most charismatic decided to choose his words wisely.

“I'm innocent!” He blurted.

Damien couldn't help but put a hand onto his forehead in empathetic embarrassment.

“Innocent until proven guilty, and you, my friend, are guilty as hell to me,” Bad Cop growled, taking out the most eye-offendingly colored magnum ever. “You should be glad we aren't going to drag your sorry ass into some shindig but you should be shamed. Did you forget what daddy told you?”

“I don't have a dad,” Guy said.

“Well, uh. Huh,” Bad Cop lowered his gun down. He turned to Good Cop. “Your turn.”

Good Cop swaggered like a drunk man but somehow managed to walk in a straight line because fashion. He stopped comfortably close to Guy, who could smell the needlessly expensive perfume and see every single strand of his beard. Guy noticed each follicle was painstakingly dyed to a different color. Guy was terrified.

“I am afraid you have to come with us,” Good Cop looked down even those Guy was at least one and half head taller than him.

“Why?” Guy asked.

Excuse me but you have a dead ermine around your neck. Like a real dead one,” Good Cop pinched his nose. “Isn't that a case for the fact you look like a big mistake.”

“Well, I am a big mggGGzzskkkst--

Guy fell on the floor, twitching and bearing a slightly higher voltage than his surroundings. Good Cop sniffed as he blew on his TASER (custom-built so it was also a bottle of perfume, an eyeliner, and a knife) as though it was a gun and put it away in the most truncated, yet, stylish way possible.

“Dude!” Bad Cop walked up. “I thought I was Bad Cop!”

“Only on weekends,” Good Cop sass-posed to Bad Cop.

“It's Monday, smartass,” Bad Cop snipped. “Now help me dress this asshole.”

Damien and Billy Blanc looked as the FASHION POLICE begin to strip Guy down to his undies, which turned out to be white boxers with blue stripes. Good Cop and Bad Cop had debated whether to strip him down to his birthday suit but decided it was way too generic for their expertise to handle. They then dragged the elf to be dressed in a more universally accepted combination of clothes.

Damien turned to his boss. “So...why does Goodwill have Fashion Police.”

Blanc shrugged. “I really don't know.”

But you, the reader, shall know! Emergence of corporations had been widely considered to be a plus in the Sixth World but like most things in real life (if this could be considered, real life), this was not without some unintended side effects. One unfortunate side effect was the emergence of fashion disasters – a result of Goodwill expanding into the more niche (read: sexual) interests of the metahuman market. Lack of regulation had proven how much of a gravitas the fine line between edginess and poor taste was. It was to the point that Barack Obama would had nuked Seattle in an effort to look less embarrassing to his international peers.

This was why the Seattle Fashion Police Department (SFPD) exists. To protect the innocent. To serve good taste. If it were not for their existence, Seattle would had been a smoldering crater.

“Interesting,” Damien contemplated the information that just came out of the blue.

“Tanner, who are you talking to?” Blanc asked.

“I really don't know,” Damien shrugged and pretended to be busy with some game magazines.

It was at this point that Guy came bum-rushing out with a bundle of clothes in his arms, dropping about one-eighth onto the ground. He had a dress shirt-red tie combo on him and expression on his face that he had been caught with his pants down. He also had no pants.

“Oh hey, Damien,” Guy smiled. “Gotta go.”

Damien tried not to look at Guy's boxers, but they were so goddamn generic.

“Gotta go. Go. Go,” Guy begin to fumble around for his Commlink. '

“Why--”

As if on cue, the FASHION POLICE barged in – just as fabulous as ever. There were furious expressions on their face and two guns. Good Cop had his makeup running. Bad Cop was applying makeup for him. They had furious expressions on their face. Why are they furious? You may ask. It is because Fashion Police Department is a subsidiary of Lone Star, and thus, technically police.

“YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM THE LAW, GUY PETERSON.”

It was pretty clear that Good Cop's accent was, in fact, Californian.

“TRY ME!” Guy shouted back.

In reply, Good Cop and Bad Cop both took out their magnums and proceeded to shoot at the ceiling. More lights were damaged than civilians intimidated. You really have to start wondering how much they were actually been paid.

“Lynx's in the back,” Guy said to Damien. Guy wore a pair of sunglasses for added effect and also because he wanted to looked cool. “Let's go.”

To the befuddlement of Billy Blanc, Guy and Damien hitched onto the Steel Lynx and galloped into the sunset. Clothes on their back. FASHION POLICE on their tail. Bastardly as ever.
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#25
RE: Quick Dirty Bastards: Drug-Riddled Hotcake Peas
"Early" is the new normal.
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